NEVER MIND

Nevermind what I said about not getting published in the Escapist, my letter made the 'letter to editors' page. I know that's not really getting 'published', but it's nice they liked it enough to have it in there, and it's even at the front of the 'letters to editor' section.

Here's the link:

www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/letters/3034-Letters-to-the-Editor-Weird-Science

Go to watch me slam 'Beyond Good and Evil', stay for Zero Punctuation. ^_^

Now that we're done with that, let's take a trip to hell.


H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS

Ever wonder what hell is like? If it follows the traditional example, I don't know if it's enough to make me too scared. Yes, there's chains and fire and torture, but we have that in the real world too. Ever get the feeling that someone from a war-torn country would just shrug and move on? Would someone right out of a bad prison just find a shiv, make a friend, and start lifting weight's in hell's yard?

I'm not saying it wouldn't be bad, but it seems kind of disappointing. I prefer to think that hell, if there is one, is personalized to the user. Here's my version, as I see it, during a typical day:

7:00 AM: I wake up in my college dorm, and it ALWAYS feels way too early, and way too cold. I get that groggy, draggy feeling, but I can't sleep in or drag my feet, because if I'm not out of my room in 5 minutes, everything turns into pink ceiling insulation.

7:05 AM: Everything turns into pink ceiling insulation. Damn it, I told myself I'd only rest my eyes for 10 seconds, and now this.

7:10 AM: After a quick shower which starts fine, but then the hot water randomly runs out, and a hurried shave using an old bic razor and ice cold water, I sit down to a heaping bowl of raw radishes. I check the fridge for dressing, and find only regular mayonaise *shudder*.

7:15 AM: I choke down the rest of the radishes, and suddenly remember it's daylight savings time.

(one second later)

8:15 AM: You'd think I'd remember, given that it's daylight savings every day in hell (always ahead, and the clocks won't change). No time to waste then, I'm off to my job: following people in cars.

10:15 AM: After a few hours of following a guy who's driving 20 miles over the speed limit in downtown Newark during a blizzard, I stop by my favorite bagel place to get yelled at by nuns. No bagels, just angry nuns. Regardless, the place is my favorite because it doesn't have quite as many nuns as everywhere else.

12:00 PM: It's been a long morning, and I've only received 4 speeding tickets and 8 work-related reprimands. It's time for lunch. As per usual, I walk up to the lunch truck, and the man inside steps out, and kicks me in the shin. I pay him $5 for the service, and leave.

12:07 PM: I spend the rest of my break working off the speeding tickets and reprimands through the usual method of punishment: hell's DMV. It's basically the normal DMV, only after you wait for an hour, re-fill out the forms, go back home to get the missing ID requirement, and get the worst possible picture of you taken, the woman behind the counter stamps the form twice, and lets you know that she'll never ever go out with you. She just wanted to let you know, because it'd be kind of awkward if you asked. She then posts your picture on the wall, and everyone laughs at it.

1:00 PM: It's time for my afternoon job, fixing things that aren't broken. After spending an hour trying to 'get that icon to come back' or trying to 'make it do everything by itself', my boss declares it all 'useless' and throws the computer out the window.

2:07 PM: My boss changes her mind, and has me go get the computer and get it running again, so everyone can see that great video on youtube of that loser with the bad hair getting rejected at the DMV.

2:30 PM: I finish the rest of the work day the way I always have do: cold call sales, made to cell phones that have bad reception. Our target market? People attending funerals.

5:30 PM: It's been a long day, but after driving home, and making my way past the hundreds of random stray animals in the yard, I go inside and find dozens of my roommate's friends messing with my stuff. For the rest of the evening, I constantly have to keep them from knocking things over and moving things to where they shouldn't be. Oh, and my roommate is just a random guy that screams at me in Chinese. And I mean SCREAM.

6:30 PM: Dinner is always what I already had for lunch the same day...which by my own admission is a brutal kick to the shin. Dang.

7:00 PM: The rest of the evening, when not dealing with the guests, is watching one of the three available channels: disturbing deep sea fish documentaries *shudder*, sports I don't understand, and the TV listing channel, which shows me what's on all the channels I don't get, including the complete run of 12oz Mouse, the director's cut of Clue, and 'that girl I used to work with at the book store' Gone Wild.

11:00 PM: It's time for bed. Did I remember to set the clock ahead? Of course not. While sleeping, I conversely dream of either deep sea fangly fish, or being at the dentist.

??? PM/AM: Some nights, but not every night, and always at a random time, an angry monkey is dropped on my head while I sleep. The credits roll.


There you have it! Now, I don't want to do any of that more than I already must, so I'm going to try and avoid hell altogether. Judging by the bible's top 10 list, I should be alright, as I only commit two of the sins on a regular basis (it would be three, but my neighbors' wives aren't very attractive).

If nothing else that should get me into at least purgatory...and with my luck, it's exactly the same as hell, only with a 'nice participation' trophy on my shelf...which my roommate's girlfriend keeps tossing around the fucking room.

Stay good everybody. ^_^