BEST AND WORST MOVIES: PART 2

As promised...


BEST PORN


Honorable Mention: World's Bustiest Asian...

Okay, I'm not actually going there. You can thank me later...right after you beat me senseless for going on about the worst pornos ever.

No, I'm not 'going there' in the literal sense. I won't go into that. Instead, I'm going to rant a little bit on the two worst movies that pretended to be serious, artistic, oscar-worthy films, and instead turned out to be Porn. Not even good porn.


WORST PORN

Dishonorable Mention: Caligula (1979)

Okay, picture this...

Wait...on second thought, don't.

Instead, picture an 18 year old Max, finally able to rent 'adult' movies, who doesn't have the guts to actually rent porn. Keep in mind, this is before the internet caught on.

Now, he's looking around the video store and he sees 'Caligula'. It has naked women, it's critically acclaimed, and it appears historical. Naked women and a good movie to boot! Who could ask for more?

Young Max then takes it home, sneaks it upstairs, puts it on, and is immediately scarred for life.

This movie is grotesque. It's not even historically accurate. The incest is really the tamest part. I'm all for sex and violence in movies, but NOT IN THE SAME SCENE. The best parts are merely disgusting, and I really don't want to go further into it.

To quote the hilarious (although it isn't always intentional) Roger Ebert:

"It isn't good art and it isn't good porn."

Ew...still, one redeeming scene, no doubt as a concession to investors (who were probably nearing the torch and pitchfork stage), is in the movie towards the end, involving the Roman senator's wives. It DEFINITELY isn't worth watching for it, but it makes it a little bit better than...


WORST PORN: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Story time once more. Okay, I'm at college, flipping through the channels, and I stop at the college TV station...and it's soft core porn.

Seriously.

It's fully clothed people in masks watching naked people in masks have sex. It'd be more interesting if it wasn't ridiculously 'artsy' and over-dramatic.

Suddenly, there's a little tension as one of the guys in masks (fully clothed, thankfully) is cornered and revealed as an intruder. He's ordered to take off his mask and it's...

Tom Cruise

I nearly passed out. I nearly hurled myself out the second story window, to end the nightmare. No, it was real...and it was Tom Cruise.

I had one of those 'if it wasn't for my horse' moments. My mind's racing. What the hell is Tom Cruise doing in a bad, artsy soft core porn movie?

Then it hits me...Eyes Wide Shut. The movie progresses terribly, with all the horrible acting, and no more nudity. It's bad enough that Tom Cruise is the type of actor who prepares for the role of a doctor by putting on a stethoscope, but nobody brings anything to this movie. How the hell could Kubrick, one of the best directors who ever lived, create a piece of crap like that?!

That's when it hits me. Imagine you're Kubrick. You're an old and famous director, and a dirty old man (all old men are 'dirty old men' by the way). You're in no mood to marry a gold digging, trophy wife. You can't go to a strip club, or it'd be all over the news. The internet is around, but still in the crappy AOL stage.

What do you do?

You direct a movie that's basically nothing but a strip club, and sell it off as art. Genius. It's trash, but the scam is genius. ^_^


BEST COMEDY

Along with detective/mystery, it's probably my favorite genre. Movies are supposed to be fun, and comedies are definitely that...usually.


Honorable Mention: Young Frankenstein (1974)

Of all the movies in the list, this is probably the closest any honorable mention got to winning. Gene Wilder is a comic genius (if he wasn't such a prick in real life, he'd get more acclaim), and his talent, combined with a great cast, hilarious script and top notch directing, all combined to bring us the greatest parody of all time. The 'scalpel' scene near the beginning never fails to crack me up, and if any other actor besides Gene Wilder did it, it probably wouldn't have been nearly as funny. Comedy is ultimately about subtlety and timing, and no movie does it better than...


BEST COMEDY: Clue (1985)

Yes, you probably saw this one coming, but come on:

Tim Currey
Madelain Kahn (In both top comedies, by the way)
Christopher Lloyd
Martin Mull
Michael McKean
Colleen Camp (the ludicrously hot Yvette)
Eileen Brennan

This is a cast that could only produce pure, comic gold, and surely enough they did. The plot is clever, fast moving, suprisingly realistic (everything that happens is certainly possible), and like my top action pick 'Hot Fuzz', Clue keeps escalating, starting off slow and slightly sombre, but by the end it runs like a full blown madcap comedy.

Also like Young Frankenstein, the movie would have only been 'alright' if it weren't for the experienced cast, who play off each other beautifully, with hilarious and subtle performances.

Yes, I'm a major clue fan...and I've even ranted in the past about how only the 'first' ending (the one with the 'one plus two' bit) is the only ending that makes sense...because otherwise how would the murderers know about the secret passage from the Conservatory to the Lounge? It doesn't make sense that they'd find it by chance during the few minutes left alone, and Miss Scarlet was the only one who could possibly know...

Well, you see what I mean. Still, it's a fantastic movie. Also, it cements Madelain Kahn's place as the queen of comedy. You know her rant on how much she hated Yvette? She improvised that on the spot. ^_^


Almost made it to the list

Most of the Monty Python Movies (like the series, the often get a little slow and unfunny at times...blasphemous, I know, but live with it)

Most other Mel Brooks Movies (there are many many great ones, but Young Frankestein is the best)

Oh Brother Where Art Thou (A little too serious, with too many scenes of the 'politicians', but otherwise very good)

MST3K The Movie (Yes, I'm a fanboy, but I'll give them props. The movie is tight, short, entertaining, and you don't need to be a fan to enjoy it. The end credits is the best end credits of any movie, ever)


WORST COMEDY


Dishonorable Mention: Most Adam Sandler movies

God, I hate Adam Sandler. He plays every single part with the same blank, humorless aggressiveness. He's one of those actors who believes he can phone in rolls because he oozes talent, but since he has virtually none, he just comes off as an aloof idiot.

Have a favorite Adam Sandler movie? I guarantee you he was carried along by better actors, to give the impression of talent by having other comedians provide all the humor. He's the Millie Vanilli of comedy. He's Owen Wilson without charm. He's Ben Stiller without personality. He's Rob Schneider without any shred of humility.

Alright, I'll give him Happy Gilmore, but that's it. Everything else is trash.


WORST COMEDY: Nothing but Trouble (1991)

When a man sits down with his friends to watch a movie starring Dan Akroyd, Jim Candy, Chevy Chase, and Demi Moore (back when she was hot)...a man has certain expectations. This is a very talented cast, full of veteran comedians...

So what the hell happened? This movie has all the grotesqueness of Caligula, only instead of nudity, it has wacky sound effects. For some strange reason, I keep getting the odd suspicion that Dan Akroyd's trying to be funny. Maybe it's just me.

An insane old judge with a nose that looks like a penis...yeah, that's the joke...an old backwoods courthouse, and a roller coaster like machine that kills people, debones them, and spits their bones onto a huge pile in back.

The punchline? They mainly target bankers.

Let me know if I cross over anything that sounds funny, because these are the jokes in their entirety. There's no delivery or charm, you're just supposed to be hearing these things, and rolling on the floor with laughter.

Even John Candy cross dressing doesn't do anything for the humor. It's ugly, it's dumb, and they even throw in two giant retarded fat guys in diapers.

Give me any three random highschoolers, a case full of red bull, a computer with a word processor, and a long weekend, and I guarantee you'll have a funnier movie than this one. Jesus fucking Christ...I want to ask Dan Akroyd what the hell happened. I'll even break out the Ouiji board and ask John Candy. Chevy Chase and Demi Moore I expect this from, but the rest...what happened?

I'd rather break a tooth and get a crown, than have to watch this movie ever again.


BEST SCIENCE FICTION

Let's lighten things up with Sci-fi. I have to admit, I'm nowhere as big a sci-fi fan as I am a fantasy fan, mostly because the genre as a whole feels they doesn't have to be entertaining. I'm not sure why.


Honorable Mention: Star Wars (1977)

There's plenty of room for fanboyism here, but really, it's a great movie. For the kids, there's plenty of space ships, laser sword fighting, magic powers, and HUGE explosions! For the more serious, there's a great cast, good plot, and great dialog. Nevermind that the sequels are nothing like the original movie, and that the plot was based on 'The Hidden Fortress' and the atmosphere was lifted straight out of 'Dune'. George Lucas pulled everything together and brought us a classic gem. It isn't the best though. The best goes to someone who took more risks...


BEST SCI-FI: Blade Runner: the Director's Cut (1982)

Blade Runner is a visual masterpiece, considering everything was done with models and light effects. That's right, no CGI or animation at all. That's more than enough to make it worth watching, but the story goes much further, and manages to define the disutopian sci-fi genre with its portrayal of a future that's not bright and fantastic, but crowded, dirty, dark, polluted, and enbridled with a ethically and morally questionable culture.

It's a standard, mysterious androids that look human run amok and kill people plot, but the director Ridley Scott never takes the easy way out, by dismissing them as 'evil'. The movie is designed to show how human the replicants really are, and how inhuman regular people can become, until the differences are minute, and eventually, indestinguishable. Harrison Ford plays the hard boiled detective part perfectly, and Rutger Hauer steals the show as the villain.

Their final scene together on the rooftop is one of the most poignant scenes I can ever remember seeing in a movie, not only for Rutger Hauer's speech, but for Harrison Ford's amazingly subtle reactions, as he himself, as well as the audience, begin to question what we believe.

Alright, it's not only drama. There's more than enough action to keep anyone satisfied, and a little T & A to boot.

Interestingly enough, this is the only movie I can think of where I suggest watching the original version first, and then the director's cut afterwards. The director's cut is better, but it can often be hard to follow, as the plot moves along without waiting for the audience to keep up. The original is much easier to follow, but includes a ridiculously 'super happy' ending, and some unwelcome voice overs that cause the action to stop and sputter. Don't worry, it's definitely worth watching twice.


Almost made the list

12 Monkeys (I'm not a huge Terry Gilliam fan, but this is actually quite good)

Star Trek 8: First Contact (the best of the Star Trek movies. It's quick, easy to follow, and thoroughly entertaining. Best of all: no Shatner)

Serenity (It includes everything great about the series 'Firefly', and none of the bad parts...and yes, there were many bad parts. Deal with it)

Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi (Empire got a little dark and artsy, only to slingshot in the opposite direction and become cutesy and dump by Jedi. They're both good, just not good enough)


WORST SCI-FI

Dishonorable Mention: Matrix 2 (2003)

More of an action movie than a Sci-fi, but it counts, and I want those few hours of my life back. The action, actually, is the most serviceable aspect of the movie. I'd even go as far to describe the car chase/battle involving the ghostly brothers, Morpheus, Trinity and the agents as 'awesome'.

It's too bad they felt the need to keep interrupting with French babbling, completely out of place philosophy, pointlessly bland kung-fu action, and a love scene that's almost enough to get me to swear off sex for good.

Like many other terrible sequels, everyone involved gutted out everything that made the original movie great, packed it tightly with pure ego, and marketed it as if it were the second coming of Christ.

I sincerely hope Neo's fight against all the Agent Smiths was supposed to be hilarious. I honestly rolling in the aisles.

The only thing interesting about the movie, and the Matrix series in general, is the moral ambiguity. The heroes pine over the safety and wellbeing of each other, and then go on to happily murder hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people in the Matrix. Sure, they're 'part of the system', but so were they at some point.

I wouldn't harp on it, as it is often necessary, but nobody seems to care the least when countless men, women and children die by their hands. Hell, Neo's climactic rush to save Trinity, only a single person, had to have killed at least a thousand people, most of whom had to mean as much to someone as Trinity meant to him.

The movie is pure self-absorbtion. Not only were the Wachowski brothers completely absorbed by their own arrogance when making this movie (hopefully Speed Racer took them down a few pegs), but the characters in the movie are equally self absorbed, heartless soldiers that care nothing about the innocent, defenseless, or any other lives or feelings besides their own.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to put in a movie, but it does make it hard to take all the 'religious' symbolism in the movie seriously. Jesus wouldn't kill a person even to save his own life. Neo kills a hundred people on his way to work each day. You might also note that in the sequel, he only sacrifices himself after Trinity is dead. Even that reaks of selfishness. It hurts too much to live, so he's going to kill himself. The fact it saves the world is almost coincidental.


WORST SCI-FI: Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (2002)

Sigh...


SIGH......


Say what you want about Episode I and Jar Jar, but it had its moments. Yes, we were all disappointed, but it wasn't a bad movie. Even Episode 3, with its non-stop whining, impossible to follow sword fights and stupid plot resolutions wasn't terrible. I can think of at least three scenes that drew me in.

Why, oh why did Episode 2 have to happen? There's literally NOTHING to see here. Lucas continues to devalue his own worth by forcing deep helping of politics, bland conversations, unimaginative CGI, and climactic battles that consistently fail to live up to the hype.

In every way, you'll be disappointed by this movie. It keeps setting up brilliant 'concepts' for scenes, only to horribly blow the delivery in the worst possible way. It's like watching a comedy bit between Bud Abbot and...well, Jar Jar binks.

The catina scene is shockingly forgettable (with almost no aliens at all), Jango Fett's death is stupid (although not as stupid as some suggest...he just never imagined that every shot would be blocked), Christopher Lee is completely out of place, Anakin is as likeable as a rabid badger with irritable bowel syndrome, and the ending is horribly anti-climactic.

Watch this movie, and Episodes I and III will look a LOT better. Trust me.


Well, that's all the time I have for this week (I spent way too much time on Sci-fi), but we'll be back with Robin Williams. Can you guess which movie of his drove me to call him up and convince him to start drinking again? Stay tuned.