ZOMBIE 102

Welcome back everyone. Now, the test results are good, but could have been better. Your classmate Amber scored a 90%. Frank scored 70%, but probably would have done better if he wasn't trying to be funny. Question number 5 was a particular sticking point, and that was something directly covered, as opposed to some of the other quesitons which were indirectly covered, or a test of common sense, like quesiton 4.

In short, the answers were as follows:

Question 1: Make sure you are safe and then talk it out, making sure he/she is actually turning into a zombie. Remember, you might be the person who's cracking and can't tell who is really a zombie or not. Shooting first whenever you think you see a zombie is a surefire way to getting innocent people killed. Half credit to those who attempted to talk/think things out first, but wound up shooting them without properly investigating first.

Question 2: The apartment. You've got just about everything you need to survive several days, you're well fortified, you have access to tv/radio/phone, and you have an escape route (the window, as there should be a fire escape, if for some reason there isn't you can still tie blankets together, or possibly reach another apartment window). Half credit for the mansion, as there are multiple escape points, plenty of supplies and ways to fortify yourself in. There's also, however, many ways for the zombies to get in and many places they could be hiding without you knowing. The school is no good, because due to fire safety regulations, classroom doors swing out instead of in, making it impossible to brace any door shut, as the zombies can just pull them open. The bar is no good because there's usually too many windows, and even if there aren't any windows, there'll be no useful supplies (sorry Shawn).

Question 3: The rifle. It has the most ammunition, is the easiest to use, can knock a zombie down even if it doesn't kill them, good at long range, and 5 bonus points to Frank for bringing up a point I didn't think of: they're also the easiest to maintain. Half credit for the shotgun. Yes, I know, shotguns are the traditional weapons against zombies, but they don't hold much ammuniton, can easily accidentally hit someone standing near the zombie you're shooting, and aren't as good in close range as you think. SAWED-OFF shotguns can hit three zombies in one shot that are near you, but regular shotguns are really meant for long range, like a rifle. The grenade is probably more useful then you think, but you don't know how to use one. Even if you do, there's too many innocents around, and you need a weapon you can reuse. Unlike a gun, if you misfire with a grenade, you not only miss, but you're dead as well. Uzis do an incredible amount of damage in a very short amount of time. Note the SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME. Have 3 clips? Congratulations, you have 5 seconds of ammo.

Question 4: False, zombies fear nothing. Even if they are weak against it, they don't fear it, and it will probably only attract them towards you (another 5 bonus points for Frank). Half credit for saying that it depends on the type of zombie. I've never heard of zombies being afraid of anything, except perhaps a holy symbol, so it's logical to assume that they aren't afraid of fire, no matter what type of zombie they are.

Question 5: All of them. That's right, if you meet all of them during a zombie attack, then you should travel with all of them, there's no reason to only travel with one. I will also accept everyone except the politician, as some of you probably don't trust him, but there's no reason not to travel with all of the other three, but let's face it, the cop is taking the politician with, so it's most likely all or nothing. Half credit for saying the nurse. As a nurse, she's probably had the most experience dealing with disaster, emergencies, and death firsthand. She'll also be useful for treating injuries and judging whether people are turning into zombies. The police officer probably doesn't have as much experience with disaster as you think, and although he knows how to fight, and has a gun, he'll probably want to side track the group and go to police headquarters, or even try to arrest some of the zombies. There's nothing against the slacker, but there's nothing really for him either. The politician is the most likely to have an escape plan, and also the most likely to have people coming to try to save him. Having him around can help you get out, and don't think he'll betray you just because he's a politician. Anyone can betray you in that situation.

Well, there you have it. How'd you score? For the rest of today's class, let's review personalities, to help you recognize appropriate and inappropriate post-apocalyptic behavior in both yourself and others.


Personality #1: The panicked civilian

By far the most likely personality you will meet during the beginning of a zombie attack, and also the least likely to survive. These people can be anyone, including people you think would keep their heads together, including cops, nurses, highschool dropouts, politicians, and even your own family memebers. They aren't really a danger to anyone except themselves, unless they open a fortified entrance in an attempt to escape. Remember, these people are good people whose minds just can't handle the stress of a zombie invasion. They are to be protected and looked after, but not at the complete expense of the group. If one runs off into the zombie filled streets, it's probably best to just shut the door. If you must attempt to rescue them, and the group is well fortified, go by yourself. They will almost always choose flight rather than fight and may possibly curl up into a ball rather than fire a weapon, but remember that they may be triggerhappy, so only give them a gun if absolutely necessary. On average, about half of all people caught in a zombie attack will fall into this category.

Personality #2: The asshole/lunatic

These people are far more dangerous then the panicked civilian, as they will intentionally put their own safety above the well being of the group, either directly or indirectly. They will abandon the group when it seems best, possibly try to kill members in the group if they think it will help themselves, and will always ALWAYS want to be in charge. These people are as large a menace as the zombies, but should not be abandoned. After all, some people seem bad at first, but can be reasoned with if you stop to talk with them. Also, you'll possibly face repercussions from the group/law if you just leave them to die. If possible don't let them have a gun, and remember that even complete assholes/lunatics can be useful in the right situaion, as long as they're not a danger to the rest of the group. Use your own judgement of course, but always consider that if someone is taking charge, and nothing they say makes sense to you, and you know things would be better if everyone listened to you instead...then perhaps you're the asshole, not them. Assholes consist of about a quarter of the population (that may seem high, but a lot of people won't act this way until disaster strikes). The best way to deal with a troublesome asshole/lunatic is to hit them. Most assholes/lunatics are cowards, and if you stand up to them, they probably will stand down (note, it may be dangerous to allow them to have a gun after that, but it's probably dangerous to let them have a gun anyway).

The remaining quarter or people consist of the remaining personalities:

Personality #3: The survivor

This is probably the personality you want to be, or at least be with. This person knows not only how to survive through a zombie attack, but just about any other dangerous situation as well. Not only do they have training that will help them see this through, but almost all official training emphasizes the need to protect others as well. They will most likely be practical, disciplined and vigilant. They will also most likely have training in the use of weapons. The downiside of being/being with these personalities is that they might be slightly mentally unsound, as most reasonable people don't train as hard, or prepare as much as the survivors. Of course, most reasonable people don't survive through zombie attacks either, as most of them crack when their reasonable world falls apart. Also, the survivor may put his own safety above others, but in any case, you want them in the group. If you are a survivor, good. If not, try to have one along. (this is the only personality which should be allowed to use dangerous weapons such as molatov cocktails and grenades).

Personality #4: The Mad Prophet/Psychic

Laugh all you want, people with divine, magical and psychic powers always seem to pop up when zombies attack, especially if the zombies are supernatural in origin. Do not dismiss them, but remember, even if they have unnatural powers, they're probably still unstable, and should be treated as such. Don't let them hold too much sway over the group, but let them do their thing. Even if they're just looney, it probably won't hurt anything. These people are likely to be pushed around by the asshole/lunatic personality, but try not to take sides, just break it up and keep the peace. Remember, a Prophet/Psychic is just a lunatic/asshole who happens to be right.

Personality #5: Defenseless

This isn't so much a personality as a condition, but it may be a result of a personality. These people, due to physical innability, pregnancy, mental disablity, mental instability, advanced age, extremely young age or injury, are completely unable to protect themselves. They can't fight, run or physically help in any productive way. Some of the group (a rare case when the asshole and the survivor may agree) will want to leave them behind, but you will never forgive yourself unless you exercise every other option first. Attempt to bring them along as best as you can, carrying them if necessary. If they are a danger to the group either indirectly ('they're slowing us down') or directly ('they're turning into a zombie') you must consider the welfare of the group, but this should be decided by the group or the group's best survivor, not the assholes/lunatics. Always take the own defenseless person's opinion into consideration, never abandon children/pregnant women/family unless they're changing into zombies, and consider this: if you have to sacrifice defenseless people to live, is that really living at all? Will you be able to live with yourself afterwards? All of these suggestions, of course, go out the window if they're definitely turning into, or already are, a zombie. Above all, keep the welfare of the group in mind, and never abandon/sacrifice anyone unless it's absolutely necessary.

Personality #6: The professional

The professional will most likely be a police officer, or some other governing official, and they will want to follow a set procedure, and go to designated areas. This can be both good and bad, as the professional will most likely be reasonable, well trained, and have access to guns, but unlike the survivor, they will never take into account that there is no set official procedure for zombie attacks. They are also the least likely to accept the supernatural elements, and will almost always ignore precognition/visions. This, again, is good and bad, as they will not be swayed by lunatics, but they also won't take potential magical elements into consideraiton. Remember, zombies are attacking, and since that is supposed to be impossible, there is definitely much that the professional does not understand about the situation. You will almost always have to allow the professional to take charge, and this may cause clashes with the survivor, but the professional will most likely have the most insight into how to best protect the group and escape. Also, asshole/lunatics are less likely to argue with a professional than with anyone else. As mentioned before, the biggest threat of travelling with a professional is having them sidetrack the group, either by going somewhere that isn't actually safe or by directly confronting the zombies unnecessarily. Remember, never fight a zombie unless it's necessary!

Personality #7: Bleeding Hearts

It's harder to live with a saint then to be one, or so the old saying goes. A good hearted person can be a great asset to the group, but it's important to not let them lead. Bleeding hearts will never sacrifice or abandon anyone, even if it's to save the group. Anyone can be a good person, the difference between them and a bleeding heart is that the bleeding heart is not reasonable about it. They will run out into a crowd of zombies to attempt to save someone who's already dead. They hesitate to kill zombies, even though they're already dead. They will never abandon a defenseless, even if they're turning into a zombie. They act as a good moral compass for the group, and will make the ultimate sacrifice (so you won't have to ^_^). Never abandon them, but don't let them lead either.

Personality #8: The Withdrawn

Some people, when faced with danger just sink back into their own little world, and don't take things too seriously. The difference between them, and a defenseless/lunatic, is that the withdrawn can actually be usefull. They are not likely to panic and will most likely go along with the opinions of the rest of the group. They won't take charge, but they don't need to take charge. They're an overall good backup person to a survivor, and probably won't endanger the group. Their withdrawn nature may make them susceptible to surprise zombie attacks, but even in that case they're more of a danger to themselves than others. Always have them around, as they're fairly useful and good for calming down the panicked.


Whew! That was quite a bit of information! Where do you personally fall? Instead of a quiz, it's time for a personality test!

Quesiton 1: One of your companions seems to be turning into a zombie, but nobody else is noticing. What do you do?

Quesiton 2: Someone takes charge of the group who doesn't seem like the best person for the job. What do you do?

Quesiton 3: You are in the middle of a city, alone, and due to the situation, you can only carry three of the following, along with a fully loaded revolver, and the clothes/jacket you're wearing (no fair trying to use an item to hold more items, three is all you get). Which do you carry?: extra ammunition, a knife, a cell phone (fully charged), a memento of a loved one, a holy object, an empty canteen (you just drank all the water in it), a large bag of trail mix (you're currently full), a mirror, a shotgun, a grenade, a blanket, a first aid kit, pepperspray, a lighter, a riot policeman's shield, a deck of cards, a bottle of whiskey, your keychain (with keys), a flashlight, or a set of lockpicks?

Question 4: Which personality do you consider yourself? Second most likely?

Quesiton 5: You are absolutely surrounded by zombies. Escape is more or less impossible. Your teammates are within shouting distance. What do you do?


Class dismissed.