ZOMBIE 103

My apologies for the lateness class, but I accidentally lost the answers for last weeks test. It took a bit longer, but I did manage to get the answers to the personality test. Now, some of you may get the result asshole/lunatic, but don't get yourself worked up too much. Getting that result doesn't mean you're an asshole. It means you're an asshole OR a lunatic, so cheer up.

Also, you may only be that way when the disaster of a zombie attack occurs. You never know until it happens.

Now, for every answer, you get a point for one or more particular personality types, which will be either: panicked, asshole/lunatic (we'll refer to this as jerk just to be simple), defenseless, survivor, mad prophet, professional, withdrawn or bleeding heart.

In short, at the end the personality type that has the most points is your primary one, then the next is secondary and anything after that are just small aspects of your personality (although you can probably just ignore personality types that only got one point). One last thing: you cannot be both a survivor and a professional. You can believe you are (for question 4), but you either go by the book, or write your own book, you can't do both. We'll go over this a bit more at the end.

Question 1:

If you do nothing, or wait to see what happens: withdrawn, defenseless and panicked (either you're scared or you don't care).

If you take them aside to talk it over with them in private: mad prophet and bleeding heart (either you care about their privacy or you're a little crazy).

If you talk openly about it in front of the group: survivor and professional. (the most logical and wise thing to do)

Shoot them without hesitation: jerk (huh).

Question 2:

If you do nothing, or give a general wishy washy answer like, 'see what happens' or 'see what everyone else thinks': withdrawn, defenseless, panicked.

If you talk calmly about it with the group: professional and bleeding heart.

If you argue about it with the jerk, but don't attempt to replace them: mad prophet

If you argue about it with the jerk, and attempt to replace them: survivor, jerk

Question 3:

Most people are going to choose the cell phone and memento for two of their three items. It's unusual if they didn't, so for these two gain points as follows:

If you didn't choose the cell phone: mad prophet and withdrawn (you must be crazy)
If they didn't choose the memento: survivor and professional (you must be smart)

For the rest, gain the points for each item you chose:

Shotgun: Asshole (a second gun? do you really plan to kill them all?)

Extra Ammo: Survivor, Asshole, Professional (more sense than a second gun)

Keys: Panicked, Asshole (you had them when it all started, and they're YOURS)

First Aid Kit: Professional, Bleeding Heart, Defenseless (useful, but not as much as you might think).

Blanket: Defenseless, Survivor (keeps you dry and warm, and can be torn for bandages, which probably makes it a better choice than a first aid kit).

Food: Survivor, Withdrawn (something to munch on...and keep you alive. You can survive without bullets, but not without food).

Canteen: Professional, Bleeding Heart (Good to hold water, and a popular choice of caregivers and professionals, but do you know what else holds water? A soda bottle. Don't you think you'll run into at least one of these in your travels if you really need one?)

Lighter: Mad Prophet, Jerk, Panicked, Survivor (it might just be your favorite lighter, or perhaps you realize that fire might be usefull)

Mirror: Mad Prophet, Withdrawn, Panicked (grooming, are we?)

Flashlight: Defenseless, Survivor, Professional, Bleeding Heart (You probably shouldn't travel at night at all, but it's good to have...and popular among people who aren't planning to hold a gun, as anyone who plays Doom 3 knows, you can't hold a flashlight and fire a gun at the same time)

Grenade: Mad Prophet, Jerk (yeah, you'll show em)

Holy Symbol: Mad Prophet, Panicked, Defenseless, Bleeding Heart

Riot Shield: Defenseless, Bleeding Heart, Panicked (if they're that close....)

Knife: Professional, Jerk, Panicked (could be useful, but sharp edges aren't that hard to find)

Pepperspray: Bleeding heart, Panicked, Professional (mmmmight be useful...possibly...but more popular among people who won't kill, or had it with them anyway)

Deck of Cards: Withdrawn, Mad Prophet (again, you must be crazy...)

Whiskey: Withdrawn, Defenseless, Jerk (this is not the time to get drunk, unless you're not planning to make it out anyway. Oh, and no it's not really good for disinfecting, it's not alcoholic enough).

Lockpicks: Professional, Withdrawn (Why? Are you really going to need to pick that many locks? Bust a window open, it's the apocalypse for god's sake. Only overpracticed professionals and people who play too many video games would not consider kicking the door down an option)

Question 4:

Get one point for each answer, both first and secondary choice. If they chose:

Panicked: then you're a jerk. Jerk's don't want to take responsibility for what they do, and it's easy to just say they panicked and it isn't their fault.

Jerk: then you're a bleeding heart. Only bleeding heart's think that they're bad.

Survivor: then you're a survivor. (Half of it's mentality)

Professional: then you're a professional. (Ditto)

Defenseless: then you're a defenseless. (Unfortunately, ditto)

Mad Prophet: then you're a withdrawn. (See next answer)

Withdrawn: then you're a mad propet. (It was once said that the ancient philosopher Socrates was the wisest man of his time, and he knew it was true, because he knew that he was a fool. Ironically, withdrawn people tend to think that they're philosophers and the mad prophets tend to think that they themselves are reclusive fools).

Bleeding Heart: then you're a panicked. (The average person thinks that they're generally a good person overall, and the average person also panicks like a frightened child).

Question 5:

No fair trying to give more than one answer. Choose what you PRIMARILY do, and gain a point in each:

If you fight to the bitter end: Professional, Survivor, Jerk, Mad Prophet (for the group, glory or just to take those bastards down with you!)

If you sacfice yourself for the group: Bleeding Heart, Professional, Mad Prophet, Withdrawn (for the moody, martyr set)

If you give a wishy washy answer that doesn't really answer the question: withdrawn, panicked, defenseless

If you run towards the group for help: Jerk, Panicked (thanks, thanks a lot)

If you run away from the group: Panicked, Survivor, Bleeding Heart (Good luck!)

If you call for help: Defenseless, Jerk, Panicked (again, thanks for drawing attention to us)

Time to tally up your score! Here's mine, for exampe:

Q1: I'd talk about it openly: Survivor, Professional
Q2: I'd talk about it calmly with the group: Professional, Bleeding Heart
Q3: Cell Phone, Flashlight, Food: Survivor (twice), Withdrawn, Defenseless, Professional, Bleeding Heart
Q4: Survivor first, Bleeding Heart second: survivor, panicked
Q5: Sacrifice myself (though I'm ashamed to admit it, it feels so whiny, but there you go): Bleeding Heart, Professional, Mad Prophet, Withdrawn

Final Score:

Survivor: 4
Professional: 4
Bleeding Heart: 3
Withdrawn: 2
Defenseless: 1
Panicked: 1
Mad Prophet: 1

Drop the one's, and judge which is more appropriate, survivor or professional. I'd say withdrawn is the trait of a survivor, so I'll lean that way. That leaves us:

Survivor: 4
Bleeding Heart: 3
Withdrawn: 2

I'm primarily a survivor, and a bleeding heart second, but I can be withdrawn every now and then. I'm essentially the sidekick. I'm a survivor with a good heart, but I don't talk as much as the main character.

Try to keep it to only three main personality types as your result, otherwise it gets confusing. Don't fret if you're primarily one thing and have a lot of little things as well, just consider yourself the primary personality type. Have more than three personality types and they're close to eachother in score? Drop the results of question 4. Still? Question 2 as well. STILL?! Question 1 on top of that. STILL?!!! Then you're panicked. You just don't have a solid plan at all.

Whew! Again, quite a bit. So, today's lesson will be a short one on pets.

Your pets and the zombie apocalypse.

Your pets are not going to survive.

Sorry.

Don't be foolish and try to run out after them if they run out into the zombie filled city, as you'll just die too.

I know, you love your pet, but remember:

Pets are loud.

Pets need food.

Pets are unpredictable.

Pets can turn into zombies as well.

Pets don't know to run from a zombie.

Pets take up space.

Pets panic more easily then people.

Pets don't have complicated emotions.

Pets are stupid.

Give these traits to a person, and ask yourself: would you travel with a person like that? Do the pooch a favor and drop them off in the woods somewhere. They'll have a much better chance of living than you will.

Now, some pets have practical uses. Some don't. Here's some examples:

Pet Birds: No practical use. Let them fly off, they'll most likely make it.

Pet rodents, including gerbils, hamsters and rabbits: No practical use. Ditch.

Cats: Not dangerous enough for defense and they need meat. Only real use is their ability to see well in the dark, but they aren't guard dogs. They might just slink off rather than give warning. Leave in the woods somewhere, they'd do the same or worse to you if the situation was reversed.

Dogs: Almost useful enough to have with, but these aren't terminators you're fighting. A person can warn you of attacks just as well, and they'll know when to be quiet, can use a gun, and won't eat that much more food. Unless you're blind, leave this one in the woods.

Horse: If you're serious about using a horse, and know how to shoe, feed and care for a horse, then it might be a decent alternative to a car. Cars, however, can't be eaten by zombies. Horses, however, can eat grass, and gas stations may not work after the apocalypse. Cars, however, can carry more than one person. Horses, however, can go where cars can't. Overall, if you're going to ride it, and can use it well, this might be the one animal worth taking, but even so it isn't really a pet, it's a useful tool.

Anything else: No.

Now, just to annoy pet people, here's today's test:

Okay, it's been a long zombie invasion, retreating from location to location, and you're running out of food. You've finally managed to barracade yourself in a petting zoo. Now, the animals have mostly run off, but there's still:

A sheep.

A dog.

A cat.

A rabbit.

A horse.

A monkey.

A cow.

A woodchuck.

A giant turtle.

A chicken.

There's feed that the animals can eat, but you can't. In a perfect world, you wouldn't have to eat the animals, but since it's an emergency, which order would you eat them?

Class dismissed. Next class: knowing your enemy.