Heya! Things are kind of busy at work today, so I thought I'd just to a quick one. First, it started as a simple question I heard on the internet: who would win in a fight, Mario or Sonic?

I ignored the question and went on to more worthwhile pursuits.

Just kidding, of course.

Assuming Mario has fireflower, and Sonic has a few rings...I have to give it to Sonic.

Both can attack head on, and Mario can do it at a distance (assuming he has fireflower), but Sonic can slam through mario at top speeds and move a LOT faster through the air. If you still think this places them on an even ground, take into account what happens if they're hit.

Depending on the version of Mario, if Mario is hit he either turns back into large mario, or shrinks directly back into small mario. In any case, as he gets hit, he weakens. Sonic, on the other hand, is just as strong after being hit, with the only penalty being he loses his rings, and as long as he gets at least one ring back, he can still take at least two more hits, and possibly more if he can keep catching that one ring.

That being said, there is one scenario where Mario would easily win: underwater. Again, assuming Mario has fireflower, Mario could easily swim up out of Sonic's reach and rain fireballs (hey, if you accept mushrooms making you big, you should accept using fire underwater) down upon the incredibly slow Sonic, who can't even swim in any of his games. Even without fireflower, Mario could just swim up out of reach and wait for Sonic to suffocate, as Mario doesn't seem to need to breathe.

So, if the fight's underwater, Sonic doesn't have a chance, but if the fight's virtually anywhere else, Mario won't even know what hit him.

Besides, Tails is a much more useful sidekick than Luigi, and I'll take Knuckles over Toad any day.


Now that I'm finished with that episode of pure geekdom...let me start a completely new episode of geekdom!

I've bet you've always wondered: How exactly does Max crash into a new Role Playing society, or roleplaying message board? I think it would go a little something like...

BLOMPKIN (Me):

"Hello? Where am I? Has anyone seen my hat?"

The Avatar, who didn't even have a single clue what an Avatar was, or what the Nexus was, or even that his hat was clearly still upon his head, didn't so much teleport into the Nexus as much as he wandered into it. There was no portal, no lights, no fanfare, and his expression was one of only honest bewilderment. He reached to scratch his head.

"Oh! Never mind! I found my hat, but I would once again like to state 'Hello' in the form of a question, and ask where I am...everything is more...real here."

Blompkin appeared to be a cartoon, but not of the wacky-zany variety. If through their travels through time and space, one of the Avatars had ever been to a planet called 'Earth' and seen animated movies such as 'Wizards', 'Flight of Dragons', or 'The Hobbit', they would have recognized his look. He was drawn to human proportions, but not very well. Everything about his animated appearance suggested his drawing was 'rushed' and for a fantasy story of some sort. Still, he had all the trappings of an adventurer, with a small bow over his shoulder (along with an empty quivver), a dagger in his belt, a belt that looked as if it had been recently repaired after a failed attempt to put his dagger in it, a light suit of leather armor, simple brown pants and boots (animators didn't go into much detail with that), a small pouch of solid yellow gold pieces, a full head of sandy blonde hair, a pleasant face (with a very small nose that was little more than a crooked slash of a pencil), a knit cap upon his head, and a small lute under his arm.

He briefly considered casting a charm to help show him the way...but for some reason couldn't remember any. Funny, he never had trouble using his ill-defined minor magic powers before.

"Oh, and if you've seen my powers, I'm looking for those too!"

ANDROMACHE (other player):

There is a silver shimmer of light a short distance from the new Avatar. As it intensifies, a woman solidifies into Proper.

Andromache Chthoniaos is a striking figure. She is tall, athletic, and undeniably womanly. Her skin (very visable) is a sunkissed mediterranean complexion and her voluminous black hair, pulled back from the front of her face, falls in soft waves over her shoulders. Her sleaveless clothing is white, losely flowing over her form. She wears sandals with a turquoise stone set on the strap between her largest and second largest toes. The laces wrap criss-cross most of the way up her toned calf muscles.

She has one child on her right hip, and another on the left who almost instantly wriggles for freedom and is allowed down onto the grass. The girls, approximately a year old, are almost certainly twins, although the one on her mother's hip is slightly larger and has sleek smooth hair while the youngster with the wanderlust has wild black curls more like her mother's.

With slightly wobbly but determined strides, the little adventurer approaches the new Avatar and, reaching into a very small pocket in her purple overalls, produces an impossibly large orange with one leaf an a small cluster of orange blossoms still attrached to the stem. The moment the orange emerges, the air is filled with the aroma as if the assembled figures were standing in the center of a grove in full bloom or ripeness or if somehow possible-- both. The child squeals with self satisfaction and offers up the fruit to the stranger with a sparkle in her eye.

The other child, in turquoise overalls, claps her hands in appreciation. A soft breeze wisks the newcomer's "missing" hat off his head and it bobs gently in mid air before him like a boat on an invisible sea. The child in purple seems to nod in approval and babbles something in an unrecognizable language. The children both laugh.

Andromache, who has been closely observing the children's behavior towards the stranger smiles broadly and looks across to him. "Kalispera, Avatar. I am Andromache Chthonaios. It is my pleasure--"

"Aiyah!" Interrupts the aqua-clad child.

"Our pleasure," The woman arches an eyebrow and corrects herself with a smile, "to greet you. This is the girls' first official welcoming outing and they're taking their job most enthusiastically." She sets the second child down and nods her forward. "Go ahead Angel, intoduce yourself."

Instead of introducing herself, the child points to her sister and says, "Tee-ah!"

Thea points back and grins "Kay!"

"Good job girls!" Andromache laughs. "On behalf of my family and the citizenry of Xenia, Welcome you to the Nexus."

BLOMPKIN:

Blompkin was simply dumbstruck. This was the most well defined woman he had ever seen in his life. Every other woman he had known up to then had been drawn with much fewer lines. They usually only had a general womanly shape, a simple single colored dress, an incredibly small nose and ears, and hair that stood more or less as a single solid mass. He wasn't sure who Kalispera Avatar was, or why Andro-makey has mistaken him for them, but one thing he had learned in his travels was not to wear more than one pair of pants at a time.

Another, far more relevant thing he had learned was that when a kind, mysterious woman offered you a gift, you had better take it. After all, you'd probably wind up needing the item to complete the quest. He knelt before the beautiful woman and proclaimed, in a completely sincere tone of voice,

"Oh magnificent Queen Andro-makey, I humbly accept your orange, and swear to thrust it into the very heart of the evil dragon that is terrorizing your kingdom, the Nexus. Fear not my lady, for my fruit will strike true, and its peel shall rend the fell beast's head clean off its metallic black shoulders, or else my name is not KALISPERA AVATAR!"

ANDROMACHE:

Thea looks confused and not quite sure what to do with the orange now that the man is kneeling, she looks to Mommy for guidance.

Andromache's gasps. Her eyes widen in the knowledge that all of her years of conditioning and NOMOS training, and field experience are about to fail her utterly. Desperate not to offend or embarrass this new avatar, in the microseconds that she has to attain control of herself she is overcome with a manic internal mantra, mustnotlaughmustnotlaughmustnotlaughohgodshelpmeimustNOTlaugh! She closes her eyes for a perilous moment. Her sides ache with the effort of self-containment, and a single tear slides down her cheek as she takes a deep breath and opens her eyes.
Fortunately the effect is that of a woman overwhelmed by a gallant gesture and not one close to collapsing in a choking fit of hysterics.

Kay, whose own one-year-old standards of decorum are slightly more flexible just giggles delightedly.

An agonizing moment passes as she checks herself once more before removing her hand from her mouth which she offers to the kneeling toon. "Gallant stranger, please rise." She speaks at first somewhat tremulously, but by her second sentence, her tone is warm and even again. "You are clearly and individual of great honor and grace, and your first actions in this new world are both inspiring and encouraging; but as I am not any kind of royalty and you are no one's subject here, you must not feel compelled to kneel."

"Furthermore I apologize, for I have forgotten myself and greeted you, Kalispera-- 'good-afternoon' in the language of my homeworld. I should have used the common tongue for your benefit."

Thea tugs at her mother's skirt and Andromache remembers the mystical-orange-of-dragon-slaying, which threatens once more to break her etiquette, but she takes another breath and continues smoothly. "The orange my daughter, Athena, offers you is one from the trees that grow in my domain of Xenia. It is a gift of friendship and welcome. It will help you find your way to our home, should you seek to visit us, and hopefully it will refresh you after what has no doubt been an extraordinary journey. It will not kill any dragons, nor will any product of my domain do harm to anyone; but it may be a comfort to know that the slaying of dragons is not as necessary in the Nexus as you may have been led to believe."

BLOMPKIN:

Blompkin had heard of this kind of situation before: royalty in disguise. Obviously, the queen before him took delight in disguising herself as a mere peasant woman, in order to escape the everyday drudgery of palace life. The mere thought that such a well drawn woman was not integral to the plot, was just downright silly. Still, he knew it was best to play along.

"Of course you aren't!"

WINK

"Your majesty...and by majesty, I mean 'simple peasantwoman'..."

WINK

"I humbly thank you for this normal, everday orange, that is definitely not an ancient and powerful artifact, forged within the deepest depths of the dwarven kingdoms, by the greatest fruitsmiths of the world, using only the largest seeds, purest water, dirtiest dirt, brightest sunlight, and strongest mithril."

WINK

"I am known as Blompkin, humble subject to all kingdoms, and fighter of evil, regardless whether it is in dragon, goblin, orc, troll, slightly larger orc, or evil sorcerer form."

Blompkin gently took the orange with a smile, as the words 'home-world' bounced off his brain like rubber. That was a concept he wasn't quite ready to come to terms with. The words 'home', 'Xenia' and 'visit' fit in his mind just fine though. Once again, in a completely serious tone of voice,

"With your permission, your majest......miss, I would gladly accompany you back to your castl...house, and meet your husband, the Lord and ruler of all Xen...........humble smith."

With a friendly nod to her daughters, Blompkin then hopped up to his feet, sending his head perfectly back into his hat, and mused to himself, as he placed the orange away,

"I'm surprised that this orange wouldn't be-head a dragon, though. After all, it should be great at neck-tearin'!"

The world revolves around Ron Weasley. He is the chaotic spire in which the world is balanced upon.

Not in reality of course, although many teenage girls may damn me for saying so. Oh, and by the way, I've read seen the things you've posted online and you should all be very ashamed of yourselves! I won't subject these people to it, and only say that it involves the male characters in the Harry Potter series, a large tub of baby oil, and gay sex.

But I digress...

THE RON WEASLEY EFFECT

The best way to describe this effect is merely to watch it in action. Let's start with the first Ron Weasley appearance in the first book/movie.

Ron Weasley sits in Harry Potter's cabin, and starts up a nice conversation with him, introducing him to the world of magic further, and by practicing magic, draws the attention of Hermoine Granger, bringing the golden trio together for the first time. Had Ron not been there, Hermoine would have passed by, and do you know who the first person that Harry would meet would be?

Draco Malfoy. Imagine a version of the series where Harry made friends with Draco Malfoy instead of Ron. At that point, Harry was very impressionable, as Ron easily impresses upon him that Slytherin is bad (Slytherin is not that bad of course, not if it has alumni like Snape ^_^). Harry would have most likely joined Slytherin instead of Gryffindor, and the series would have taken a dramatic turn for the tragic. What prevented all this? Ron Weasley.

Although it's certainly not intentional, Ron Weasley is the driving force behind the Harry Potter universe. Every instance of Duex Machina is in fact RonEx Machina, as Ron is more than just a good, helpful friend, but a pawn of the powers that be, which could be anything from God, to fate, to destiny, or to simple unbridled chaos itself.

Now sure, Hermoine helps point the trio in the right direction, and Harry kills the monsters, but the important difference is that Ron does it all by accident. He'll wander into a scene, trip over something, and irrevocably change the fate of the universe.

If Harry never met Ron, then Ron would have never gotten Hermoine upset in the first book, which led her to be out when the troll was on the loose, which led to Harry and Ron fighting it, gaining valuable first hand experience in battle.

If Harry never met Ron, then who would rescue him from being a prisoner in his own home at the beginning of Chamber of Secrets? Even if Harry got a ride some other way, then the car definitely wouldn't have been there to save him in the woods, because Ron would never have stolen it, and he wouldn't have even lived to have his memories obliterated by Lockheart, who only failed because he was using Ron's broken wand! Also, the trip to diagon alley in the beginning wouldn't have involved the misuse of the floo powder, which meant that Harry wouldn't have seen Lucius there with Draco, and wouldn't have been there when Lucius palmed the book into Ginny's things. Let's not forget poor Dobby either. If Harry didn't see the palming of the book, he wouldn't have figured out the part that Lucius played in it, and Dobby would have never been freed...which might be a good thing. He's annoying.

Now, in the the Prisoner of Azkaban, Hermoine gets more screen time than Ron, but then again, she wouldn't be friends with Harry if it weren't for Ron, which would have meant no connection to the Time Travel, which would mean the deaths of both Buckbeak and Black. Also, this is the book where we find out the truth about Scabbers...

...RON'S PET! That's right, by PURE CHANCE, Ron just happens to have been keeping the main villain of the movie as a pet for all these years, drawing Harry deeply in to the plot by association. Sirius Black knows this, which draws him closer to Harry as he tries to get to Scabbers. Without Scabbers looming near Harry, which could never have happened without Ron's association with him, thus severing Harry's connection to the subsequent events.

At this point, can we even imagine a series without Ron Weasley? Imagine Neville taking his place, helping in all the necessary ways, but causing none of the random events that Ron's responsible for. That golden trio is just doing their homework every night, passing classes, going to dances and utterly failing to save the world. They can't. They're too far removed from it all.

In book four it doesn't get any better. No Ron means Harry doesn't go to the Quidditch finals, doesn't get his wand stolen, doesn't become involved in any of those events, or give Barty Crutch several of his ideas. Also, no Ron means there's nothing to stop Krum from dating Hermoine and getting arrested for statuatory rape.

Yeah, I know that she just turned 15, and he's like 17 and a half, but I still think the whole Hermoine/Krum thing is creepy, especially in the movie, where she looks 15 and he looks 23. Besides, if she visited him over at "his place" during the summer, he'd be 18 and she'd still be jail-bait. It's like a senior dating a freshman in high school. It just isn't right.

In the fifth book, this swirling child of chaos takes more of a back seat, as Umbridge enforces order. Ron doesn't do as much, and I do blame this on Umbridge, an agent of cold order to counteract Ron's chaos. Ron does give Harry a connection to his father, who subsequently helps him when he's in trouble with the ministry, but this all happens BEFORE Umbridge shows up. As soon as we're in school and we meet the new teacher, the firey spirit of chance is snuffed out, as a smiling, sharp, block of ice in a pink sweater enforces her version of justice. Ron, having no ability to affect the plot, settles on becoming Gryffindor's hero on the Quidditch field, and waits for the next book.

There, Ron resumes his task as fortune's gopher, leading Harry to his brother's joke shop, allowing him to see Draco make off with the large 'mysterious object'. After this, Ron gets tied up pretty well in a giant heaping helping of 'teenage angst' that never fails to get me to turn the page. This angst helps drive Harry from the party at Slughorn's, allowing him to witness Draco being shadier than ever, wandering the corridor alone. Moreso than in the other novels, Harry's connection with Ron, and subsequently the Weasley family, gives him first hand sight into the inner workings of the ministry, and although this was partially prevented by Umbridge in the last book, there's nothing to stop him now!

It only gets worse when Ron accidentally drinks a love potion and has to be brought to Slughorn for help. There, Ron takes the poison that would have otherwise claimed Slughorn's life! No Slughorn=no information on Horcrux's. No information on Horcrux's=no way to stop Voldemort. At this moment, more than any other, Ron has literally saved the entire wizarding world...just by showing up. Just by being there. Just by doing what comes naturally.

Did he do all this on purpose? Of course not! He's Ron Weasly! Unwitting agent of chaos, accidental savior to billions, and the tool in which the invisible powers that govern the fate of the cosmos use each time they need things to go their way!

A single person, a simple brave fool, who's only purpose is to be there and accidentally save everyone, in a way that nobody would ever expect. Fate always intervenes in the Harry Potter universe, and it always intervenes through HIM. That is the Ron Weasley effect. All you need is one lucky fool, doing exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.

There are many factors that govern the universe: planning, choice, invention, alliances, destruction...but none of them are as powerful, and unpredictable, as chance. The world of wizards, chance has a name, and that name is Ron Weasley.

I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen in the last book, but my money's on Ron falling over, causing Voldemort to trip over him and fall into a bottomless pit. Either that or Harry uses the power of love, or Snape sacrifices himself to save everyone.

I figure Ron's got a 1 in 3 shot. ^_^

Special thanks to www.achewood.com

NOW LET IT BEGIN!

What's the measure of a true badass? It's not merely being able to win in a fight, or else Mike Tyson would be a badass instead of an idiot. If anyone trains long and hard enough, they'll be able to beat any of our finalists in a straight fight...but would this well trained individual be willing to fight, even if the odds were against them? If it was an entire room full of drunk thugs holding pool cues, and they've decided they're not going to stop bothering your family, would that pro fighter step up...or slink back and call their lawyer? Anyone can train enough and become resistant to pain, but could they crawl across glass while they DO feel pain?

Being a badass means doing the right thing, being completely self-reliant, and taking no crap from anyone, especially when the chips are against you. Badass, is 99% attitude. The other 1% is the badass glare.

Anyway, let's have a quick review of the finalists:

Christopher Walken has been an insane badass for decades despite his straight bloodless roles, Animaniacs appearance, and constant, non-stop singing and dancing. He was the headless horseman, a deer hunter, the scariest girlfriend's brother in history, and the greatest Saturday Night Live guest ever.

Willum Dafoe can make any role, even a forgotten silly Spiderman villain or a rediculously gay cop and still be as tough as metal. He tends to play the martyr a little too often, but never whines or complains about it. He also gets bonus points for being a much bigger badass then he has to be.

Samuel Jackson has a nasty habit of dying in his movies, but as I said before, that's the real calling card of a badass. Go ahead, kill him, see if he whines. He'll be fed on by raptors, and just before the shark comes and finishes him off, he'll announce at his own trial, "Yes, they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!"

Lucy Liu is incredibly hot...tough! I mean tough! Lucy Liu kicks ass in every movie she's ever been in, including the ones that suck. *cought*angels*cough* If her awesome performances in bad American movies and good Chinese movies didn't outweigh her incredibly mediocre attempts at speaking Japanese, then Kill Bill pushed her way over into badass country, as she starred as O'Ren, the most richly detailed and badass villain of both movies (sorry Bill, you're cool, but you fight like a coward).

Bruce Willis may have very well started the modern badass movement with Die Hard, kept going strong with Pulp Fiction (the scene with him, the katana, and the cop is priceless), faltered a bit and was partially responsible for some of the worst movies ever made, but came back strong with Twelve Monkeys and Sin City.

Humphrey Bogart is the original badass detective, soldier, and villain, and he did it without huge muscles, explosions or 100 million dollar budgets. Some of Bogey's greatest badass moments involved him just talking, proving once and for all that badass, is merely an attitude.

Now, let's set up some challenges, to see once and for all, who is the greatest movie badass of all time!

CHALLLENGE 1: BAD GUYS ROUGH THE HERO UP

In all great action movies, the hero gets roughed up, and not because he's hit with his only weakness, but because he's only human, and no matter how much of a badass you are, ten guys attacking at once are going to bring you down. (This is why Robocop is only an okay action movie, but Yojimbo is a great one)

Christopher Walken lands a few good hits and tears something important off one of the attackers, then says something really creepy and confusing (like singing "New York, New York" really loudly), then reaches for the phone and calls his girlfriend/wife to see how they're doing. BA rating: 8.5

Willum Dafoe laughs at them, calls them gutless pansies, and winces quietly with each kick to his ribs, then the movie cuts to him in his apartment, bandaging himself up, smoking and drinking. BA rating: 9

Samuel Jackson cries out at them in equal parts agony, honest fear and rage, refusing to tell them anything, taking a swing at them when he can, until he's beaten unconscious. He's found by the widow who hired him, who offers to call an ambulance. He declines. BA rating: 8

Lucy Liu keeps a stone cold emotionless face, and perhaps seems a little childlike in manner, until they let their guard down and she kicks one of her attackers out
the window. This alerts the police, and forces the thugs to flee. She sits in the corner waiting, looking tough, but not selling the pain as well as she possibly could, leaning slightly into the 'invincible hero' category, which is never badass. BA rating: 7

Bruce Willis suddenly turns on the attackers, hits one with a phone, runs into the bathroom and pulls out his own molars with a pair of pliers. The goons are too freaked out to continue the beating, and leave. BA rating: 9 (Was a 10, but he received a 1 point penalty for hitting him with a phone. That's a girly move.)

Humphrey Bogart takes the beating like a man, and afterwards lights up a cigarette, receives no medical attention what-so-ever, and continues the case. BA rating: 9.5

Hmm...Lucy Liu dips a little too much into the action movie star and not enough into the badass hero on that one, but let's move on to event #2.

CHALLENGE 2: BAKE A LOAF OF BREAD FROM SCRATCH

Anyone can be a badass beating guys up, but if the situation suddenly calls for a loaf of fresh bread, are they going to painic, sitcom style, or are they going to buck up and just do it? Being a badass renegade cop is easy, being a badass stay at home dad is hard (honorable mention to Michael Keaton, for Mr. Mom...oh and Batman...which reminds me, I owe Val Kilmer and George Clooney a punch to the head each). But I digress...

Christopher Walken practically dances around the room as he flambouantly throws together a wonderful dish...which is kind of gay. Walken needs to be doing something creepier. BA rating: 6

Willum Dafoe kneads the dough with his knuckles in a poorly lit kitchen while smoking. He looks pretty badass, but something isn't completely right. A guy who can cook well should really be heavier. If he's that thin, something's wrong with his food. BA rating: 8

Samuel Jackson is surrounded by his wife and kids, and he puts together a fantastic loaf of bread, showing his son how to do it right, and correcting him when he's wrong. Then they all sit together and have some of the best bread they've ever eaten. Then a ninja jumps in, and Samuel kills him with the bread knife. BA rating: 9

I make the mistake of telling Lucy Liu to get in the kitchen and bake me a loaf bread. In return she smiles and beats the ever living crap out of me. When I explain it's for the contest, she gives me an incredibly small apology and then gets to work. Lucy Liu can actually cook very well, and whips together a very nice loaf of bread. I sit in the corner with an icepack and whimper. BA rating: 9

Bruce Willis immediately reverts to 'Moonlighting' mode and fumbles making the bread. After ten minutes it's grown to rediculous proportions and he has to admit that he needs his girlfriend's help. He learns a very valuable lesson and the credits roll. Real men do not star in sitcoms...but at least he tried, and didn't do the Ricky Ricardo thing and try and cheat. BA rating: 4

Humphrey Bogart was around before men cooked, and I don't think he'd do it. At most he'd make coffee. Not badass, but that was the way of the times. DISQUALIFIED, BA rating: 1

CHALLENGE 3: BLOOD SPITTING

Christopher Walken gives a dribbling spray that mostly goes down the villain's shirt and his own chin. Creepy. BAR: 8.5

Willum Dafoe does a short spray, covering most of the villain's face. Nothing fancy, but it gets the job done. BAR: 7.5

Samuel Jackson gives a short spit, and a curse. It isn't much spray, but he got the villain right in the eye. BAR: 8

Lucy Liu doesn't bleed much (that whole invincible action movie heroine thing is acting up again), but she does get some hair pulled out. She spits at him, but somehow the hairpulling was creepier. BAR: 6

Bruce Willis sends a big ol' spray of blood into the villian's kisser, and then breathes heavily, ready for the beating to continue. More blood= bigger spray. BAR: 9

Bogart doesn't spit blood, but says something to REALLY piss them off. Sometimes words speak louder then actions...but not always. BAR: 8

CHALLENGE 4: DARKEST MOMENT!!!

Suprise everyone! Your darkest moments have come to haunt you!

Christopher Walken, do you remember...WHO AM I THIS TIME, AN ORIGINAL USA ROMANTIC COMEDY?! DO YOU?!!! It might be a Kurt Vonnegut story (one of literature's great badasses), but it's his sappiest story. Bonus: he does Streetcar Named Desire, but is nowhere as badass in the part as Brando! BAR: 4

Willum Dafoe, do these words mean anything to you...American Dreamz? The Hitchhiker? XXX: State of the Union? Or how about that great movie you were in after Spider Man 1...what was it again...oh yes, NOTHING!!! BAR: 4

Samuel Jackson shame on you. I understand you were completely star-struck when you working with George Lucas as Mace Windu (and I like the purple lightsabre), but you read that part exactly as George Lucas wrote it for you. Real men take risks...although I do give you credit for making the part of Frozone your own...still, you had the perfect chance to be a badass in a Star Wars movie and got overshadowed by Yoda (come on, you could have at least told Lucas that Jango looked stupid just standing there while you whacked off his head). BAR: 3

Lucy, I'm afraid I have two things for you. First, I know I already touched base on your lousy Japanese, but if you can't do it, then why keep trying? Just tell Quentin that your character prefers speaking in English all the time, and move on. Secondly, please turn down parts. I'm not saying you were bad in them, but I've seen your filmography, and some of these parts I wouldn't give to my dog. Please, learn to say no...but not to Matt Groening, you were awesome in Futurama (the secondmost kickass cartoon on television, with Boondocks' one-sided preaching getting it knocked down to third). BAR: 5

Bruce Willis. Hudson Hawk. I understand you did your best in Bonfire of the Vanities (and was the funniest thing in it), but you are solely responsible for Hudson Hawk. As soon as you're done apologizing for that, you can move on to 'The Kid'. BAR: 2

Remember that really terrible Humphrey Bogart movie? No, neither do I. BAR: 10

FINAL ROUND

This is it, the final round. We're covered beatings, cooking, defiance, and their weakest moment...now it's time for their strongest. The catch? There's only...35 points to go around.

Christopher Walken announces loudly, with supreme authority, that he's got to have more cow-bell. He's got a fever that only cow bell can cure! HE NEEDS IT!!!

Willum Dafoe resists threats and temptations from a being of pure evil, and is killed as a result. Of course, it's not hard to play the martyr when you're playing Jesus Christ. Platoon did it better. It takes a real badass to break your heart without evoking any pity.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers, and YOU WILL KNOW THAT MY NAME IS THE LORD, WHEN I LAY MY VENGENCE UPON THEE!!!" Too bad his target wasn't more impressive than a chubby geek.

Guy talks smack about her family heritage and she collects his fucking head...and gives a very informative speech about it. Badass? Yes. Subtle? No, but I certainly don't have anything else to say, do you?

Bruce Willis takes away his weapon...then takes away his other one...twice. Pretty soon he was just pounding meat into the floor. Then he went outside and did what few hwould ave the courage to do. I love you Nancy.

It's tempting to give Bogey's final speech from the Big Sleep, but that wasn't his most badass moment. At the end of the Maltese Falchon, he finds out that the woman he loves killed his partner. They have the ultimate way to shift the blame to other guilty parties...but Bogey's having none of it. He doesn't get angry, he doesn't yell. He just turns her over to the police, and tells her that in eight or twelve years, when they finally let her go, he'll be there, waiting for her. She doesn't die, he doesn't get a sweet 'girl next-door' that was helping him all along the case, and he never stops loving her, but she's guilty, so she has to go to jail. Now that's guts. It's not exactly 'walking over glass' badass, but it's still badass.

CALCULATING

BAR SCORES:

Christopher Walken: 5.5
Willum Dafoe: 5.5
Samuel Jackson: 6.5
Lucy Liu: 5.5
Bruce Willis: 9
Humphrey Bogart: 7

FINAL SCORES:

5th + 6th place: 32.5 points - A tie between Christopher Walken and Lucy Liu

Everyone knows they're both badasses, but both fall short of legendary badasses. They didn't do that badly though, and each did best in their own categories: Creepily Funny Badass and Sexy Badass.

4th place: 33 points - Bruce Willis

I'm getting nosebleeds looking at Bruce's career. He's achieved the highest levels of badassery, and plumbed its very depths. I'm afraid he's going to have to accept the consolation prizes of having banged Demi Moore, and the secure knowledge he could totally kick her new boyfriend's ass.

The Bronze: 34 points - Willum Dafoe

Willum Dafoe's specialty is taking parts that would not be badass if any other actor starred in the role, and turning the character into a complete ass kicker. The Green Goblin was a complete joke until Dafoe donned the green mask. Goody-two-shoes whistleblower in war movies become heart wrenching heroes. Do I even have to mention the homosexual cop in Boondock Saints? Is there any way to describe how awesome he was in the role? The bad news: although he brings a little bit of badass into every role he performs, I can count the truly badass characters he's played in movies on a single hand. We like what we see, Willum, but you'll have to settle for third.

The Silver: 34.5 points - Samuel Jackson

You cannot even begin to understand how much I wanted Samuel to win this, but alas, he only takes second. Did I possibly not give him enough credit for Pulp Fiction? Was I too hard on him for Star Wars? I stand by my ratings and present to you the one thing keeping Samuel from reaching the highest point on this chart: he doesn't take enough risks. It isn't that hard to be a badass when the word 'badass' is in the character description. In movies like Shaft, Snakes on a Plane, and SWAT (lot of S movies now that I think of it), it isn't that hard being a badass, but Coach Carter? Remember the Titans was better. The Great White Hype? You were merely crazy silly. Jackie Brown? Nothing new...and of course we can't ignore Star Wars. These aren't bad movies, but they should have been better, and could have been better if he took more chances with the roles.

Now, I don't want to spend all this time merely trashing him, because he's definitely earned the name on his wallet. From being the coolest hero in Incredibles, to being the ultimate badass yet repentant hitman in Pulp Fiction, to making our jaws fall and crash to the floor in Unbreakable, to stealing the show in a Time to Kill, and to so much more, you've earned your place...and who knows, Snakes on a Plane might just get me to change my mind.

THE GOLD, WINNER OF THE MOVIE BADASS COMPETITION: 35.5 points - Humphrey Bogart

Now some may call me impartial, but screw them, they can make their own blog.

Anyway, Bogart is truly the man, and no other actor from his era, or any era, can equal the performances he made in classics that will last the test of time: Casablanca, Maltese Falchon, the Big Sleep, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, the Caine Mutiny and many more. What sets these movies apart from other 'top 100' movies is they would never had been as good if he wasn't in it (the Harrison Ford of his time...yes, I'm looking at you again Lucas). As a matter of fact, the only real weakness he has as a badass is that he doesn't completely fit the modern perspective of what a complete badass should be. He was a product of his times, back when men were soldiers who did the fighting and women were dames who took care of the home. Not PC, of course, but that's the way it was, and of the truly manly men, Bogart was king.

As the hero or villain, if he was talking, everyone else was listening. With each role he brought fire, rage, subtlety, and perhaps the most important part of being a badass: humanity. When Bogart's on the screen, he isn't a cybernetic cop, or a maverick cop with nothing to lose, or the greatest martial artist in the world. When he's up there, he's merely a single man, with human limitations. What makes Bogart a badass is the fact that just about anyone could do the things he does in the films, if they had the courage, the grit, and the will to do it. His body is flesh and bone, but his spirit and his personality are invincible. If a dog ran up and bit him, he would be hurt just like anyone else, but let's face it, that dog would never even try it.

It'd just cower and make him coffee. ^_^

Wow! Busy time at work. Now, onto a random geeky thought, and then the topic.

RANDOM GEEKY THOUGHT:

If Lister, from Red Dwarf, was suddenly young again and attending Hogwarts, I bet he'd be a Hufflepuff. Now, I know he's the main hero, and he is brave, but he's still not that brave, isn't that smart, and has absolutely no ambition. No, he's definitely a Hufflepuff. Rimmer, on the other hand, would quite possibly be the most pathetic Slytherin in the history of Hogwarts. He's all ambition, but has absolutely no ability to follow through with it. The Cat is also a Hufflepuff, being that he doesn't exactly fit anywhere else, and like Lister, has no ambition other that being the sexiest man alive. Kryton is a Ravenclaw, although I was briefly tempted to say he was Gryffindor, as he is very brave and is willing to sacrifice himself, but in his own words, he is like that because of his programming. His most defining characteristic is his ability to use rational thought and deductive reasoning to solve mysteries and save the rest of the group. Holly would also by Hufflepuff, for obvious reasons.

Now, onto the main topic, the ULTIMATE MOVIE BADASS SHOWDOWN!

It was late at night, so I don't really have any idea how the topic of conversation started, but my sister Amber and I began discussing which actor's the greatest badass in the history of movies.

First, we had to weed out some of the potentials, using the badass test: If they were alone in the artic wilderness with only a hunting knife, could they take down a bear?

Keanu Reeves- No.

Sean Connery/Harrison Ford- Although it's tempting to bring either of these men, who have achieved feats of badassery including, but not limited to: getting that guy the hell off his plane, being a highlander, snapping a subordinates neck, cutting the rope of the bridge while standing on it, being James Bond, and shooting Greebo first, neither of these men qualify. They are just not badasses. Harrison Ford could survive in the snow wasteland, Empire style, but there's no way he could take down a bear with a knife. He'd need a gun or Luke or something. If he was truly a badass, he would have fought that swordweilding guy instead of just shooting him. He's cool, he's awesome...but he isn't a badass. Sean Connery is smooth and cool, but his James Bond was, shall we say, a little light on the action. In fact, any James Bond would need an invisible car or exploding wristwatch to go along with that knife if he's going to beat that bear. Sean Connery is only a badass on SNL celebrity Jeopardy.

John Belushi- Although I'm certain he could take down a bear, there just wasn't a large enough sample of movies to declare him a movie badass. Sure, he has Animal House, Blues Brothers, and 1941 under his belt, but he also has 'Neighbors', and in that, he was anything but a badass (in fact, he seemed half-asleep, wonder what he was on at the time).

Kevin Kostner/Any Baldwin- No, and you're stupid for asking.

Mel Gibson/Russell Crowe/Al Pacino/Robert Deniro- No, but it was mostly their own choice. They may in fact be crazy badasses, even in real life, but they all decided they were going to also be sensitive, serious actors/directors as well, and you can't have it both ways. Also, in Gibson and Crowe's case when Southpark contributes a whole episode to making fun of you, it's pretty much over (Southpark being the most badass cartoon on the network, sorry but Boondocks has to take second).

Jean Claude Van Dam/Jackie Chan- studied ballet/dancing in teen years. Automatic disqualification.

Stephen Seagal- No, but closer then you'd imagine. He never did manage to reach the same level of badass in Under Seige though (level 8.7)

Uma Thermon/John Carradine- Both get honorable mentions for Kill Bill, but both have a nasty habit of starring in some of the worst movies ever made. Still, Kill Bill 1 & 2 are solid.

Bruce Campbell- Now settle down out there. Yes, Ash is one of the greatest badasses ever, but Bruce Campbell is not Ash. Bruce Campbell has been in a lot of movies, and the Evil Dead series alone does not a badass make.

Brad Pitt/Orlando Bloom- close, but not quite. Both these men lean just a little too far into the 'pretty boy' category, and despite their best efforts in movies such as Fight Club, Snatch, and the Lord of the Rings series.

Various horror movie stars/monsters- let's face it, they fight like cowards.

Anime/Cartoon/Video Game characters- let's face it, they're not real. They're just ink and pixels (alhtough Donald Duck gets an honorable mention).

Arnold Schwartzenegger/Sylvester Stallone/Vin Diesel/John Wayne/Clint Eastwood- Technicalities mostly: Arnold's never been a badass. He's just big and strong. Stallone starred in porn. Badasses watch porn, and screw porn stars, but they don't star in porn. Why? Because it almost certainly required being naked in front of a bunch of guys, and even if they're cameramen, that's a little gay. As for Vin Diesel...whatever happened to him? John Wayne was a badass, to be sure, but he never really took many risks. He tended to play the same role over and over, and although it was a badass role...well, see Bruce Campbell above for details. Clint Eastwood would definitely be getting top honors...if it weren't for 'Paint Your Wagon'. Why Clint? Why?

So who does that leave? The final six!

Christopher Walken- Not only would that bear be killed and skinned, but he'd be thoroughly creeped out first. Christopher Walken started being a loony badass in Annie Hall, and has continued to this day. Now it's true, he's been in some questionable movies, but as Robot Chicken proved, Chris could sell breakfast sausage and sound crazy and unsettling. From being the ultimate creepy brother of a girlfriend, to holding the only picture of an orphan's dead mother over a flame, to being the Headless Horseman, and to dancing to 'Weapon of Choice' through an empty airport, Walken is the man. Yes, I said dancing disqualified you, but I'll make an exception. I don't want to be on this man's bad side.

Lucy Liu- From slicing heads off in Kill Bill, to countless Asian action movies, to Futurama, to Shanghai Noon, to being the only Angel that could actually kick ass, Lucy Liu has earned this spot. That bear is sliding neatly in half as she fashions a furry white adorable outfit to warm herself, with her smiling face peaking out...sorry, got distracted there. Onto the next!

Willem Dafoe- Everyone who just said "Who?" immediately hit yourself, and go see Boondock Saints, where he stars as the most badass gay character in movie history. He doesn't stop there of course, and also starred as the incredibly hardcore Green Goblin, and arguably one of the toughest soldiers in movie history in Platoon. Okay, so he's been in a lot of movies where he wasn't a badass at all, but he did all this AND was crucified upon a cross. Now that's tough!

Samuel L. Jackson- Recently he's become a bit of a parody of himself, but here's a man who's earned the words on his wallet. Pulp Fiction, Jurassic Park, A Time to Kill, the Incredibles (kickass movie), Shaft, Diehard 3, the only good thing in Star Wars episodes 1 through 3, and he's about to get those snakes off his motherf'ing plane. Now, you might say that he gets killed a lot in the movies he's in. Now there's a badass. He isn't afraid to get killed off in his movies. He'll walk on, be a complete badass, get riddled with bullets, and then get eaten by a shark. You have to give credit to the man who has the guts to announce, at his trial, 'Yes they deserved die, and I hope they burn in hell!'

Humphrey Bogart- It's hard to be more of a badass then Bogey, though you have to accept that Bogey was a badass in more subtle ways. Everyone remembers him as his hardened detectives, fearless soldiers and heartless villains, but just as Samuel isn't afraid to die, Bogey isn't afraid to appear weak and vulnerable. His broken, obsessive captain in the Caine Mutiny, to his honestly panicked scene in the African Queen with the Leeches, Bogey was a badass without hiding behind a fake, macho persona. He'd beat the bear. He wouldn't beat it as easily as the others did, but you'll completely believe that the fight was real. Bonus: Bogey brought another piece of realism to his parts. He has a scar on his lip, where he was punched very hard when he was younger. Before he hits anyone in a movie, he scratches that spot on his lip. So when he's scratching that spot, he's honestly getting himself psyched up to tear someone apart. Bonus 2- his wife Lauren Bacall, went on to marry Frank Sinatra (music's biggest badass ever) after Bogart's death.

Bruce Willis- Although he had a weak middle (Hudson Hawk, Bonfire of the Vanities/Countless horrible movies I won't watch including the Kid/Unbreakable) Bruce Willis won my heart with badass roles in movies such as Die Hard 1-3, Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms, 12 Monkeys, and Sin City (emphasis). Bruce Willis was the only action movie star of the 80's/90's who wasn't afraid to take a beating through the movie. When will Hollywood learn? A mortal hero who pushes himself through unspeakable pain and torment, is far more interesting then an invincible one (Less Superman, More Batman). Any doubt as to whether he should make the list was erased with his role as Hartigan in Sin City (ties with Clint Eastwood's character in Unforgiven as the most badass character over 50 years old).

Which is the greatest? Next week!

This next post is a direct result of my sister’s willing, and unprecedented descent into comic geekdom. I’ll be the first to admit that I was a comic geek when I was younger. I bought variant covers of the same comic, kept them in plastic bags with cardboard backing, stood in line for several hours to buy a copy of ‘Death of Superman’, played all the superhero roleplaying and video games, and spent way too much time looking at the spandex covered supergirls posing on the covers (I’ll even admit to having a few of the ‘swimsuit’ issues of the comics).
That all being said, even at my lowest depth, I never even came close to the level of superhero comic geekdom my sister, Amber, has now achieved. With help from her, I have created the following, to be updated and edited with her help, as we need to have definitive proof exactly which superhero comic company, DC or Marvel, is the greatest of them all. Instead of a simple fight, I’ve decided to throw some spice into the mix and present to you:

The Super Powered Blasphemy Challenge!!!

MAX: Hello sports fans! Today we’re going to finally have it out! Right Amby?
AMBER: Right Max! We've got twenty of the greatest superheroes that DC and Marvel have to offer, and we've got something special in mind.
Max: Yeah, we figured, why just have them fight, which has been done to death, when we can have them compete in the most politically incorrect manner possible!
AMBER: Why wait and see when exactly the second coming is going to happen, and which specific religious denomination is truly correct? We’ve got more than enough power within these two superteams to take over the job as supreme being as it is...or do we? Let's see the teams!

Teams

DC (TEAM CAPTAIN: WONDER WOMAN)

AMBER: Since I'm more of the DC fan, I'll introduce the gaggle of goody two-shoes. For the record, all of the DC characters are being taken from the silver age, as that was when they were the least whiny and the most kickass. The team captain, Wonder Woman, is leading the way and she's looking as powerful and striking as...Max, stop drooling over the announcer's table.
MAX: Sorry.
AMBER: Anyway, Wonder Woman is pound for pound the greatest blasphemy on the DC team, receiving all her powers and equipment directly from the Greek gods themselves, mostly from Artemis, goddess of the hunt.
MAX: Didn't she turn a guy into a deer and kill him for peeping on her?
AMBER: Yeah, and she was one of the more level headed gods. Anyway, Superman comes out second, a godless alien who has forever been the icon of rediculously overpowered heroes that don't really do much of anything. Following him is Batman, with an overloaded utility belt. I'm sure he's prepared well with blasphemy in mind, so that should be quite a wild card in the upcoming events. Accompanying him is Robin…wait, Robin? A side-kick has made it into the competition? Have they substituted him for someone else? Anyway, to clarify, as the silver age Robin, it's Dick Greyson, so technically it's Nightwing, but right now he’s still the young, spry and (despite some rumors) COMPLETELY STRAIGHT boy wonder we all know and love.
MAX: WHAT THE?!
AMBER: WHOA! The Flash just kind of appeared there folks, and if anyone can produce ‘god-like speed’ it will be him. Again, this is the silver age Flash, so I’d like to be the first to welcome him back from the dead.
FROM OFFSTAGE: SHAZAM!
AMBER: That can only mean one thing! Captain Marvel...that's right, CAPTAIN MARVEL.
MAX: Calm now.
AMBER: NOT SHAZAM...has entered the arena. Bearing his trademark red suit, yellow lightningbolt and correct name, he's ready to rumble! Springing next to him is...Plastic Man? I thought I heard the Spectre was next.
MAX: Well the Spectre technically gets his power directly from god, so there was a conflict of interests.
AMBER: Quite a shame, as the silver age Spectre is possibly the most overpowered hero of them all! He turned a villain into a candle and burned him down to nothing, as the candle screamed the entire way down.
MAX: That's pretty damn cool.
AMBER: Indeed, but I'm sure the playful plastic lunatic will be more than up for the competition.
MAX: Will Elastic Man be here too?
AMBER: He's too busy searching Silent Hill for Sue.
MAX: Ant Man?
AMBER: Nope, too busy beating his wife for burning a pie.
MAX: Shame. Oh, here come two green guys.
AMBER: Yes, here comes both the Green Lantern and the Green Arrow who are at this point just beginning their 'buddy movie' team-up phase. Hal and Queen both seem confident, and are waving happily to the crowd. This means the last member of the team is…Aquaman? I can’t believe it! Aquaman is the final member of…oh wait folks, it’s actually the Martian Manhunter! Yes, he’s shapeshifted back into his normal form and everyone’s sharing a good natured laugh at Aquaman's expense. There’s the real Aquaman watching from the sides and…yes, he’s visibly fighting back tears and running back to the locker rooms for a sulk.
MAX: Cry-baby.

MARVEL (TEAM CAPTAIN: THOR)

MAX: Since I have more experience with the Marvel comics, I'll take over for now. Starting out, flying onto the field is easily the greatest blasphemy among the competitors, Thor! He's waving his hammer and the audience is cheering and wondering if they should worship.
AMBER: He is a god...but then again, he's one of the comic kingdom's 'kinda gods, but not really god, gods'.
MAX: Yeah, I think they're safe. Next is both Spiderman and Daredevil swinging in simultaneously, and I question their choice of including both these heroes on the team.
AMBER: Because their powers are so similar?
MAX: No, Spiderman's just kind of lame. Anyway, next is...WHOA!
HULK: HULK SMASH!
MAX: DEAR GOD!
AMBER: WOW! For those listening, the Incredible Hulk has lifted Max over his head and is now twirling like a baton! I see the Marvel team has decided to go with the stupid, ultra-destructive green Hulk, instead of the super-lame grey Hulk. You okay Max?
MAX: Yeah...apparently he had trouble finding a space, and apparently I accidentally took up two spaces with mine. We worked out our differences though.
AMBER: How so?
Max: I begged him until he allowed me to move my car.
AMBER: Good job.
MAX: NEVER MIND THAT! Here comes She Hulk! WOWAWOWAZOWA!
AMBER: Hmm...she's not that powerful.
MAX: I don't know, she came back from the dead a lot faster than three days, and she's strong, tough, smart and beautiful. I'd propose right now, but I probably wouldn't survive three issues.
AMBER: Yeah, boyfriends/girlfriends of superheroes tend not to live long.
MAX: That and the wedding night would probably put me in traction. The honeymoon would certainly finish me off.
AMBER: Way too much information and the Invisible Woman is out next!
MAX: Fully visible and sporting a 50's mom haircut, the Invisible Woman is the only member of the Fantastic Four to make the team. Hmm...so far the Marvel team is looking a little underpowered compared to...WAIT! I spoke too soon! Here comes Phoenix, being led by the rest of the X-Men team, who are just here to make sure she doesn't get out of control.
AMBER: So it's Jean Grey?
MAX: Nope, this is the ultra powered and out of control psychic monster that replaced Jean Grey with a clone...or some crap like that, even I can't keep track. It looks like Iceman and Wolverine are staying next to her and joining the competition...wait, is Cyclops staying as well...no, he's being booed off by the crowd.
AMBER: Good for them. Wolverine's an odd choice for a blasphemy challenge, isn't he?
MAX: I don't know. If he can beat Lobo...
AMBER: Off panel.
MAX: ...yes, off panel, but nevertheless in less than half a page, then he's probably capable of anything. Oh and although Storm isn't competing here today, she is letting her presence be known as she taunts Wonder Woman over the last fight they had. The judges are breaking it up and Wonder Woman's teammates are holding her back. Save it for the competition folks! Iron Man is up next flying down in his officially licenced 'techno-babble suit' and is a fairly decent blasphemy in himself.
AMBER: The lame shall walk?
MAX: You got it! Last by not least, he may have to settle for third for overall inherent blasphemy in this competition, but he certainly tries harder! Here comes Dr. Strange! No power from an ancient god, Dr. Strange is a selfmade man who delved completely into the dark side to...fight evil!
AMBER: Does that work?
MAX: Marvelously! On with the competition!

EVENT #1: SPONTANEOUS CREATION OF LIGHT

AMBER: The first, and arguably the most impressive of the miracles, the teams are going to have to create light from out of thin air.
MAX: I see that the DC is wasting no time in fielding Wonder Woman...just to be clear, each member of each team can only participate in ONE event. Each event will have a winner, and the team that wins the most events wins the competition!
AMBER: Huh. Marvel is fielding the invisible woman. Unless she whips out one of her husbands inventions, I don't know how she's going to pull this one off. Okay...whe won the coin flip, and she...disappears. She just turned invisible.
MAX: Huh?
INVISIBLE WOMAN: Behold! Where my body was, is now light!
AMBER: Oh that's lame.
MAX: The judges agree, but it looks like they're going to allow it, much to the disappointment of the crowd. Well now Wonder Woman is coming up. She just needs to beat that, but unless she plans to use the glow from her magic rope, I don't see how...
AMBER: Wait, she appears to be taking out a cell phone. She's hit one of her speed dial buttons.
MAX: What's going on...OH MY GOD!
AMBER: Literally!
APOLLO: Hey, what's up?
MAX: MY GOD! It's the god! Specifically, Apollo, Greek god of the sun!
AMBER: The invisible woman is arguing that it doesn't count, but the judges disagree. I mean, if having gods on your speed dial isn't a power, then what is...oh my.
MAX: Here comes the light! Wow that's bright.
AMBER: Yes and the judges waste no time in awarding round one of the blasphemy challenge to DC! On with the lepers!

EVENT #2: Cure the Lepers

MAX: Oh now this is just gross.
AMBER: Indeed! We didn't bring any old 'just found out they had leprosy' lepers. Oh no, these are the leakiest, gooiest, stumpiest lepers that money can buy! Only the best for our champions to cure!
MAX: I'm going to hurl.
AMBER: Not on me.
MAX: I'll try...and here comes Batman! The crowd goes wild as the dark knight takes the field. I question DC's choice in using such big name heroes so soon. They're going to have none left!
AMBER: It's not as questionable as sending the Incredible Hulk in. Unless he's going to pound the leprosy out of them, I don't know how this will work.
MAX: Well we might as well keep on him. Batman is taking a sample of the leper's blood, hair, tissue...wait, it looks like he's decided to take an entire leper as a sample. He's putting the leper in a zip-lock bag and bringing him back to the Batcave.
AMBER: We'll see more from him in a moment. Ah! The Hulk is setting up equipment as Dr. Banner. I see! He's going to do a blood transfusion from himself to the leper.
MAX: Samson style?
AMBER: Exactly...yes, the transfusion is going well and...yes, they just kicked the leper in the nuts. Just to get the green going.
MAX: There he goes! The leper is gaining the strength of a thousand lepers! He's big, he's green and...he still has no limbs. He's just kind of flopping around there...with the might of a thousand men.
AMBER: It is good flopping. It's not much, but it's something, so Batman will have to...
BATMAN: I'm back.
MAX: WHOA! He Gordoned me!
AMBER: That's nice. So Batman, what's the verdict? Did you find a cure?
BATMAN: Yes.
MAX: Really?
BATMAN: Yes.
AMBER: So leprosy is now cured.
BATMAN: How many ways can I say yes? That's not all though...it turns out that leprosy was caused by none other than...THE JOKER!
MAX: Oh come on. Leprosy has been around for thousands of years.
BATMAN: It's a reverse virus, meaning that it goes backwards through time! The Joker actually made the virus for tonight...but your leper out there should know all about that!
EVERYONE: GASP!
JOKER: That's right! It's me! It's all a part of my master MAD scheme to gain the strength of the Hulk! I'd take off my mask to reveal my harlequin smile, but...I have no arms!
BATMAN: Wait, so you invented leprosy, spread leprosy backwards through time and then gave yourself leprosy, all so you could gain the power of the Hulk at this competition after losing your limbs?
JOKER: INDEED! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
BATMAN: ...You're retarded.
AMBER: And there you have it folks! As the Joker rolls in Bruce's general direction, the scoreboard lights up 2-0, DC leading!

EVENT #3: CREATE A ROCK SO LARGE THAT YOU CANNOT LIFT IT

MAX: Okay, this one isn't from the bible, but a classic God-related question. To simplify, if God is all-powerful, can he circumvent his own power? If he can, can he truly be all powerful if he...
AMBER: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
MAX: You want to get to the superheroes, don't you?
AMBER: ZZZ...And they take the field! Up first is Iceman from the Marvel team...this event shouldn't be too hard for him. Yes, he is now creating a giant ice block about the relative size of a bank...and there he goes comically pushing and pulling at it. Oh Bobby, you're such a kidder!
MAX: Wait, can't he make a crane out of ice or something?
AMBER: No, none of that Wonder Twins crap. He can create ice, but there's no way he's going to be able to move it.
MAX: God could really take lessons from this guy.
AMBER: Indeed! Now here comes the Green Lantern.
MAX: He's creating a giant green block about the size of Bobby's. Okay, but with the power of the lantern ring I don't see why he can't just...wait, what's going on down there?
AMBER: He's shrugging and waving his arms...oh come on! Hal is claiming to have lost the ring!
MAX: Oh man, that's lame!
AMBER: Well this is Hal, he was never big on ideas...and now he's trying to move the green rock and failing, but the judges are waving their arms and throwing the yellow flags...oh no!
MAX: HE JUST TOOK A YELLOW FLAG TO THE FACE! He is down and writhing! The ring has 'miraculously' reappeared on his finger, but...No! He is powerless before that yellow bastard.
AMBER: I'd like to support DC here, but this is just sad. Marvel takes the event and narrows DC's lead to 2-1!

EVENT #4: USE A LITTLE BIT OF FOOD TO FEED A LOT OF PEOPLE

MAX: Did you spot the Sin City reference?
AMBER: Unfortunately. Now we’ve dispensed with some of the older biblical themes here at these events, so instead of fish, bread and an audience being preached to, we’ve got two medium sized pizzas and an entire comic book convention.
MAX: Okay, we’ve split the convention into two groups…we seem to have some trouble. AMBER: Hey! Get away from my mike!
FANBOY: THIS IS COMPLETELY NOT CANON! THERE IS NO WAY THE GREEN LANTERN WOULD LOSE TO ICEMAN! WONDERWOMAN DOESN’T CALL GODS ON CELL PHONES! THIS IS A COMPLETE WORK OF FICTION!!!

‘FWUMP’!

MAX: Ah, Amber just hit him with the beanbag gun. Thanks Amby!
AMBER: No problem! Now that we’ve taken care of that, we go see our competitors. I see that DC is fielding Robin. I don’t know exactly how he’s going to accomplish this.
MAX: It can’t be stranger than Marvel’s choice. They’re fielding Wolverine for this.
AMBER: Wha?
MAX: Don’t ask me…so far he’s just making eyes with some of the lovely ladies in costume. Robin on the other hand is taking a more conventional approach. He’s starting by cutting the pizza up into VERY tiny pieces…did Batman have an enlargement gun or something?
AMBER: No, that’s Reed Richards crap. He appears to just be serving the miniscule pieces to each of the geeks. The judges are coming over to see what he’s doing.
ROBIN: Oh come now, these are comic book fans! Do they really look like they need to eat any more than this? I’m doing them a favor by giving them these tiny pieces!
MAX: He has a point, each of these boys easily matches their muscle and bone weight with fat.
AMBER: Yes, but there’s a few people…mostly girls in costumes, who could use a sammich or two. The judges aren’t so sure, but just look at the Boy Wonder flash that charming, confident smile. Yes, now the judges are smiling back and so we’ll have to see how Logan…DEAR GOD WHAT HAPPENED?
MAX: Ssssorry I was quiet there for a pit. I was nearly terrified into a coma. The carnage…the carnage…Anyhoo, it appears that Logan has solved this Biblical dilemma by culling the herd, if you will, and with a shnickt shnickt, has left only a handful of surviviors…the girls in fact.
AMBER: My god! There were like fifty people…and only the five girls remain…yeah, forty five guys and five girls, that sounds right for a comic convention. They seem understandably hesitant, but Logan’s turning on the charm, lighting a cigar and showing them to the pizza…yeah they’re only having a slice each…the one dressed as Rogue is only taking half a slice. What’s that?
MAX: A keg of beer. I have no clue where he got it, but the girls are having some and…yes, they’re all going back to the dressing room to celebrate Marvel’s win! Robin did it, but Wolverine did it better and the score is tied 2-2!

(to be continued...)

I HATE TINY TIM!

That is, in essence, the post, but since I've got some time to kill, allow me to elaborate.

Since as long as I can remember, I've been continually subjected to version after version of the Christmas Carol. Many is the memory of smiling as the classic tale appeared on the screen of my tv during the holidays. I have, however, equally as many memories of cringing in despair as a horrible cartoon version of the tale began, and my memory has only unclouded some of the horror and despair felt as Tiny Tim limped his way onto the screen in these versions, with a squeaky voice and smiling face in which you are contractually obligated to love. I don't remember loving him, liking him or even barely standing him. I do remember a long drawn out scream as I clawed my way deep into the Christmas tree, begging it to be over...but let's not dwell on such things. Let's dwell on the incredible, ney, epic number of versions of this tale, so you, the potential victim, can shield yourselves from the depth of the darkest pit of rasselberry dressing...

Scrooge (1970):

In my opinion, this is the overall best version of the Christmas Carol. I don't know why I always feel the need to start with the best, only to descend slowly into the dark, painful grip of 'he who shall not be named' (I can hear the clank of his crutch approaching even now...), but I might as well go with it. This version is a musical, but the songs are mostly enjoyable, and include ones that anyone with a television might find themselves humming. I won't bore you with details such as actor names, but needless to say the cast was all quite good, although Scrooge was a bit generic, it takes a little while to get started, and Tim had a horrifying 'Oliver from the Brady Bunch Quality'. The most memorable part of the movie is not the scenes, but the characters, as the version gives life to often overlooked characters such as the debtors to Scrooge, the wife of Scrooge's nephew, and Scrooge's ex-fiancee. Also, this is one of the few versions which goes to lengths to show that Scrooge honestly believes he's a good person, and that it's as much ignorance as it is greed that taints his heart. Overall the songs were very memorable, the plot and cast were good, Scrooge had great chemistry with Jacob Marley and the ghost of Xmas present, the debtors rousing chorus of 'thank you very much' is fantastic, and the scene in hell, which is usually ommitted from the television version, gives a unique glimpse as to what awaits Scrooge in the afterlife, with Jacob Marley snickering all the way. Oh, and the Scrooge redemption scene at the end is so delightfully over the top that there's no way not to love it.

Scrooge (1951)

Far more dramatic then its counterparts, this b&w British version holds just the right amount of comic relief as well. Unlike the previous entry, this version is not a musical, and includes a few of the more serious scenes which are usually ommitted from the original screenplay. Scrooge is magnificent, providing a far more realistic and tragic figure then the musical, as his suffering seems far more genuine, revealing how a man could become as dark a figure as Scrooge. That being said, this version is also a bit perplexing, as the poor and destitute Cratchett family...doesn't seem very poor and destitute. That's a fairly nice house you live in Bob. Is that a painting on the wall? Well, you've certainly done all you possibly could to save Tim. I can see how selling the Rembrant would be a step too far. Listen, I hate Tim as much as anyone, but this Tim isn't nearly as annoying as the ones that got songs. Besides the powerful performance by Scrooge, the most memorable aspects of the movie are the often deleted darker scenes of Scrooge's sister dying (complete with her dying wish that he didn't hear, and subsequently didn't follow, helping lead Scrooge onto the path of close-heartedness) and the ghost of christmas present revealing the children of man clutching his legs (from the original story, clothed in rags, the boy is ignorance, the girl is want, beware them both of all beware this boy! whoa). Like the musical, this version portrays Scrooge as ignorant, believing himself to be good, only to find out how evil he truly is. Also included is a scene of his ex-fiancee in the present (a rarity) helping people and having a fulfilled life, and a hilarious scene of Scrooge's maid the next morning, believing him to be completely insane.

Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

This is without a doubt the best Muppet movie since The Great Muppet Caper, as it was not only funny, but also thoughtful and poinant, mostly thanks to a wonderful performance by Michael Caine as Scrooge. Caine's Scrooge is delightfully dry and cold, seething with bitterness and hatred underneath. This version is also fairly accurate, except for the inherent change of making Scrooge a landlord rather than a moneylender, as kids today probably won't understand an independant moneylender. Marley is split into Marley and Marley, so they can be played by both Statler and Waldorf, and they go the extra mile to show themselves as damned. It's kind of weird to imagine Statler and Waldorf damned for all eternity...shouldn't have been mean to Fozzie all those years...huh...ANYWAY! Kermit nails the part of Bob Cratchett (love his shaking), the ghost of Christmas past is delightfully creepy, Christmas present is delightfully strange and future is admittedly generic. The scene where Scrooge's girlfriend leaves him in the past is quite touching, again thanks to Caine's performance, but for some reason the song 'the love is gone' was edited out of the theatrical release, but put into the video release. I guess they figured they'd lose their young audience's attention, which is a shame since it's quite a touching song, ending with Scrooge singing along, showing that after all those years, he still remembered the words. Robin is yet another annoying Tiny Tim, the nephew is as generic as ever, and I have mixed feelings about Gonzo constantly interrupting as narrator along with Rizzo, but the scene where Scrooge goes to the Cratchett home after his redemption is classic. Is thirteen years long enough ago to be considered classic? Anyway, Michael Caine is god. That's not a typo. I didn't mean to type good, I meant god. The fact he steps over Tiny Tim's "God Bless Us Every One" line (or GBUE1 as we call it in the business) makes him god and a half.

Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)

First of all, Mickey’s barely in this. Calling it Mickey’s Christmas Carol is to suggest that Bob Cratchett is the main character. This aside, this is a remarkably good portrayal of the Christmas Carol, and unlike the other movies, they manage it in only 25 minutes. This short running length is achieved mostly by cutting out excess scenes and dialog (Mrs. Cratchett, played by Mini, doesn’t have any lines at all), but never does the story seem sparse or hard to follow. Every scene is kept to the point, there are no songs sung by the characters, and by a small mercy from the gods, Tiny Tim barely says anything at all. Also, in some cases less is more, as the graveyard scene is one of the most powerful out of all the versions of the Christmas Carol I’ve seen. Not only do they not beat you over the head with Tiny Tim’s death, but Black Pete is, hands down, the best ghost of Christmas Future of them all. He shows his face, and laughs at Scrooge as he pushes his into the open pit to hell below ('Why it’s yours Ebanezer…the richest man in the cemetary!' All while lighting a cigar. Priceless). Difinitive? No, but to the point and enjoyable. It wouldn’t be the only version of the Christmas Carol I’d watch during the holidays, but I’d watch this one as well


Jetson's Christmas Carol (2000)

Not much here, except the fact that Astro is the sick one instead of Elroy, leading to the possibility of Astro dying (strangely believable enough to gain your attention) and of course leading to Astro delivering the GBUE1, which was quite funny.

Flintstones Christmas Carol (1994)

Crap. Oh, is that an attempt at irony Fred? Oh, are you going to learn a valuable lesson? Congratulations Fred, you managed to make a Christmas Carol slightly less lame than the one you completely ripped off...

Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol (1962)

Words fail me. The songs were godawful, and the jokes were lame (the classic Magoo having a hard time seeing actually didn't come up that much). The underworld dwellers selling their ill gotten goods song was okay I guess, but the Cratchett family song is always enough to make me make my yearly attempt to impale myself on the Christmas tree. Laugh if you like, but this Tiny Tim, singing about Rasselberry dressing, is enough to shatter even the merriest holiday soul. I would gladly duel this kid to death with crutches, and damn the consequences! This Tiny Tim is the essence of everything that's horrifying about the part, and I would have every copy destroyed if it were not for one thing! Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol is unique in that when Scrooge sees that he's died, it isn't the fear of death or damnation that causes him to turn. Instead, he sings a somber repraise of the song he sang when he was a lonely kid, "I'm all alone in the world." It isn't the fear of hell or death, but the fact that he dies alone, unloving and unloved that breaks his heart. For him, it's actually meaningless whether or not he lives or dies, or if he's going to heaven or hell. What matters to him is experiencing the most out of life, loving others and being loved himself. This is by far the most existential moment I've seen Scrooge ever have in one of these movies, as we see that although he's a bitter old man, he's still that sad lonely boy. Now that I think of it, Rasselberry dressing be damned, this is better than the Flintstones Christmas Carol (but only by a little bit).

Scrooged (1988)

Not a traditional Christmas Carol, but an effective modern day interpretation, as Bill Murray (who never fails to please) plays a heartless tv executive, hopelessly vain and caring nothing for the needs or suffering of others. As Scrooge normally obsesses over money, Murry instead obsesses over ratings and success. This is once again, like Flintstones and Magoo, an ironic parody, as the executive is producing a live version of Scrooge at the same time. The ghosts are far more bitter and abusive than normal, which adds to the movie's charm, and although it's mainly a comedy, Murray puts heart and soul into the part, showing Scrooge as a believable and human character in a simultaneously funny, edgy and creepy environment (similar to some of his other movies like Ghostbusters, Little Shop of Horrors, and What About Bob). The ending goes much further than expected, as Murray does what no other Scrooge would do, damning the consequences to bring his message of hope and redemption to millions of viewers, with Bobcat literally holding the film crew hostage. Heartwarming and fun, with more than a bit of Murray punch (have you tried staples?) make this a permanent DVD on my shelf, but it'd be a stretch to call it a literal version of the Christmas Carol. Like the Mickey version, it's a nice movie watch along with the Christmas Carol, but not a replacement. Oh, and Tiny Tim is one of the better ones, as he says almost nothing (except the dreaded GBUE1 line), and the scene where Scrooge looks in on him and the family is one of the better ones. If only he said nothing...then we'd really be getting somewhere.

What's that I hear? If you think you know so much about the Christmas Carol, why don't you make one yourself? Hmm.....

-Starts black and then fades into the words, in festive trim, "Max Freeman's Ultimate Christmas Carol".

-Scrooge starts at his television executive job, smiling at himself in the mirror and then showing the board 'his' version of the Christmas Carol commercial. Afterwards he immediately goes back to his office.

-Scrooge's nephew Donald shows up to bring him a wreath and try to get him to come to come to his house for the holidays, only to get kicked out.

-Without any dialog from Gonzo or Rizzo, Bunson Honeydew and Beaker come in to attempt to receive a donation from Scrooge, only to be kicked out. This scene continues on to Scrooge grudgingly (after delivering a great line 'be here at 8:00...but sir, it's Christmas...8:30 then') gives the staff of Kermit and the rats the day off.

-On his way home, Scrooge (1970) collects debts from the people who owe him money, including the puppeteer and the stew salesman. The songs are carefully edited out, since children can't sing worth a damn.

-To build dramatic tension, the scenes of Scrooge in his home, complete with ghosts, is taken from the 1970 musical version of Scrooge, right up until Jacob Marley shows up.

-Marley and Marley show up to torment Scrooge and sing "Marley and Marley", telling Scrooge of their plight and the three ghosts that will visit him. Again all scenes of Gonzo and Rizzo are edited out.

-The spooky ghost from the Muppet Christmas Carol appears before Scrooge.

-The explaination of how looking into the past works, from Scrooged, is used up to the point the action starts between his family members.

-We BRIEFLY see the child version of Scrooge at school sing ONE verse of the song "I'm all alone in the world".

-School finishes out seriously in black and white, and moves directly to the scene of Scrooge's sister dying.

-Fezziwig's is cut out compelely. No need to see the beginning of Scrooge's romance with his girlfriend, really.

-Scrooge talks with his girlfriend at the park as Scrooge (played by Michael Caine) looks on sadly as their love breaks apart. Right before the song, after she says you did once...

-His girlfriend throws her ring in one side of a scale and two coins in the other. She gives the 'if you measure me by gain' line to Scrooge (1970).

-NOW she sings "The Love is Gone".

-The 1970's musical version of Scrooge's Ghost of Christmas present verbally smacks Scrooge around...

-...and the Scrooged Ghost of Christmas present physically smacks him around.

-There's a brief, heavily edited stop to the nephew's house from the 1970's musical.

-There's a brief, heavily edited stop to the Mickey Cratchett home.

-Tiny Tim, much to Bill Murray's surprise, solves the puzzle without a problem, and learns of the boy's plight.

-In black and white, the Ghost of Christmas present shows Scrooge the children of man and crushes Scrooge with a vicious delivery of the 'are there no prisons are there no poorhouses' line.

-Scrooge McDuck is greeted my the mysterious Ghost of Christmas Past.

-The debtors sing 'thank you very much' for Scrooge.

-Scrooge McDuck finds himself at the graveyard, playing out the entire scene ending with him falling into hell.

-In hell, Scrooge finds Jacob Marley, is tormented beyond belief and it's HILARIOUS!

-Before breaking down completely, Scrooge realizes that the worst tragedy is dying alone, never truly experiencing love and human kindness, and sings ONE verse of "I'm all alone in the world".

-Scrooge, wakes up back in Kansas...I mean in black and white, and scares the hell out of his cleaning lady.

-Scrooge runs into Bunson Honeydew and Beaker, donates and receives a gift from Beaker.

-The redemption is right out of the 1970's musical, with only a little bit of editing, right until they get to the Cratchett home.

-Michael Caine is hilarious as he pulls Kermit's leg before revealing his new nature.

-Scrooge quickly goes back to his TV executive job and has a heavily edited (no girlfriend, brother or Tiny Tim) redemption speech. Just as girlfriend would show up...

-Scrooge runs into the debtors and finishes up completely as the musical. Just as he says Merry Christmas to everyone...

-Astro says "Grahd Ress Us Every One!"

Oh, and Tiny Tim's dead. Just heard it on the news. I wasn't there. Ask Amber, I was eating pancakes with Frank. You weren't even there. That isn't my bloody crutch. I mean that isn't his bloody crutch. I mean...GOTTA GO!

Oh and Cyborg Santa 2050, while buzzing over your house at just under the speed of sound, screeches a code in binary that translates through the proper cypher to: HAPPY HOLIDAYS ONE AND ALL!

What a week! Work was a bit hard, and I kept meaning to watch a certain movie again so that I might comment on it, but I never got around to it. So, despite that many have not yet taken the last test, I present you, with spoiler warning for those that have not taken the test yet:

ZOMBIE 105

I was surprised by the initial test results, as everyone seems to have no problem identifying, and properly dealing with, realistic zombies, they have considerably more difficulty with the magical zombies. I'm surprised as I gave enough clues for each, but here are the answers:

First, these are worth 10 points a piece:

1. Surreal zombie: Father's sword (half points for blessed spear)

The fact that it has no head and can still pinpoint you and attack should be enough to let you know that it's a surreal zombie. Weapons with personal significance are best, as mentioned, but a blessed melee weapon that can impale them in place is also an okay choice, worth half credit. Bottom line: nothing can logically survive without a head and still be a threat. (interesting mastermind theory, Frank, five extra bonus points)

2. Classic zombie: Revolver (half points for rifle)

Half eaten and shambling, you can almost hear it say 'brainssssss'. Revolver is the best choice not because it's better than the rifle, but because the rifle is better used elsewhere.

3. Historical zombie: Holy symbol (half points for blessed spear or father's sword)

This one confused some people, but as mentioned these zombies act more like zealots than zombies and are the most likely to be curable. What most of you forgot is "they should not be killed"! You could run them through with a spear, but how is your sanity going to hold up when they turn back to normal before they die? How is it going to hold up when you find out that none of their deaths were necessary? Magic is definitely the way to go, but only the holy symbol might hold them back without harming them.

4. Highly contageous zombie: Rifle (half points for grenade)

Most importantly, you must keep these zombies away. IT's obvious that the victim was not physically harmed by other zombies and turned very quickly (as he's still in his suit). Rifle is the best, as it can be reused, but the grenade also could possibly work...against a small group of them. It's highly contageous though...

5. Gothic zombie: Blessed spear (half points for holy symbol)

This is another one that confused you. They can still talk, are covered in blood and appear to have a state of manic glee. For those that didn't guess, it's a vampire. It isn't a major, powerful vampire, but one of the weaker spawn that are often created by more powerful, elder vampires, so they classify as zombies. For this one, the blessed wooden spear (or stake) would do best. Although the holy symbol might keep it away, how will your sanity hold up if it kills another innocent person in front of you? (oh and for the record, Frank, I didn't say they called your name directly, only that they called to you, but that's still a good point, so +5 bonus points)

6. Experimental weapon zombie: Grenade (half points for rifle or revolver)

Now this zombie's description could also label it as a surreal zombie, but you have to assume the zombie without a head is the surreal, which leaves experimental. These zombies are physically powerful, so you need to do a lot of damage or run as fast as you can. A careful throw of the grenade, followed by a sprint in the opposite direction is your best bet, but otherwise, you should go with powerful firearms.

Now, give yourself 5 extra bonus points if you got all the magical zombies correct (historical, surreal, gothic) and 5 bonus points if you got all the realistic zombies correct (classic, contageous, experimental).

The remaining points are gotten by your condition, after fighting all six of these zombies in order, from 1 to 6. This is where your description of how you fight them becomes important. You have three health points and three sanity points. If you lose all three health, you're dead. If you lose all three sanity, you're insane. How healthy and sane you are also affects how well you fight.

1. If you used your father's sword and cut him to pieces, or you attempted to stake him to the ground, lose no health or sanity. All other answers, lose a point of health (guns and explosives are mostly ineffective), and if you tried the holy symbol, lose a point of sanity as well, as seeing the holy symbol fail might shake your faith (surreal zombies traditionally have to be fought ourselves).

2. If you shot it in the head, lose no health. All other answers they probably got a bite in. If you used the grenade, assume it blew their legs off, but they still kept crawling, since the grenade at their feet probably didn't hurt their brain enough. They then surprise you and get a bite.

3. If you disabled it without killing it, lose no health or sanity. If you used the grenade, it smacks it back towards you with the scythe, lose a point of health (but the expolosion kills it too, and quickly enough that you don't see it die). All other answers it turns human right before dying, and screams "Why?!!!" at you. Lose a point of sanity. (5 points for Frank for inventiveness)

4. If you killed it from a far distance, lose no health or sanity. If you used a grenade without taking cover, lose a sanity, as bits of him reach near you and may or may not have infected you. If you killed it relatively up close, lose a point of sanity, as you can't be sure if you're infected or not. If you're already lost a point of health and you fought it very close (spear or sword) then you're infected, therefore dead. No additional penalty for the holy symbol or revolver, besides the sanity loss.

5. If you killed it with the spear through the heart, or banished it back to the netherworld with the holy symbol, lose no health or sanity. If you used the holy symbol to merely keep it back, lose a sanity as it muches on another innocent person. If you used any other weapon, lose a health.

6. If you used the grenade, or shot for the point of the zombie that looked the most weak, lose no health or sanity. If you're down to one sanity and use a gun, you don't aim well and take a point of damage before killing it. If you used any other weapon, or just shot anywhere (even the head, if you didn't verify that it appeared to be a weak spot) lose a health.

If you have 3 health left, you get 20 points. If you have 2 left, you get 15 points. If you have 1 left, you get 10 points. You get these points even if you're insane, as years of therapy might cure you.

If you have 3 sanity left, you get 20 points. If you have 2 left, you get 15 points. If you have 1 left, you get 10 points. You get these points even if you're dead, as you died in a state of peace.

If you only had 1 health and 1 sanity left, lose 5 points.

To show how it's scored, Frank scored:

First part:
1. 0 (+5 bonus)
2. 10
3. 5 (+5 bonus)
4. 10
5. 0 (+5 bonus)
6. 10 (+5 realistic perfect)

Second part:
1. lose 1 health and 1 sanity
2. -
3. lose 1 sanity
4. -
5. lose 1 health
6. -

1 health and 1 sanity, barely alive and barely sane: 15 points

Total score: 70 points, just made it thanks to bonus points, easily told the difference between realistic and magical zombies, but didn't deal with the magical ones appropriately. PASSED

Today's lesson....SURPRISE MIDTERM!

That's right, now it's time for the midterm. Answer the following questions with open, detailed answers, but not longer than a few sentences a piece. Let's see you what you've learned:


For argument's sake, let's say you live in a city, are currently living alone in an apartment on the second floor of the building that you just moved into, and don't know your neighbors.

1. You just saw on the news that zombies, half eaten, muttering 'brainsss...' have overrun the city, and at that very moment you lose power and water, what is the first thing you do?

2. One of the fellow people in the building is doing something very stupid, or trying to be leader when you know you could do better. What do you do?

3. There are two of each of the items listed in the previous personality test in the building. Which three to you take? What do you do if someone else wants the same thing you want?

4. Surprise! Everyone on the first floor is a zombie, and they're coming up the stairs. There is a fire escape, but they're coming up fast. What do you do?

5. You had to leave the building, as unfortunately its not secure, and one of your negihtbors did something very cowardly or selfish back there at the zombie attack. What do you do/say? What if the leader didn't do a good job? What do you do/say?

6. What if a neighbor killed another neighbor, what would you do? What if one of them was appearing to turn into a zombie?

7. Whoops! Someone just killed an innocent person by mistake. What do you do? What if they didn't seem sorry, or seem unstable?

8. You've piled into one or more cars, and need somewhere to go. The places nearby: the mall (one of your neighbors is the manager of one of the stores), the hospital (one of your neighbors is a nurse), the museum (one of your neightbors is a security guard and has the key), another apartment building where a friend of yours lives (you don't know if they're there), or the airport (one of your neighbors is a pilot). What do you do if others don't agree?

9. What the...? Wherever you went, there's three strange things there! There's a floating, chuckling being that looks exactly like the teacher you hated in the 3rd grade! There's a wailing, bleeding figure wandering randomly in your direction! There's a slug the size of a car moviing remarkably quickly towards you, blocking the exit. What do you do?!

10. The head zombie, wreathed in black flame, wearing a crown of femurs and holding a staff high, offers you a choice: kill your friends and join him, or prepare to die in the most excruciatingly painful death imaginable. What do you do? How do you fight, whatever you choose to fight?

Good luck everyone!

Class dismissed

ZOMBIE 104

Well class, I can see that I didn't get as many responses for the last test, but then again, it was just more or less for fun, so we won't use it for a grade. For those who are interested, here's the breakdown of the order you should eat them:

The most important factors to remember are: usefulness alive, and likelihood to run away on their own. I mentioned that there was food for the animals, so even though the big animals will eat more food, it's safe to assume that feeding them won't be a problem, especially since horses and cows can eat grass.

Most importantly, you should save the two animals that create food on their own for last. The chicken should definitely be the last animal you eat because it can provide an egg for you every day. The cow should be second to last, as it can provide milk, but milk isn't the same thing as food, so it has to settle for second.

The next most useful animal is the dog, as it can guard for you, and will bark when anything strange begins to approach. The next is the horse. Even if you have no idea how to ride one, it can probably fight the zombies, and definitely provide a distraction when you escape. The next is the cat, as it can see in the dark, but again, it might not warn you of an approaching attack.

That leaves the animals that aren't useful, and you should definitely start with the ones that are likely to run away.

The first you should eat is the rabbit (oh come on people, they're giant rats). The next is the monkey (contrary to what you see in movies, unless it's a gorilla, it's really not smart at all). The next you should eat is the ground hog (they can dig). Then you should go on to the ones that probably won't escape, as they'll still be there when you get to them later. You should eat the sheep, and then after that, the turtle.

So here's the final breakdown, starting with what you should eat first (remember, these animals would do the same to you if the situation were reversed):

1. Rabbit
2. Monkey
3. Groundhog
4. Sheep
5. Turtle
6. Cat
7. Horse
8. Dog
9. Cow
10. Chicken

Frank's answer isn't so good I'm afraid, because it kills useful animals early and leaves useless animals until the end. It's not completley bad though, as it leaves the chicken until near the end, but it's still only good for a 70%. I'm afraid you have no companions to prey upo,n Frank.

Today's lesson: Knowing your enemy.

One member of the class, Vincent, said that the school was a viable option for a place to hide, because zombies can't open doors. To that, I say: Are you sure? Velocirapors can open doors, why not zombies? Are you sure the zombies are really that dumb? If they can't open doors, then how'd they get in the room in the first place? Clearly, you need to identify your enemy. Here's what to look for:

1. Appearance.

Most importantly, you must be able to determine on sight if someone has become a zombie or not. Are they decaying? Are they acting very strange and making bizarre sounds? In some movies, it was actually a little difficult to differentiate a zombie and a drunk/injured person. Look for tell-tale signs that the person coming towards you is one of the members of the damned.

2. Behavior.

Do the zombies move quickly or slowly? Do they try to eat their victims alive, or do they attempt to kill them first? How intelligent are they? Can they open doors? Can they use weapons? Before you can create a full plan for dealing with/escaping from the zombies, you must know how they'll react and approach you. Knowing what your enemy is capable of, and how they will react is vital to protecting yourself from them. Also, you might be able to avoid many unnecessary fights if you can use your knowledge of their behavior to avoid them, and not make yourself a target (sometimes it's just as easy as disguising yourself as a zombie).

3. Powers.

Some zombies are little more than nearly dead people, but others are capable of surviving nearly any injury. This also includes any diseases that they might possess, but more on that in a moment. Some zombies also possess nearly magical strenght, and other bizzarre powers including regeneration, flight, mind affecting powers, shapeshifting, and even retaining memories of the person they once were. Never assume that they're just lurching beasts in need of a head shot. On that note...

4. Weaknesses.

An injury to the head is the universal method for zombie killing, but it might not be the only one, and in some situations, head shots may not be effective at all. Try to take note of any fights you've had/seen involving zombies (but don't start one just for this, it'd be a stupid way to die). Also try to find any zombies that have died/have been killed just lying around. If you're fighting them, always aim for the head no matter what, as this will keep them away, obscure their vision, break their jaw and very likely kill them. Take note, however, if any injury will do, or if it needs to be a head shot. Don't discount that they might have supernatural weaknesses, such as sunlight, fire, silver or holy objects, but don't rely solely on any of these either. They may also have a weakness by design, such as they dying if they don't eat flesh, or relying on a hive mind to control them. Remember, finding a universal weakness of the zombies is the first step to killing them all.

5. What causes people to become zombies?

Is it a disease or is it magical? Is there any way to reverse the effects when they begin to change? How quickly is the change into a zombie? Will they change gradually, or will they be perfectly fine one moment and a zombie the next? It might also be possible that no more people can become a zombie than whom all ready have. Don't panic, and try to find external sources of information, including tv, radio and the internet if possible. If they all came from a single location...well, it's your call whether to investigate or not, but gather as much information as you can, and don't abandon your fellow survivor after they're bitten. If it turns out to be a magical spell causing it, you're going to pretty bad for shooting them.

Now, with this information, we can most likely catagorize the zombies into a general type:

1. Classic

Classic zombies move slowly, don't speak except possibly in single word mumbles, attempt to eat people alive, and generally need to be killed by a head shot. Getting bitten by one of these zombies will usually result into a full transformation into the undead. Despite what some movies may show, after the initial shock, the military should have no trouble dealing with these zombies. Movies where zombies such as these destroy the world are rediculous (my god, think of what a zombie would do to a tank, or a jet fighter! How will we survive?!). For these, just find a safe place and wait for help. Essentially, treat it like any natural disaster, and don't panic.

2. Historical

The original zombies weren't actually completley dead, and were living people changed through a dark magic into a zombie slave. These zombies are more like people in a trance, and although they won't be as hard to kill, they can usually carry weapons and think a lot better than your classic zombie. Try to avoid killing, if possible, as they are the most likely type of zombie to be able to be cured, and treat them as you would crazed zealots. Again, the authorities should be able to deal with this, but if not, try to find the puppet master controlling them.

3. HIGHLY contageous zombies

Some zombies are definitely the result of a disease, and can cause you to become a zombie yourself MUCH easier than others. For these, there is virtually no hope of being cured, and becoming a zombie can result from merely getting their spit on you, or breathing near them. Avoid contact with these zombies at all cost, and this may be the rare case that travelling alone might be better than being in a group. These zombies spread their disease very quickly, and finding a safe place might be hard, so get out of there as soon as you can.

4. Surreal zombies

Popular in strange horror flicks and Silent Hill games, these zombies are not necessarily dead people, but possibly surreal manifestations of your subconscious, or even ghostly spectres, or in the worst case scenario, wang monsters (don't ask). These zombies are more similar to monsters and ghosts than traditional zombies, but they usually behave, and are fought, the same way. Be careful, as these zombies are very likely to have strange powers that you might not expect. You don't have to worry about where you attack these creatures, but they don't have any specifiic weakness as well, just keep shooting/hitting them, but weapons/items that have personal significance may be more powerful than normal, as often these demons are meant specifically for you. They most likely won't have a disease, but their nature may take a very large toll on your sanity. Try to keep calm and sane, and like always, don't fight them unless you have to, but unlike the others, you are likely to get no help from the authorities, so be prepared to see this one through to the end...possibly on your own.

5. Government/Corporate weapon project

A governemnt/corporation has developed the ultimate biological weapon. The only difference between this zombie and the others is that the zombies created by biological weapons tend to keep mutating, into larger and more dangerous 'boss' monsters. Expect these zombies to keep changing, and become different and more dangerous creatures for you to face. This is another zombie that is often reversible with an antidote, as the group that created this would have been careful to have one in case they were accidentally infected. In this case, the governemnt may not be able to handle things, and may destroy an entire city in an attempt to stop it, so you have to focus on getting out of there. Don't feel pressed to fight, as the real monsters are hundreds of miles away, reaping profits from the disaster, but if you have to, try to use bigger, more powerful weapons, including explosives.

6. Gothic zombies

Again, these zombies may have aspects of any of the other types, but the main difference is that their weaknesses tend to be more severe and supernatural. Silver, holy objects, running water and fire tend to kill them dead when absolutely nothing else works. They tend to be stronger than normal zombies, but on the other hand, their weaknesses are more pronounced. In certain cases, vampires can be considered zombies for these purposes. Find their weakness and attempt to destroy them with it, as the government's attempts at using guns against them will most likely fail.

Now, for this test, I've decided to shake things up a bit, and see if you can properly identify what type of zombie you're dealing with, and deal with them appropriately, with the correct weapon:

Weapons:

You can only use each of these weapons once:

Holy symbol
Your father's sword
A blessed wooden spear
Rifle
Grenade
Revolver

Enemies:

1. A headless zombie, moving directly towards you.

2. A half eaten zombie, moaning, with his arms outstretched towards you.

3. A cloaked zombie, muttering a single word over and over, holding a scythe.

4. A clean, woundless zombie in a business suit.

5. A smiling, bloody zombie, calling to you, and laughing at you.

6. A zombie that's moving quickly, and whose flesh is throbbing in an unnatural way.

Now, these descriptions might fit more than one type (almost anything will fit surreal), but we're looking for the best type for each, also considering that each has to be used once.

Also, give your reasoning why each weapon would work well for that type of zombie, and how you would use it against them.

Class dismissed.