ZOMBIE 101


Good morning class! Now, it has come to my attention that student's today, although proficient in math skills and improving in language/reading skills (ever since L33T started to die out), are still shockingly poor at basic zombie survival skills. Despite many new technical manuals available on the market, movies and games (both video and RPG) keep showing that your average student is little more than monster chow when faced with the unholy legions of the damned.

Subsequently, I am going to start using big words like subsequently, and work toward educating the average person on how to survive an apocalyptic zombie infestation scenario. For the first lesson, we're going to focus on immediate survival, as we all know that most of the casualties deriving from any zombie attack happen immediately, as most people are too shocked and panicked to adequately defend themselves. Let's break down the steps of zombie survival as follows:

STEP 1

Identify if a zombie attack is actually occurring. There's a tricky period at the beginning of any zombie attack where it isn't certain whether zombies are actually attacking, or if it's just a drunk/junkie/lunatic. For safety's sake, always assume that they're a zombie. Due to legal restrictions, it is not advised to kill everyone who appears to be a zombie, but don't keep that from proceeding to the next steps, and saving actual violence for when you're sure they're a zombie. Remember, a drunk/junkie/lunatic is still dangerous, and should often be treated like a zombie for all intensive purposes.

STEP 2

DON'T PANIC! Don't scream (as this attracts nearby zombies), don't run in a random direction (zombies can be quite quiet and around any corner), don't abandon your friends/family (you'll never forgive yourself and you'll need their help anyway) and don't drop anything useful. Also, admit to yourself, and others, that zombies are attacking. Do not try to deny in or laugh it off, as underestimating zombies is the quickest way to becoming one yourself. Once you're collected and in control of the situation, you can react appropriately.

STEP 3

GET A WEAPON. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just something to tide you over until you're safe. Take a moment and look around your present location. Are you prepared for a zombie attack? What weapons are handy? Currently, for example, where I'm sitting, I can see a sledgehammer, and although it's wooden hafted, it's the best weapon nearby. Always pick guns first (no matter how cool the sword looks) and make sure they're loaded. Even if you've never used them before, if one is available, take it. Failing that, look for large blunt weapons. Long handles will allow you to attack the zombies from far away. Sharp weapons are good if they're large and are capable of cutting the zombie's head off, or thrusting through their head. Power tools are risky, pepperspray is useless, tasers may or may not work, katanas break, medieval swords on display are never very sharp (although maces work great), and chainsaws easily stall if they cut into anything except wood. Don't swing wildly, and focus on keeping the zombie away or knocking them down. They can always be easily finished off while on the ground. If need-be, improvise. The chair you're sitting on will work in a pinch. Can you lift the lawnmower? You're armed. Don't intentionally run them over with your car, as it can easily break your vehicle. Overall, the best weapon is a gun (as long as you have ammo), the next being a machete (large, sharp and deadly in even a weak person's hands), the next being a blunt weapon that isn't going to break (like a metal baseball bat), and lastly a weapon that can be useful as a tool as well (like a crowbar). Anything else might be useful as a backup weapon, but shouldn't be relied on heavily.

STEP 4

Get yourself to a safe location in the safest manner possible. If you're already in a relatively safe location, then brace the doors as well as possible. It isn't a permanent solution, but it'll buy you time to prepare yourself and for help to come. If there's a killer zombie in the room with you, determine if you can leave the room. Most zombies are slow, and not too difficult to outrun. NEVER FIGHT A ZOMBIE UNLESS YOU HAVE TO. The safest places are ones where you can easily exit, but zombies cannot easily enter. Examples include: moving vehicles, rooftops, attics, and locked buildings with multiple exits (and out of reach windows). Easily accessible places with lots of windows are always a BAD IDEA! These places include locations that may seem secure: churches, hospitals, locked stores and police stations. Rember, even if you're locked securely in, you never know when a smart zombie leader/necromancer will show up. You've got to be able to keep running if necessary!

Step 5

Gather anything useful. Ammo, first aid kits, food, drinks, extra gasoline, backpacks, tools, cell phones, radios, keys, items that look like they might be part of a puzzle and anything that will help you keep alive. Always, however, keep your hands free. Don't loot, as it'll only waste time, and encumber yourself. Try to find extra layers of clothing, practical shoes and always wear gloves of some kind. Armor is far too encumbering (especially the medieval kind), and modern armor is mainly mean to prevent bullets, not swarming zombies. Motorcycle helments may prove useful, but they restrict vision, and if they're close enough to bite you're head, you're probably dead anyway. The best armor against zombies is distance.

Step 6

Make longterm plans. Being temporarily safe is never a reason to stop planning. Plan for worst case scenarios. Try to gather as much information about the zombies. Is it a disease? Is it curable (don't shoot the guy who was bitten just yet)? Is it supernatural? Is it happening everywhere, or just your town? Turn on the TV, radio and go on the internet if you can. Agree on an appropriate longterm plan, but don't try to be heroes. Despite what you see in movies, have faith in the authorities to handle the situation. It is very unlikely that they will nuke the city. They are far more likely to barracade it and slowly send in rescue teams. Save as many other people as possible, and stick together. Running off on your own is always a bad idea (at the very least drive a car [be sure to check the back seat]). Do what you need to do and never give up fighting. Despair is your worst enemy. On second thought, zombies are your worst enemy, but despair comes in a very close second. In short, make long term goals and achieve them, and above all SURVIVE.

Step 7

Never go anywhere alone, not even to use the bathroom. Consider just peeing in the corner (ask permission from your companions, as it is not the time to get into a large argument).


Now then, there's the basics. Now, I know this is your first day of class, but let's have a quick quiz to see what you've learned.


Question 1: Your companion appears to be turning into a zombie. What do you do?


Question 2: Which is the best place to hide out in during a zombie attack: a bar/ a mansion/ a school/ or a top floor apartment?


Question 3: What is the best weapon: a rifle/ an uzi/ a shotgun/ a grenade?


Question 4: True or False: zombies fear fire.


Question 5: If you met these people during a zombie attack, who should you travel with: a police officer/ a nurse/ a brainless high school drop out/ a politician?


Answers will be posted next week.

Class dismissed.