One Week Since I Pimped My Published Story
Wow, the time does fly! It seems like only yesterday that I was shamelessly promoting myself. Ah...the memories.
www.mississippicrow.com
Issue number five! 'How to Cook Roast Dragon'! Shameless!
Here's the story:
How to Cook Roast Dragon
Uh...you can still buy it though. There's like, other neat stuff in...damn it, I keep accidentally giving away everything for free. What would Machiavelli say? It'd be in Italian for starters. Anyone know Italian? That'd be awkward.
Anyway, let's move on to bigger and better things, such as the subtle art of not losing your pants. Let me set up the scene for you:
I'm having a nice time chatting and drinking coffee with a group of people I recently met, some of whom are women. Eventually, after shamelessly promoting my published story, it was time to leave.
As I stood from my chair, I felt a strange, invisible force pulling my pants directly downwards. I'm serious.
It felt exactly like an invisible man was forcibly pulling my jeans towards my ankles. In reality, my pants probably got stuck to the chair I was sitting in, although I can't see how. I'm still thinking it was some invisible guy. I'm looking at you Christian.
Anyway, no matter how hard I pull up, they were being pulled down just as quickly. Not difficult enough? Not three feet from me was an underage, teenage girl.
Do these kinds of things happen to normal people? Did Abraham Lincoln ever have an invisible force yank down his pants in the middle of a speech? Franklin, certainly, but Lincoln?
I think not. At least nowhere as frequently. I just seem to be a natural magnet for 'Abbot and Costello'-like disasters. Just ask Amber (Wandering Knitter), she'll tell you.
Don't get me wrong, there is an upside to this. You may scoff, but at one point in your life, I'm betting you're going to be stuck in the middle of a sitcom-like catastrophe. You laugh now, but when you have to host a bachelor party and a knitting club in the same building, are you going to be ready?
When the health inspector arrives in the middle of food fight, are you going to know what to say?
When you get trapped in an elevator with your worst enemy, are going to be able to work out your differences without getting 'last season of Mash' serious?
When John Ritter drops dead on camera, are you going to deliver the punch line?!
No! I don't think so! I think you're going to crack. You'll blissfully coast through life, right up until you rent a pony for your daughter's birthday, and your neighbor's dog chases it out into the street, but you don't realize for a half hour, and by the time you find it, it's already wandered into a Walmart, with your daughter still on its back. Oh, and who's that next to them? Why it's your nosy neighbor, shopping with her good friend from out of town, the pope.
Now me, I'm used to shit like that. Take that moment, where an invisible adversary was yanking down my pants in full view of twelve adults, and two underage girls. How would you avoid going to jail? What do you do?
Why, you sit right back down, of course. No, don't struggle with it, that'll only make it worse. Just sit right back down, and look very interested in what everyone's saying. Now, subtly move your hands down and tug frantically at your pants. Figure out where you're stuck. Don't leave until it's free.
There you go! Your pants are free, and you didn't humiliate yourself, or go to jail! Aren't you happy that weird crap like this happens to you on a weekly basis? I sure am. It means I'll always be prepared.
Oh sure, laugh it off. When your evil, identical cousin shows up, I'll be the one laughing! ^_^
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
YOU GOT: PUBLISHED PIECE!
Published piece fires three spinning 'ego-booster-bombs' that roll across the ground and explode upon striking an enemy.
GOOD AGAINST: CUT-MAN
SECRET: When fighting Mitch, if you fire 'published piece' at him and press start just when the first bomb hits, he gets a headache and leaves to get a beer from the fridge. When he asks 'do you want one?' select 'yes'.
Then go forward one screen and gun down Dr. Wiley like a dog in the street.
These late 80's video game references doing anything for you?
No? Well, I GOT PUBLISHED, SO WHO CARES!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Yes, I know I already mentioned it last week, but my pessimistic nature refused to declare it a certainty until I saw the proof. Besides, they're using the FULL VERSION! HOO-HAA! I think Pat will be pleasantly surprised by the picture of Chev Ivins. ^_^
In a few weeks the issue will go on sale, and just to begin the shameless self-pimpage, it's issue #5 of Mississippi Crow, an independent literary magazine, which is very reasonably priced considering the wonderful artwork and content (I mean, my piece is in it, so you know its gotta be great).
You can get the issue at:
www.mississippicrow.com
Now, I know you're asking yourself, where did they even see Max? Did Max hunt them down on a tropical island, one by one cornering them on rocky cliffs, and forcing them to read a short story that he feel would be perfect for their publication?
Believe it or not, that plan didn't work out nearly as well as anticipated. Actually, they saw me at the writing web site I'm a part of. It's a great site for showing around your work, and it's free if you don't want the extra features. You can read my stuff at:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/user_id/robertmfreeman
With that, I'm calling it an early week. Work's been busy. If you want more, just check out the stuff above. If you want to sleep anytime soon, I'd avoid 'Apple Core'. I kinda went a bit overboard (intentionally of course) in honor of Halloween.
Take care everyone, and always, thanks for reading!
Published piece fires three spinning 'ego-booster-bombs' that roll across the ground and explode upon striking an enemy.
GOOD AGAINST: CUT-MAN
SECRET: When fighting Mitch, if you fire 'published piece' at him and press start just when the first bomb hits, he gets a headache and leaves to get a beer from the fridge. When he asks 'do you want one?' select 'yes'.
Then go forward one screen and gun down Dr. Wiley like a dog in the street.
These late 80's video game references doing anything for you?
No? Well, I GOT PUBLISHED, SO WHO CARES!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Yes, I know I already mentioned it last week, but my pessimistic nature refused to declare it a certainty until I saw the proof. Besides, they're using the FULL VERSION! HOO-HAA! I think Pat will be pleasantly surprised by the picture of Chev Ivins. ^_^
In a few weeks the issue will go on sale, and just to begin the shameless self-pimpage, it's issue #5 of Mississippi Crow, an independent literary magazine, which is very reasonably priced considering the wonderful artwork and content (I mean, my piece is in it, so you know its gotta be great).
You can get the issue at:
www.mississippicrow.com
Now, I know you're asking yourself, where did they even see Max? Did Max hunt them down on a tropical island, one by one cornering them on rocky cliffs, and forcing them to read a short story that he feel would be perfect for their publication?
Believe it or not, that plan didn't work out nearly as well as anticipated. Actually, they saw me at the writing web site I'm a part of. It's a great site for showing around your work, and it's free if you don't want the extra features. You can read my stuff at:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/user_id/robertmfreeman
With that, I'm calling it an early week. Work's been busy. If you want more, just check out the stuff above. If you want to sleep anytime soon, I'd avoid 'Apple Core'. I kinda went a bit overboard (intentionally of course) in honor of Halloween.
Take care everyone, and always, thanks for reading!
Saturday, October 06, 2007
MAX VERSUS INTERNET REAL HONEST TO GOD FINAL: SECOND LIFE
We're going to go through a simple point versus point style match, and we'll count them up at the end. For those of you just tuning in, my battle against the internet is in sudden death mode (ME: 4, INTERNET: 4, Draw: 1) and for the finale, Second Life is being matched against my 'actual life'. Let's do this!
SECOND LIFE: Requires computer.
REAL LIFE: Requires computer.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Free.
REAL LIFE: Taxes.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Choose your name.
REAL LIFE: I didn't get to choose my name...but my middle name is Max. Awesome.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Basic tutorial takes 30 minutes.
REAL LIFE: Basic tutorial takes 13 years.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: "Someone know hot make box screen?"
REAL LIFE: "I'm looking for a book. It has a brown cover, and chapter one is about a guy driving a truck. Which book is that?"
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Shut people up with the click of a button.
REAL LIFE: Actually have to leave.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Requires Quicktime.
REAL LIFE: Requires Windows Media Player.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Boring free videos.
REAL LIFE: Mostly boring free television.
POINT REAL LIFE...BY A HAIR
SECOND LIFE: Walk like a jerk.
REAL LIFE: Up to you.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Free chain mail shirt.
REAL LIFE: Where the hell's my free chain mail shirt?
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Lift up and fly into the air on a whim.
REAL LIFE: Go to the airport, spend forever going through security, get cramped into seat meant for someone roughly 1/2 your size, sit next to a screaming baby, and watch your free Adam Sandler movie.
POINT SECOND LIFE, WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE
SECOND LIFE: No drowning.
REAL LIFE: Drowning. Man, that sucks.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: What the...I can't put down my arm. Now I'm just waving it around randomly while everyone stares.
REAL LIFE: Rarely happens.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Change day to night with a click.
REAL LIFE: Have to wait for up to twelve hours.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Randomly accosted by virtual pimp.
REAL LIFE: Rarely accosted by real pimp.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Pretend sex.
REAL LIFE: Real sex.
POINT AND PENICILLIN SHOT FOR REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Slow loading times, and buggy animation.
REAL LIFE: Fully realistic, real time animation.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: People hilariously plummet from the sky.
REAL LIFE: Rarely happens. Not so hilarious when it does.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Go anywhere with a click.
REAL LIFE: Has places actually worth going.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Free orgy room.
REAL LIFE: None that I know of.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Sailor Moon themed islands.
REAL LIFE: None. Thank god.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: People randomly hang themselves.
REAL LIFE: Not so often, and never more than once each.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Run over small animals with your car! Ha!
REAL LIFE: Hilarious!
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Not allowed to have fun crashing cars.
REAL LIFE: Crashing cars not fun.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Walk straight through branches.
REAL LIFE: SMACK!
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Somewhat buggy. Get perpetually stuck in place and walk up walls.
REAL LIFE: Hey, I want to walk up walls!
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: People openly furries.
REAL LIFE: People secretly furries.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: No sense of touch or smell.
REAL LIFE: Pain and garbage.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Buy virtual goods and pretend you have them.
REAL LIFE: Buy real goods and actually have them.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Mall has no snacks, munchies, slurpies, frosties or real teenage girls.
REAL LIFE: Has all that, but you're not supposed to look at the teenage girls.
REGARDLESS, POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Fire doesn't affect you.
REAL LIFE: FIRE BAD!
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: No one does anything but obsess on sex and fictional characters.
REAL LIFE: You can see where I'm going with this.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: While minding your own business, turn around to find that a giant, seven foot replica of Rosie the Robot, from the Jetsons, is towering over you, with giant metal mincers, a horrifyingly mishapen head, and a greyish-flesh tone body.
REAL LIFE: Run screaming from the room and hide under bed, secure with the knowledge that you've never brought a Frankensteinesque pop culture reference into the world.
THE REALLY SCARY THING IS THAT SOMEONE SPENT MANY HOURS CREATING THAT. POINT REAL LIFE, WITH A VENGENCE
That's it. It's time to tally up. Drum roll, please.
...
...
Tension!
...
Suspense!
...
Imaginary sound effects!
...
SECOND LIFE: 12
REAL LIFE: 13
I won.
I won?
I WON!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET FINAL SCORE: 5-4-1
YES! The epic journey is over! Odysseus can finally come home, kill some suitors and sleep with his wife! After the good portion of the year, my battle against the over-hyped, porn spewing, ad-machine is over!
I CAN FINALLY SAY IT!
THE INTERNET WINS!!!!!!
Yes, the internet wins.
I got more points, defeated it in glorious combat, and it still wins.
Why?
The internet owns me.
It occurred to me, about halfway through the competition, that I probably should have a final round where I see how long I can go without using the internet...and I can't do it. Even if I only used it for work, I still need the internet for everything now, and it's accessible on virtually every computer on the planet! Limitless information and entertainment is merely one click away!
E-mail! Messaging! Ebay! Meeting people! Game groups! Blogs! Online stores! Wikipedia (remember having to go to the library?)! Cartoons! Porn...which I've heard other people quite enjoy! Research! Google! I-tunes! Free videogames! News! Immediate feedback! Free useful computer tool programs! Coupons! Movie reviews! Free TV shows! Netflix! Youtube!
THE SMUG SATISFACTION OF KNOWING THAT NO MATTER HOW FAT AND STUPID YOU CAN BE, THERE ARE PEOPLE A BILLION TIMES FATTER AND DUMBER!!!
Sigh...I can beat it in a competition, prove it's overrated and silly, but I can't deny that it's the most important invention since the computer itself.
Besides, thanks to the internet, and www.writing.com (screenname 'Blompkin'), I'm actually getting published next month in an independent magazine!
Specifically, 'How to Cook Roast Dragon' is getting published in 'Mississippi Crow' (issue 5), which will soon be available at www.mississippicrow.com!
Yes, I put up a good fight, but I feel like an eight year old who finally beat his seventeen year old brother in chess. Sure, I won, but he can still push me over on a whim, and I need him to drive me to the mall later.
In fact, I'm just going to say it: THE INTERNET RULES! It's most websites that suck!
Just not this one. ^_^
We're going to go through a simple point versus point style match, and we'll count them up at the end. For those of you just tuning in, my battle against the internet is in sudden death mode (ME: 4, INTERNET: 4, Draw: 1) and for the finale, Second Life is being matched against my 'actual life'. Let's do this!
SECOND LIFE: Requires computer.
REAL LIFE: Requires computer.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Free.
REAL LIFE: Taxes.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Choose your name.
REAL LIFE: I didn't get to choose my name...but my middle name is Max. Awesome.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Basic tutorial takes 30 minutes.
REAL LIFE: Basic tutorial takes 13 years.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: "Someone know hot make box screen?"
REAL LIFE: "I'm looking for a book. It has a brown cover, and chapter one is about a guy driving a truck. Which book is that?"
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Shut people up with the click of a button.
REAL LIFE: Actually have to leave.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Requires Quicktime.
REAL LIFE: Requires Windows Media Player.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Boring free videos.
REAL LIFE: Mostly boring free television.
POINT REAL LIFE...BY A HAIR
SECOND LIFE: Walk like a jerk.
REAL LIFE: Up to you.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Free chain mail shirt.
REAL LIFE: Where the hell's my free chain mail shirt?
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Lift up and fly into the air on a whim.
REAL LIFE: Go to the airport, spend forever going through security, get cramped into seat meant for someone roughly 1/2 your size, sit next to a screaming baby, and watch your free Adam Sandler movie.
POINT SECOND LIFE, WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE
SECOND LIFE: No drowning.
REAL LIFE: Drowning. Man, that sucks.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: What the...I can't put down my arm. Now I'm just waving it around randomly while everyone stares.
REAL LIFE: Rarely happens.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Change day to night with a click.
REAL LIFE: Have to wait for up to twelve hours.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Randomly accosted by virtual pimp.
REAL LIFE: Rarely accosted by real pimp.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Pretend sex.
REAL LIFE: Real sex.
POINT AND PENICILLIN SHOT FOR REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Slow loading times, and buggy animation.
REAL LIFE: Fully realistic, real time animation.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: People hilariously plummet from the sky.
REAL LIFE: Rarely happens. Not so hilarious when it does.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Go anywhere with a click.
REAL LIFE: Has places actually worth going.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Free orgy room.
REAL LIFE: None that I know of.
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Sailor Moon themed islands.
REAL LIFE: None. Thank god.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: People randomly hang themselves.
REAL LIFE: Not so often, and never more than once each.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Run over small animals with your car! Ha!
REAL LIFE: Hilarious!
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Not allowed to have fun crashing cars.
REAL LIFE: Crashing cars not fun.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Walk straight through branches.
REAL LIFE: SMACK!
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Somewhat buggy. Get perpetually stuck in place and walk up walls.
REAL LIFE: Hey, I want to walk up walls!
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: People openly furries.
REAL LIFE: People secretly furries.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: No sense of touch or smell.
REAL LIFE: Pain and garbage.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: Buy virtual goods and pretend you have them.
REAL LIFE: Buy real goods and actually have them.
POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Mall has no snacks, munchies, slurpies, frosties or real teenage girls.
REAL LIFE: Has all that, but you're not supposed to look at the teenage girls.
REGARDLESS, POINT REAL LIFE
SECOND LIFE: Fire doesn't affect you.
REAL LIFE: FIRE BAD!
POINT SECOND LIFE
SECOND LIFE: No one does anything but obsess on sex and fictional characters.
REAL LIFE: You can see where I'm going with this.
TIE
SECOND LIFE: While minding your own business, turn around to find that a giant, seven foot replica of Rosie the Robot, from the Jetsons, is towering over you, with giant metal mincers, a horrifyingly mishapen head, and a greyish-flesh tone body.
REAL LIFE: Run screaming from the room and hide under bed, secure with the knowledge that you've never brought a Frankensteinesque pop culture reference into the world.
THE REALLY SCARY THING IS THAT SOMEONE SPENT MANY HOURS CREATING THAT. POINT REAL LIFE, WITH A VENGENCE
That's it. It's time to tally up. Drum roll, please.
...
...
Tension!
...
Suspense!
...
Imaginary sound effects!
...
SECOND LIFE: 12
REAL LIFE: 13
I won.
I won?
I WON!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET FINAL SCORE: 5-4-1
YES! The epic journey is over! Odysseus can finally come home, kill some suitors and sleep with his wife! After the good portion of the year, my battle against the over-hyped, porn spewing, ad-machine is over!
I CAN FINALLY SAY IT!
THE INTERNET WINS!!!!!!
Yes, the internet wins.
I got more points, defeated it in glorious combat, and it still wins.
Why?
The internet owns me.
It occurred to me, about halfway through the competition, that I probably should have a final round where I see how long I can go without using the internet...and I can't do it. Even if I only used it for work, I still need the internet for everything now, and it's accessible on virtually every computer on the planet! Limitless information and entertainment is merely one click away!
E-mail! Messaging! Ebay! Meeting people! Game groups! Blogs! Online stores! Wikipedia (remember having to go to the library?)! Cartoons! Porn...which I've heard other people quite enjoy! Research! Google! I-tunes! Free videogames! News! Immediate feedback! Free useful computer tool programs! Coupons! Movie reviews! Free TV shows! Netflix! Youtube!
THE SMUG SATISFACTION OF KNOWING THAT NO MATTER HOW FAT AND STUPID YOU CAN BE, THERE ARE PEOPLE A BILLION TIMES FATTER AND DUMBER!!!
Sigh...I can beat it in a competition, prove it's overrated and silly, but I can't deny that it's the most important invention since the computer itself.
Besides, thanks to the internet, and www.writing.com (screenname 'Blompkin'), I'm actually getting published next month in an independent magazine!
Specifically, 'How to Cook Roast Dragon' is getting published in 'Mississippi Crow' (issue 5), which will soon be available at www.mississippicrow.com!
Yes, I put up a good fight, but I feel like an eight year old who finally beat his seventeen year old brother in chess. Sure, I won, but he can still push me over on a whim, and I need him to drive me to the mall later.
In fact, I'm just going to say it: THE INTERNET RULES! It's most websites that suck!
Just not this one. ^_^
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