Yes, again it's been a while since I posted, and again, I'm blaming finishing 'Kutztown'. Only 5-6 chapters to go though. Of course, I can also blame Mass Effect.

No Frog?

In the story Mass Effect, there is a race called the Salarians, which resemble large, thin headed frogs. Despite the fact they are geniuses, and have one of the high counsel seats, you never get one in the party. Sure, they're kind of boring, arrogant and cowardly, but that didn't stop the Gungans from dominating 97% of the screen time in Star Wars Episode I (that's how it felt to me, anyway).

It just seems strange that the story sets them up as one of the most powerful races in the galaxy, and then ignores them. They're also known, besides science, to be masters of espionage...master spies that might have the ability to secretly infiltrate one of the members, thanks to plastic surgery, into the human race...

TO BECOME THE FIRST HUMAN SPECTRE!!!

Think about it, the humans will be gratified, while the Salarians secretly control and manipulate the human race! Not even the council will know the truth! It's brilliant! It's feasible! It's...

KERMIT SHEPHARD

Okay, first step is to cut an old green jacket...I mean, give the character the biggest, roundest eyes, then take off all his hair, give him a huge head, erase his chin, scrunch his lips flat, and press his nose directly against his face.

Perfect! No one will ever suspect that he's one of the frog race! Seriously, they don't. Feel free to imagine your best Kermit voice.

...

TURIAN SPECTRE: "You humans aren't ready for the responsibility of being a Spectre."

KERMIT SHEPHARD: "Exactly! That's what I've been saying for all these..."

TURIAN: "..."

K.S.: "I mean...YOU'RE WRONG!"


...


K.S.: "This is my ship, and I can bellow orders with the best of them!"

ADMIRAL: "Are you sucking in helium when I'm not looking?"

K.S.: "Uh...yes."


...


Ashley: "Hello."

K.S.: "Do you want to drop your egg sack so I can fertilize it?"

Ashley: "Huh?"

K.S.: "I mean...how's it going...baby?"


...


Bad Guy: "The human race will be destroyed!"

K.S.: "Not if I can enslave them!"

Bad Guy: "What?"

K.S.: "I mean..."

*CHECKS SALARIAN TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY*

K.S.: "Fuck you!"


...


Liara: "I'm developing feelings for you."

K.S.: "Wait...I uh, have forgotten if humans are monogamous or not."

Liara: "Really? That seems like something you wouldn't forget."

K.S.: "Yeah, would you believe it? Well, let me check my handy list of human history, and see if they...I mean we are monogamous."

*CHECKS DATA PAD*

K.S.: "Wow, those are overwhelming numbers. Apparently we can have sex, but I just can't tell the other woman involved."

Liara: "Really? Can I sleep with Kaiden too?"

K.S.: "Oh sure! Just don't tell me afterwards. It's all here in the data pad. Want to go mate in the medical closet?"

Liara: "We are in the medical closet...I kind of live here."

K.S.: "Cool! Now where's your egg sack again?"


...


Liara: "After melding minds, I saw..."

*K.S. slowly draws gun*

Liara: "It's all so blurry..."

*Casually cleans sniper rifle, pointed at Liara's head*

Liara: "It's information on the reavers!"

*Juggles grenades*

Liara: "And nothing else!"

K.S.: "Oh thank God, I thought you were going to figure out I'm..."

*Everyone stares*

K.S.: "...gay. Yes, that's an appropriate response given the context."

...

COUNCIL: "You've just committed genocide, exterminating an entire race!"

*K.S. waves arms in air*

Kermit Shephard: "YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"