So, with an extra week off to think and concentrate, I present you something I wrote several weeks ago. Now, I have a completely valid excuse, but I'm far too lazy to present it.

Now...the muppets.

The muppets was a really messed up show. It was a fantastic show, but look at how many characters are getting eaten, blown up, and dismembered, all to the beat of classic showtunes. Wild.

There was an R-rated movie made with muppets by Peter Jackson called "Meet the Feebles", which has sex and incredible violence. Now, the sex is of course new, but I honestly don't think the R-rated movie is any more violent than the original show! Death and horror were standard fare with the Muppets, and I absolutely love them for it. I do, however, have a few quesitons...

What are the rules with Muppets and clothes? Kermit sometimes wear's clothes, but then he goes naked on a whim. Wouldn't it be interesting if life was like that ("Nothing to wear, oh heck, I'll just go nude today."). Human-like Muppets always wear clothes, and pigs almost always wear clothes. I guess that if you're a mammal, and don't have fur, you have to wear clothes, but I'm just guessing.

On Sesame street, does Big Bird live (more or less) outside in that nest all year? There is a holiday episode where he nearly freezes out in the cold. Isn't he out in the cold anyway? Does he crash at Snuffy's house? Isn't anyone else concerned that the giant 500-1000 pound creature's nickname is 'Snuffy'?

Do muppets have teeth? I know some of the larger monsters have some, and so does the count, but what about the rest?

Where does Oscar use the restroom? Come to think of it, where does Big Bird and Snuffy use the restroom?! They'd need amazing accomodations! Some to think of it, where's the restroom backstage? Is it against the wall we never see, or downstairs in the cafeteria? Legally, if they provide food, they have to have a restroom.

Is the count really a count? Is he rich (he does live in a castle)? Is he married to any of those women who live with him? It's been over seven years, so unless they're related, I think some commonlaw marriage laws may take effect.

Is kermit really a reporter? Is that his main job, and he manages the theatre in his free time, or vice versa? He lives an amazingly busy life, no wonder he doesn't have time for Piggy.

Will Kermit and Piggy have to eventually adopt? They have kids in the Christmas Carol, and half of them are frogs, half of them are pigs. Do muppets work like that? Are they free to interbreed (half chance it will be the race of either parent) or do they have to match species? Does close count? They keep hitting on the human guest stars, so does that work too?

There are references that suggest that some of the Muppets are not getting paid (makes sense if they don't charge admission, must be running on a grant and food sales), so do they all have side jobs? Kermit is a reporter, and Scooter gets paid, and they'd have to pay the musicians, but what about the others? Do Fozzie and Piggy have side jobs?

What's the deal of the Swedish Chef? Who the heck cooks in a vaudeville show? He's a muppet, but he has human hands. Is he half human? Even Statler and Waldorf don't have human hands, so what does that make them?

What's on the fourth wall backstage, that we never see because the camera never turns around?

How did Kermit book Bob Hope, John Cleese and Alice Cooper? He is AMAZINGLY well connected.

What's that thing around Kermit's neck? Is it a collar, or part of him? Other frogs on the show don't have it, not even his nephew, Robin.

Why is Piggy allowed to beat on anyone she pleases? I understand that she's a Diva, but you'd think attacking a guest would make the papers.

Can the chickens talk? Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Camilla never talks, but Gonzo understands her. Does she have a speeck impediment? Is she speaking chicken? If so, why doesn't Gonzo speak chicken back? Why doesn't she learn English?

How do you get funding from the letters Q, H and the number 4?

What are the racial traits of a Muppet within D&D rules? I think it's this:

Small muppets:

+2 Con, +2 Cha, -2 Str, -2 Wis
Small size
+2 to jump/perform/move silently/escape artist checks
Immune to bleeding and death by massive damage
Can remove and reattach lost body parts as they like
Muppets take no damage from being swallowed, and can exist there indefinitely.
Muppets cannot wear armor that isn't tailored specifically for them.
All muppets are left handed.
Favored class: bard

Medium sized muppets:

+2 Con, +2 Cha, -2 Wis, -2 Dex
Immune to bleeding/death by massive damage
Can remove and reattach body parts as they like
Thet get a d6 bite (or beak or horn if they like) attack as a secondary attack

After biting a creature at least one size level smaller than them, can attempt to swallow whole with a grapple check. Other muppets are an additional -4 to resist this grapple. Inside, opponents take d4 from muscle contraction and d4 acid damage a round. 15 slashing damage from a light weapon will allow an opponent to escape, as will an escape artist check DC:20. If they want, any muppet can exchange this ability for a d8 natural attack instead.

Muppets cannot wear armor that isn't tailored specifically for them.
All muppets are left handed.
Favored class: Bard

Why doesn't Beaker get a better job?

Do they really have the right to chain up Animal like they do?

What's the band conductor supposed to be? He kind of reminds me of a fish.

Why does Jim Henson get all the credit, when Frank Oz did more characters and was funnier?

Perhaps we'll never know...





(I can't belive I wrote this)