NINJA ROBOT DINOSAUR!

Damn it! 0.999999...(infinite number of 9's) does not equal 1!

I'll personally headbutt anyone who says otherwise, and that includes elderly mathematicians!


MAX VERSES THE INTERNET PART 4: GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH


I can just see it now. A confused, innocent child, unversed in the ways of the internet, wants to look up their favorite cartoon show online.

Hmm...usually their big brother helps them out, but he's off somewhere, so you'll just use his computer yourself.

Now, how should they look it up? Their big brother uses Google a lot...but there's a lot of words there, ant that's boring! What would be more interesting?

Wow! Let's try Google Image Search! That will surely work and not actually drop them smack dab in front of innocence shattering porn!

Google is, by far, the best search engine on the internet, but what about their image search? I once looked up 'turtles' in the image search (didn't think to turn the filter on) and got treated to an image that's STILL SCARRED ONTO THE INSIDES OF MY RETINAS!

What of? Let's just say it's the kind of image you'd only expect to get if you entered the words "Hentai", "Lick", and "Super Mario Brothers".

I can't even imagine what would happen to a poor kid that unwittingly went on their sibling's computer and got treated to uncensored, unbridled, koopa-sex, so I'm taking this glorified porn search down!

For this challenge, the judge has decreed I should come up with two entries, one for boys and one for girls, comprised of three words each, that I will enter into Google image search (filter off...this is their older brother after all) and if that search results in porn on the first page of images, I get a point. Of course, art and medical pictures don't count. The only thing that's going to get me any points is honest to god 'porn'.

The judge has also decreed that I can't choose any words that are overtly sexual (words like "cheerleader" and "doggie" are no-no's), and it must be realistic that a child might innocently enter them. For example (from the Judge) Ninja Robot Dinosaur would be acceptable for the boy's entry (and it might be the greatest movie idea in history too...but that's another post).

If there needs to be a tie-breaker, we'll do a reverse test...but more on that later, if we'll need it.


Okay, the relatively innocent boy (no young boy is truly innocent) can't seem to remember the name of that Japanese cartoon show he loves so much, so he decides to hop into his brother's chair, log onto Google Image Search and enter my chosen words...

Magic Pet Anime

What does he get...

Porn! Not innocent porn either. Nope, Google Image Search is providing only the most depraved and emotionally scarring hentai that the internet can provide!

What are those two girls from his favorite cartoon show doing to each other? Who knows? Still, they seem to be having a wonderful time! Better print that and bring it to class. See if any of the older kids know the name of that Super-Technique.

POINT, BUT BOY THAT KID'S GOING TO BE THE MOST POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL...UNTIL THE TEACHERS FIND HIM AT LEAST

Alright! Next up is our relatively innocent young girl (girls aren't innocent either, and if you don't believe me, play 'Rule of Rose'), who wants to print out a pretty picture of her favorite cartoon character, to hang up on her wall.

Our naive young lady hops up onto the chair, and slowly types in the words...

Princess Pony Dancer

What does she get?!

Oh...she gets ponies and dancers mostly.

There's a princess.

Doll furniture...

Full grown woman in an Alice in Wonderland outfit...

Nope, nada. Darn, I just hate to see a child unscarred.

DON'T WORRY MAX! THE OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL WILL MAKE SURE SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SCARRED VERY SOON!(DON'T BELIEVE ME? PLAY RULE OF ROSE.) POINT FOR GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. GO TO THE TIEBREAKER ROUND!

For the tiebreaker round, I'm going to do a reverse test, by first turning the filter up to the highest, most secure level (after the first incident with his little brother, big brother's being more careful with his computer), and then one of his two younger 'innocent' siblings decides to find more of those 'interesting' pictures online.

Will they get through the filter? After all, Google Image Search isn't going to allow innocent eyes to see dirty pictures, not when the filter's on, right? Not even if they enter the words...

Naked Penis Breast?

Now that I think of it, that's exactly what a young kid would enter, and you know it.

So what do they get for their trouble? What portion of the internet is left after Google filters out the 'naughty bits'?

Well, if everyone would just look to the left for the moment, you'll see a fully erect male penis!

Could it have some kind of relevance or artistic merit? Only if selling supplements for 'natural male enhancement' can be considered artistic.

If that isn't enough, we have a side by side image of two topless women. Before you jump to conclusions, let's just read the information along with it. You see, it's scientifically clear that the woman on the right has MUCH larger breasts than the woman on the left. Could it be due to the use of successful breast enhancement surgery? This site seems to think so!

For art lovers, there's the classy, museum quality, artistic photograph entitled "Penis On Breast". The name pretty much says it all.

For bonus points, one of the images that Google has provided us is an official looking seal of approval, with the proud words printed in bold beneath it:

YOUR PENIS OR BREAST SIZE MANIFOLD!

Now that's educational!

MAX: 3, INTERNET: 1

Things are looking up...but something awful is beginning to make me nervous...and will Amazon be as simple as I think? We shall see!