WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG...YOU WERE PATHETIC

Before we get started, I'd just like to confirm that the strategy game system I made last week does indeed work with RPG's, including, but not limited to, Chrono Trigger.

I could explain the system and the math that was geeky even by my standards, but I'll just cut to the chase: the most balanced team, overall, is Chrono (Hero), Marle (Princess Healer) and Ayla (Cavewoman Catgirl). Chrono blasts and hacks away at the enemies, Marle keeps everyone healed, and Ayla kicks the enemies into oblivion. Also, their thriple attack, Final kick, is not shabby by any means.

Now, the problem with this team is that it has Marle in it. I have issues with Marle that go far beyond her bratty, brainless nature. It all comes down to this: what's the point of having a healer in the party, if they're always the first one to die? Marle is absolutely defenseless, which isn't a trait you want the person protecting your life to have.

I should use Robo then? A decent choice, as he's (it's?) tough and strong, but he's hampered by another fact: every single last one of this triple techniques suck. All of them. This fact makes him great in the early to mid game, but sent to the backlines for the rest.

Thus leaving my personal choice for a healer: Frog. He can heal decently well and kick plenty of tail to boot. Overall, Frog is the most versatile character in the game. This makes my team of choice: Chrono (Versatile-Artillery), Frog (Versatile-Healer) and Ayla (Tank-Healer). A balanced team would call for a versatile, a tank, a healer and artillery. This team overdoes it a bit in the versatile department and underdoes it a bit in the artillery and healing department, but you'll be kicking way too much ass to care. The 3D is a Lavos Killer if there ever was one. Chrono-Marle-Ayla is better balanced, but having Marle in the team always seems to be a liability.

Now, I have a dear place in my heart for the mad genius/pyromaniac Lucca, and so I made a balanced team for her: Lucca, Frog, and Robo. Yes, there's no Chrono or triple attacks, but their dual attacks are fantastic and are balanced to boot. The traditional heavy magic: Chrono, Marle, Lucca team is way too vulnerable. Admit it, just think of this team and you're thinking of losing the fight with the three-part Head and two arms villian on the mountaintop for the hundreth time. Lucca, Frog and Robo is definitely the way to go (when you get to the part of the game where you can leave Chrono behind of course).

Oh, and Magus doesn't do dual attacks and usually can't do triple attacks either. Let Frog have him.

So anyway, I was playing Chrono Trigger (obviously) and got to that really hard fight in the future...and easily got through it. Oh! There's those powerful enemies! I better get ready for...a relatively easy fight...

Wait a minute. This game isn't that hard. It's still as fun as I remember it being when I was young, only now I'm not dying nearly as much.

Then it hit me.

I sucked at videogames when I was young.

I checked with Amber, and she was discovering the same thing. This isn't a case of becoming good through simple try and fail either, as we haven't played many of these games for many many years. How could I possibly have played so many videogames when I was in my early teens and not have been good at them? Let me check fighting games...when I was in my early teens, obsessed over Street Fighter II, I was losing to Bison at least ten times in a row before winning. Now I barely need to continue at all. Hell, even if I just low kicked over and over I'd still probably win. What the hell was I doing? Strategy games...no contest. Sidescrollers...man, I'm kicking the crap out of Dr. Wiley's robots...and did it really take me that long to beat Mario 2?

Don't even talk to me about Tetris.

So...I wonder...did I suck at everything when I was young? For the purpose of argument, let's compare myself now, to myself when I was 16, and when I was 10.

VIDEOGAMES

The begininning point. When I was 10 I was getting my ass kicked repeatedly...by 16 I had learned the basic tricks to avoid a total thrashing...and now I can handle myself pretty well.

FIGHTING

When I was 10 I was getting my ass kicked repeatedly...by 16 I had learned the basic tricks to avoid a total thrashing...and now I can handle myself pretty well...if I actually fought anymore. Now I just walk away, and if they throw a punch, then I call the cops. I still don't understand why a 17 year old can kick the crap out of small kids and get a slap on the wrist, but an 18 year old gets hauled off to jail for a year. Where's the sense in that? But I digress...

WORK

The 10 year old me can barely get a lawnmower to function, and starts crying after an hour of labor...my 16 year old self is barely functioning in a job at Wawa..I was alright at most of it, but generally I was still incompetent and lazy...and finally my present self has his own office and gets paid to sit at a computer and type...although I kind of hurt my argument a bit when I realize that I'm typing all this at work, but in my defense, it's my half day saturday in wholesale and it's slow. AHEM. Let's move on.

ROMANCE

My incredibly mediocre results in the present are bolstered up by my hilarious failure in the past. My 16 year old self is unclean and weird, appealing only to a very select group of indiscriminating women who think long hair, jean shorts and Nine Inch Nails shirts look good on fat guys. Presently, I shower daily, wear dress casual clothes, and have been considered quite the charmer...with mixed success admitedly, but just look at my 10 year old self! Sitting there, at home, wolfling down Honey Nut Cherrios, and contently playing videogames without a care in the world...you know, I think I may have to give him this round.

DRIVING

My 16 year old self's breaks fail, dodges a couch on a front lawn, instead slamming into the back bumper of another car. Smooth. My 10 year old self fails to ride even the simplest of vehicles, including bikes, skate boards, and walking (did I ever tell you about the time I ran into the side of a house?). I presently have gone seven years or so without a ticket, by driving at speeds that have been described by onlookers as downright tortoisian. Steady as she goes, folks, steady as she goes.

WRITING

Presently: amatuer blogger Dave Barry wannabe with some initial success on message boards and www.questionswap.com (and also hopefully Rifftrax, I'm keeping my fingers crossed over the contest). 16: Dark, depressing, poorly written existential thrillers that never quiet achieved any level of 'thrill', but more or less covered the 'ers'. There were some interesting fantasy ideas, but no writing ability to facilitate their creation. 10: The dragon walked up to the three heroes and lowered his head behind them. Drake turned and looked shocked as if he was scared. Jen stayed quiet and was surprised. Mai gave them a funny look and looked annoyed as the dragon was behind her.

Think that's bad? That was me at 16! 10 was even worse.

SPORTS

Now: Whew! That was a great 30 minute run.
16: Whew! I feel much better after throwing up after that 20 minute run.
10: I've been jogging for 10 minutes now. I'm seriously going to die.

GAMES

10: Cheats at chess (sorry Steve)
16: Not very good at chess
Now: Stops playing chess (I should've thought of that move years ago)

ZOMBIE INVASION

10: Screams. Immediately eaten.
16: Calls upon the dark, mysterious powers that govern the universe to help him achieve victory over the mindless horde. Immediately eaten.
Now: Hits zombie with chair. Runs to car. Drives away. Most likely still eaten, but in a far more important, plot-related death.

DANCE COMPETITION

10: Chicken dance
16: Jumps up and down in place
Now: Final Fantasy victory dance. Boo-ya!

SENSE OF HUMOR

10: Sesame Street/Ninja Turtles/Knock Knock
16: Laugh-In/Get Smart/Ranma 1/2
Now: MST3K/The Office/Venture Brothers

FAVORITE JOKE

Uh...actually not much improvement there. I 1 the sandbox still cracks me up. I don't recall actually having a sense of humor when I was 16, and now I more or less find all jokes funny, especially the ones that go on forever. Whatever you do, do not ask me about the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse.

EXTRA SPENDING CASH IS SPENT ON:

10: Ninja turtles action figures/videogames
16: Magic cards/Anime (okay, and videogames)
Now: Day trips to conventions and other new experiences/videogames

You know, my 10 year old self could probably teach my 16 year old self a thing or two about things, which would cause my 16 year old self to push my 10 year old self over and go mutter to himself in the corner, which would lead to my present self to come in and yell at my 16 year old self and threaten to beat him up, which causes my 10 year old self, who doesn't recognize his adult self (he isn't very quick on the uptake), to grab a stick and charge at the present me, in an act of misguided loyalty to the 16 year old me.

It's on.

BATTLE ROYAL

The 16 year old me is carrying that Masterlock Padlock on his jacket like I used to at school (for some reason I thought that was cool), and he weilds it like a makeshift weapon. He's a very mediocre wrestler (he won't be good until next year), but he will fall back on it if necessary.

16 year old Max: 2nd Rogue , AC: 12 (Denim Jacket), BA: +1, Init: +1, SPD: 30, HP: 13, F/R/W: +2/+3/-2, Melee: +2 (d4+1), Ranged: +2 (d4+1), Grapple: +3 (d3+1), Feats/Abilities: Makeshift weapon specialty, Improved Unarmed, Attribute: Big (+2 Grapple, -2 Hide checks, -1 AC, 2x carrying capacity), +1d6 Sneak attack, Evasion, Trap sense

The 10 year old me weilds a makeshift staff and since his favorite Ninja turtle is Donatello, he's actually proficient with it, and he may just be foolish enough to try to use it in a two weapon attack, even though he has absolutely no skill or training in such. He has no plan besides hitting with it at groin/knee level, which isn't that bad of a strategy when you come down to it.

10 year old Max: 1st Commoner (later upgraded to rogue), AC: 10, BA: +0, Init: +0, SPD: 20, HP: 5, F/R/W: +1/0/-2, Melee: + 0 (d6+0) or -4/-8 (d6+0), Ranged: +0 (1 non-lethal crab-apple), Grapple: +0 (d3+0), Feats/Abilites: Improved Unarmed Combat (took karate), Attribute: Big (simply considered medium sized instead of small, despite age, for all purposes except speed)

Presently, I've gone up in constitution and charisma, and I've mastered grappling a bit better, but my levels in bard won't really help too much here, and my levels in expert do nothing except drive down my base attack. Still, I'm far more advaced in level, but I'm going to spend the first round trying to negotiate, so they'll both get the jump on me.

Present Max: 2nd Rogue/2nd Expert/ 2nd Bard, AC: 11 (Acrylic jacket), BA: +3, Init: +1, SPD: 30, HP: 41, F/R/W: +3/+7/+8, Melee: + 4 (d4+1), Ranged: +4 (2 subdual thrown keys), Grapple: + 7 (d3+1), Feats/Abilities: Makeshift weapon specialty, Improved unarmed, Improved Grapple, Logical (Created feat: you may use your intelligence score instead of wisdom score for will saves), Attribute: Big (+2 Grapple, -2 Hide, -1 AC, 2X carrying capacity), Bardic Music X 4 day, Inspire courage +1, Countersong, Fascinate, Bardic Knowledge + 4, No spells (in the real world we'll say bards get 2 uses of bardic music per day per level to compensate for the loss), +1d6 sneak attack, Trap sense, Evasion

The fight starts. We'll assume, since we're the same person, we all rolled the same for initiative. As I start talking my younger self down, my 16 year old self draws the padlock as a move action and then attempts to sucker punch me across the head. I am flat footed, and he rolls...a 16, a definite hit, for 6 damage, bringing me down to 35 hit points.

My present self says "What the hell?" while the 10 year old me goes for my shins, rolling a...17. Damn. He smacks me across the shins for only 1 damage, bringing me to 34.

The next round starts and I ignore my 10 year old self, instead beginning a grapple with my 16 year old self. I roll...11, making my touch attack a 15, a hit. My grapple check is...13, and he opposes with...an unfortunate 4, allowing me to put him in a headlock, and do 4 non-lethal damage, bringing him down to 9.

The 16 year old me attempts to smack me with the padlock while grappled, and rolls an...8, making his attack roll a 10, a miss.

My 10 year old self decides to take advantage of the fact I'm distracted and two weapon attack. His rolls are...16 and 4, making his attacks 12 and -4. The one lucky hit does...another whopping 1 damage, bringing me to 33 hp, leading my present self to tell him to knock it off.

I consider knocking off the 16 year old me's glasses, but then he'd probably think to do the same, so I go for the pin with a grapple check of...24, against his check of 23. Now, there are usually no critical hits in grapple checks, but I allow them in my house rules, so this unfortunately works against my present self, allowing his natural 20 to beat my higher check and resist the pin.

16 goes for another hit with the lock...and gets a 16, another hit, for a measly 2 damage, bringing me to 31.

10 goes for another double hit (worked last time)...and rolls a 3 first and then a 20 for the second hit! My god, his strategy paid off! Rolling to confirm...wow, a 19...minus 8, and I'm flat footed against him...good god, he scored a critical hit! He rolled crappy for damage again though, and does a total of 3 damage, bringing me to 28. Since it was a critical though...let's say I lost my glasses. Now I'm annoyed at the kid, and throw my keys at him. I can't see well enough to go for a sneak attack, so just hurl as best as I can...but only get an 8, it flies over his head.

16 attempts to use the moment to try to break free with...a 15, against my present selfs...22. No dice.

Another flurry from my kid self results in...attack rolls of 0 and 6. He briefly reconsiders his strategy.

Tiring of this, I try to punch my 16 year old self across the head...and critically fail. He does the same with the lock...succeeding. I'm down to 26. Kid me goes for a single swipe...landing a blow for an impressive 5 damage. I'm down to 21 and I can't ignore him any longer.

I kick the kid me with a 17, for 2 damage, but any damage is enough to send the kid me running off, crying, leaving me left with the teen me. He lands another blow with the lock, bringing me down to 18. I go for the pin once more, but he resists, but his next attack is a critical failure.

Getting angry, I sprawl down on him (26 to 7 checks), sending him face first into the ground, finally pinned. I lean on him and try to hold him helpless. He rolls a 1 for his grapple check. I succeed. I win the next three grapples, smooshing his face into the hard ground for 2, 2 and 4 damage respecively.

It seems about over when my young self shows up again, pleading for us to stop, to see that there's no point for the fighting, that we're all the same person and we have to learn to live with eachother and love eachother despite our flaws and differences.

I let my woozy teenage self up and we all share a moment of peace, realizing the error of our ways. He apologizes profusely, my present self accepts and does the same, and my kid self cheers as we go for a friendly hug, leaving my teenage self completley unprepared for the knee to the chest and subsequent double underhook spinebuster, which I affectionately call 'The Coffin Nail' (Grapple check 25 to 14, grapple damage plus sneak attack) slamming him unconscious to the ground.

In a flurry of enthusiasm, my 10 year old self slams his hand down on the ground three times, and declares me the winner, by pinfall.

Good times.