MUPPETS THEATER...UNCOVERED!

Okay, so I was in the supermarket, passing a bunch of trashy 'is this celebrity pregnant', 'are they engaged' and 'is he gay' scandal rags, like the Trentonian, and I was wondering,

"You know, with all the innuendo and bad reputation dramatic theaters get, it's shocking that the Muppet Theater hasn't made the front page. I mean, has anyone ever wondered which of the Muppet cast is gay?"

It turns out that's not the kind of thing you should say out loud at the grocery store. Thankfully, the staff was more than polite while escorting me out.

I know this isn't the kind of thing a normal person wonders about, but it started as a random thought, and Amber suggested I run with it, so here's my trashy expose:


Everyone's wondering, with all the Muppets on the team, there has to be a few gay cast members, considering that only three members of the cast show any consistent interest in the opposite sex what-so-ever. So besides Piggy, Gonzo and Animal, who else is there?

We could go on forever, of course, but let's stick with the main suspects:

Kermit avoids too much scrutiny by showing genuine interest in plenty of female cast members, just not Piggy. Kermit is simply a man absorbed in his...startling number of careers. Rumors of a drug problem have yet to be proven, however.

Fozzie is another suspect, but given his crush on Rachael Welch, he probably isn't gay. Of course, she's hot enough to make any man drool, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Fozzie's just too neurotically obsessed over his comedy to have time for anything else.

Rowlf is another muppet that doesn't show too much interest in women, but he's talked about women with a poetic sadness that suggests he's just incapable of forming long term relationships. He's a dog, plain and simple.

Yes, I know that Cookie Monster is often hugging and slobbering over the male human characters on Sesame Street, but Cookie Monster has a problem. Cookie Monster has the washed out, buggy eyes of an addict. We can only hope he seeks rehab before it's too late (and don't buy the 'cookies are a sometimes food' speech, that was a requirement of his probation).

I know what you're thinking, 'what about all the famous duos'? Surely they're marching in parades, dressed up like Dorothy? You'd think so, but there's a crucial flaw in that logic: if they were really a romantic couple, they wouldn't get along so well.

Statler and Waldorf were suspected by Amber, but they're simply having too much fun for it to be a relationship. No, these old guys are just trying to get away from their wives for a while, and laugh at a poor neurotic bear. I never said it was nice, I just said it was fun.

Bert and Ernie? For the love of God people, let me spell it out for you:

1. They're incredibly casual around each other.

2. They're often arguing, but generally get along.

3. They never talk about individual families.

4. They look more alike than any other two muppets.

THEY'RE RELATED! Most likely, they're brothers, but cousins are possible. Despite all their arguments and Bert's tantrums, leaving each other never seems to be an option. That's because they're family!

So where does this leave us, with three muppets that are likely gay, and one that as far as I'm concerned, definitely is.

1. Scooter

Yes, he's effeminate, but it goes far beyond that. No one shows less interest in women and more genuine enthusiasm for the theater besides Scooter. No man gets that enthusiastic about something unless sex is involved. Of course, he could be sleeping with one of the chorus girls, so you never know.

2. Sam the Eagle

Sad, isn't it? Sam is a hopeless closet case that hides behind a wall of 'righteousness' and 'virtue'. The only time he seems interested in anyone is when someone of 'culture' is on the show, and if they're a man, his reaction is always to visit them, alone, in their dressing room. The common sight of Sam going through a door, as if back into a closet, is very thinly veiled symbolism. This is far from iron clad, but there you have it.

3. Dr. Teeth

What? Don't believe me? Out of all the members of the band, Dr. Teeth is the only one not to be paired up with Janis in some fashion, as either a boyfriend figure, or a partner at the dance. Of course, we all know about Janis, but that's another issue. Dr. Teeth is also infinitely more showy and flamboyant than any other Muppet character, and dresses like a cross between Freddy Mercury and Elton John. Remember that other guy in the band that was only there for a while? The guy with fuzzy blond hair? I'm pretty sure that's the gay equivalent of 'girlfriend with the tambourine'.


So who is this mysterious, 'certainly gay' Muppet? Let's think...

Who is always surrounded by men?

Who is always over-compensating?

Who cares about what men think of him, but not women?

Who hangs out at the gym a lot?

Who was originally a romantic interest for Piggy, only to have it drop without a word and never come up again?

Who keeps singing Village People songs?


That's right! Link Hogthrob!

GASP!

Oh it's not so surprising. He's vain, cares a lot about his looks, but doesn't care a thing about women. Piggy hit on him once, they had a private discussion, and it was dropped without a word. He's overly macho and always hangs out with the guys, and shows no interest in anything else.

Any other proof?

When was the only time he tried to kiss Piggy's character in Pigs in Space?

When she was being played by Fozzie.

Yeah...no surprise there.