The judge has decreed that one of my past victories was possibly unfair, and until the dispute is resolved, my record will go back down to 2-1. Which glorious victory of mine is being disputed? You'll just have to stay tuned and see...
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 5: AMAZON
Amazon. Videos. Books. Games. It's basically Half.com for people who don't like to save money.
Seriously, you could take www.Amazon.com, make everything slightly used and half the cost, and you'd get www.half.com.
Well...Amazon has a lot else to offer, right?
Oh I don't know. That's why I'm here. TO CHALLENGE AMAZON TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!
Well not really to the death, actually. I haven't got the guts, and Amazon doesn't have a "life" to lose, so to speak. So let's just spar, gentleman-like, and whoever wins gets a point...and what the hell, a free punch to the face. I feel generous.
Amazon has gone to incredible lengths to determine what I would like, and frankly an accurate listing of all the movies/books/video games that I'd like to pre-order, is the only thing that could possibly get me to buy through Amazon. To be honest, I have, in the relatively recent past, found, pre-ordered and then purchased two books through Amazon.com in this manner.
Two...but not three.
The judge has therefore decreed that I am to look through my Amazon recommendation list and then check each item, to see if the price they're asking for it (plus shipping) is actually what I'm willing to pay for that item. I am also to wipe out any item that I already own from the list, leaving me twenty items that I might "potentially" buy. If they can recommend three items I'd actually buy, at a price I'd be willing to pay for them, they win! If this seems unfair, keep in mind that they only have to win 3 of the 20 items, so knock it off already!
The aforementioned punch to the face? If Amazon wins...I'll actually buy those items.
That's right, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is. Begin.
Page 1 of items:
"Princess Mononoke" on DVD, "Nausicaa" on DVD, "Chronicles of Narnia" on DVD (special 4 disc set), Fraggle Rock "Red" doll, and "Star Wars: Episode 3"
I could hem and haw around the issue, but I'm just going to come out and say it:
I didn't like Princess Mononoke. It was preachy, depressing, and Princess Mononoke herself was a traditional Japanese female lead: beautiful, weak and almost completely dependent on the male hero. I'm not willing to buy it at all. That doesn't help the fact that they want $20 for it.
Nausicaa...depressing...not "Grave of the Fireflies" depressing, but close enough. No sale.
Chronicles of Narnia is the kind of movie I assumed I'd eventually get through Netflix, most likely to watch Mike Nelson and the bots make fun of it. I'd possibly get it as a laugh for...$8...which is about $27 less than I'd have to pay to own this gem. Man, Amazon, do you really think you know me?
Apparently Amazon is selling toys now. I hadn't even noticed. A doll of Red the Fraggle? I'd prefer...almost any other fraggle really. I'd be willing to lay a five spot down for it though. And it costs...$15. Moving on.
Episode 3 holds a special place in my heart. Specifically the part that hates life and loves misery (what's with that part, anyway?). Oh sure, the movie had quite a few things going for it. Few, if you weren't aware, is officially "3".
Those three things were: Obi-wan (the real main character of the trilogy), General Smoker-cough, and Yoda McKillsalototroopers. I'd pay $13, out of pure, knee-jerk loyalty to Lucas.
The price with shipping?
...$12.99
DAMN IT!!! There's so many better things I could spend $12.99 on! Still, I promised, and I don't have to do it unless Amazon can come up with two more!
Onto page 2 of items: "Chicken Run" (the first good movie Amazon's offered) on DVD, "Castle in the Air" in paperback, "Star Trek: the Animated series" on DVD (shudder), "Robbie the Reindeer" on DVD (?), and "Rocky and Bullwinkle: Season 3".
Chicken Run was an honestly good movie...but it's one of those movies I honestly don't need to see again. I'd possibly pay $10...and they want $13. *Whew!*
Castle in the Air...generic kids fantasty...I don't want it.
Star Trek the animated series? They didn't burn that?! Do they need someone to help them burn it?! I'll pay $5 for a copy, just to burn it! The $43 they want (shakes head) is a bit too steep to warrant the destruction.
Robbie the Reindeer? What the hell is that and why is it getting recommended to be? $8 out of pure curiosity. The $15 they want is a bit much.
Rocky and Bullwinkle is always fun! It was fun in season 1 and season 2 of the DVDs (both I own), but is the third season really going to be any better? I mean, half the joke behind the show is that it's ALWAYS the same! I'd still pay $15 for it though. Of course, as a large, multi-disk set, they want $38. No dice.
Halfway through and only one item on my list!
Page 3: "Addams Family: Season 1" on DVD (might get burned on this one), "Capote" on DVD (okay), "The Dark Knight Returns" in paperback, "Aeon Flux" on DVD, and "Matrix Revolutions" on DVD
Ooooo...I'd actually buy the original Addams family on DVD. It'd spend...$19. What can I say? Gomez, Fester and Lurch are hilarious, and Morticia is HOT with a capital...oh, I guess it's already capitalized. Still, I'd marry, divorce, and re-marry her in a heartbeat (effectively giving her 75% of everything I have, but she's worth it...salivate...).
I'd pay $19 for it.
Sun of a gun, they only want $17.97
Oh well, I feel a lot better about that than Star Wars. Just one more and Amazon may have something...but I don't feel so bad about the next few possibilites.
Capote? The man who defined what it meant to be creative and gay!
Wait, that was Oscar Wilde. Nevermind, $5. They want $15, so moving on.
The Dark Knight returns was good...but not that good. It kind of fills the same void as Chicken Run. Fittingly, I'd pay $10...and fittingly, they want $13.
Aeon Flux and Matrix 3 both hold a special place in my adnoids. Unfortunately, those were cut out of me, so they get nothing.
Final page: "Dinosaurs: season 1 and 2" on DVD (eww...), "Saturday Night Live: the Complete First Season" on DVD, "Seinfeld: Season 7" on DVD, "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas", and "Naked Gun: the complete trilogy" (uh oh...that's bad for me, very bad)
I wouldn't slam the first and second season of Dinosaurs into my worst enemy's face...which ironically is the television show "Dinosaurs". Could I slam something into its own face? I guess I could slam its fist into it. Do television shows have fists? Huh...
Anyway, next is Saturday Night Live...and that humor is pretty dated. Still, there's fun to be had, so...$15...slightly short of the $49.00 they want.
If I had the sudden urge to watch Seinfeld, I wouldn't start with the last season, so I'd only give about $15, again short of the $39.00 asked for.
Otter's Jugband Christmas? That sounds...scary. I'm sorry Mr. Henson, there's limits. No touching below the waist and no Otter Jugband holiday movies. $8 only, and as suspected, they want $18.
Do people really pay these prices for these DVD's? This is a recommendation list geared towards me, so I can only assume that there are other me's out there who's willing to slam down another $10 to watch an otter puppet blow into a jug.
Wherever you are, other me's...don't...just don't.
Well, that about wraps up this...
AHEM!
Oh yeah...the last item.
Crap, I actually want the complete Naked Gun. I almost peed myself laughing after watching the first...the third was a little lame, sure, but the whole set! All at once...
CRAP! I'd pay $24...
What do they want...
Wait for it!
Only two more after this one!
WAIT! I CAN SEE IT NOW! STOP SCROLLING!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
$21.99
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 2
When www.amazon.com scans me, does it scan me positively, seeing the good qualities within myself, or does it always scan me darkly...
In any case, it scans me well. I had no idea that there were actually deals on Amazon! I thought they were all ripoffs! It turns out that's just for everything else BESIDES movies.
Damn it...I actually have to pay hard earned money for Episode 3. BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE ME WATCH IT! SO THERE!
As a consolation to myself, I threw together a second blog, for the hell of it:
http://morbidhaiku.blogspot.com
Check it out and be slightly disturbed! ^_^
Next time: Is Something Awful really that awful...and will I get that disputed point back? We shall see...
Monday, February 26, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
NINJA ROBOT DINOSAUR!
Damn it! 0.999999...(infinite number of 9's) does not equal 1!
I'll personally headbutt anyone who says otherwise, and that includes elderly mathematicians!
MAX VERSES THE INTERNET PART 4: GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
I can just see it now. A confused, innocent child, unversed in the ways of the internet, wants to look up their favorite cartoon show online.
Hmm...usually their big brother helps them out, but he's off somewhere, so you'll just use his computer yourself.
Now, how should they look it up? Their big brother uses Google a lot...but there's a lot of words there, ant that's boring! What would be more interesting?
Wow! Let's try Google Image Search! That will surely work and not actually drop them smack dab in front of innocence shattering porn!
Google is, by far, the best search engine on the internet, but what about their image search? I once looked up 'turtles' in the image search (didn't think to turn the filter on) and got treated to an image that's STILL SCARRED ONTO THE INSIDES OF MY RETINAS!
What of? Let's just say it's the kind of image you'd only expect to get if you entered the words "Hentai", "Lick", and "Super Mario Brothers".
I can't even imagine what would happen to a poor kid that unwittingly went on their sibling's computer and got treated to uncensored, unbridled, koopa-sex, so I'm taking this glorified porn search down!
For this challenge, the judge has decreed I should come up with two entries, one for boys and one for girls, comprised of three words each, that I will enter into Google image search (filter off...this is their older brother after all) and if that search results in porn on the first page of images, I get a point. Of course, art and medical pictures don't count. The only thing that's going to get me any points is honest to god 'porn'.
The judge has also decreed that I can't choose any words that are overtly sexual (words like "cheerleader" and "doggie" are no-no's), and it must be realistic that a child might innocently enter them. For example (from the Judge) Ninja Robot Dinosaur would be acceptable for the boy's entry (and it might be the greatest movie idea in history too...but that's another post).
If there needs to be a tie-breaker, we'll do a reverse test...but more on that later, if we'll need it.
Okay, the relatively innocent boy (no young boy is truly innocent) can't seem to remember the name of that Japanese cartoon show he loves so much, so he decides to hop into his brother's chair, log onto Google Image Search and enter my chosen words...
Magic Pet Anime
What does he get...
Porn! Not innocent porn either. Nope, Google Image Search is providing only the most depraved and emotionally scarring hentai that the internet can provide!
What are those two girls from his favorite cartoon show doing to each other? Who knows? Still, they seem to be having a wonderful time! Better print that and bring it to class. See if any of the older kids know the name of that Super-Technique.
POINT, BUT BOY THAT KID'S GOING TO BE THE MOST POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL...UNTIL THE TEACHERS FIND HIM AT LEAST
Alright! Next up is our relatively innocent young girl (girls aren't innocent either, and if you don't believe me, play 'Rule of Rose'), who wants to print out a pretty picture of her favorite cartoon character, to hang up on her wall.
Our naive young lady hops up onto the chair, and slowly types in the words...
Princess Pony Dancer
What does she get?!
Oh...she gets ponies and dancers mostly.
There's a princess.
Doll furniture...
Full grown woman in an Alice in Wonderland outfit...
Nope, nada. Darn, I just hate to see a child unscarred.
DON'T WORRY MAX! THE OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL WILL MAKE SURE SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SCARRED VERY SOON!(DON'T BELIEVE ME? PLAY RULE OF ROSE.) POINT FOR GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. GO TO THE TIEBREAKER ROUND!
For the tiebreaker round, I'm going to do a reverse test, by first turning the filter up to the highest, most secure level (after the first incident with his little brother, big brother's being more careful with his computer), and then one of his two younger 'innocent' siblings decides to find more of those 'interesting' pictures online.
Will they get through the filter? After all, Google Image Search isn't going to allow innocent eyes to see dirty pictures, not when the filter's on, right? Not even if they enter the words...
Naked Penis Breast?
Now that I think of it, that's exactly what a young kid would enter, and you know it.
So what do they get for their trouble? What portion of the internet is left after Google filters out the 'naughty bits'?
Well, if everyone would just look to the left for the moment, you'll see a fully erect male penis!
Could it have some kind of relevance or artistic merit? Only if selling supplements for 'natural male enhancement' can be considered artistic.
If that isn't enough, we have a side by side image of two topless women. Before you jump to conclusions, let's just read the information along with it. You see, it's scientifically clear that the woman on the right has MUCH larger breasts than the woman on the left. Could it be due to the use of successful breast enhancement surgery? This site seems to think so!
For art lovers, there's the classy, museum quality, artistic photograph entitled "Penis On Breast". The name pretty much says it all.
For bonus points, one of the images that Google has provided us is an official looking seal of approval, with the proud words printed in bold beneath it:
YOUR PENIS OR BREAST SIZE MANIFOLD!
Now that's educational!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 1
Things are looking up...but something awful is beginning to make me nervous...and will Amazon be as simple as I think? We shall see!
Damn it! 0.999999...(infinite number of 9's) does not equal 1!
I'll personally headbutt anyone who says otherwise, and that includes elderly mathematicians!
MAX VERSES THE INTERNET PART 4: GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
I can just see it now. A confused, innocent child, unversed in the ways of the internet, wants to look up their favorite cartoon show online.
Hmm...usually their big brother helps them out, but he's off somewhere, so you'll just use his computer yourself.
Now, how should they look it up? Their big brother uses Google a lot...but there's a lot of words there, ant that's boring! What would be more interesting?
Wow! Let's try Google Image Search! That will surely work and not actually drop them smack dab in front of innocence shattering porn!
Google is, by far, the best search engine on the internet, but what about their image search? I once looked up 'turtles' in the image search (didn't think to turn the filter on) and got treated to an image that's STILL SCARRED ONTO THE INSIDES OF MY RETINAS!
What of? Let's just say it's the kind of image you'd only expect to get if you entered the words "Hentai", "Lick", and "Super Mario Brothers".
I can't even imagine what would happen to a poor kid that unwittingly went on their sibling's computer and got treated to uncensored, unbridled, koopa-sex, so I'm taking this glorified porn search down!
For this challenge, the judge has decreed I should come up with two entries, one for boys and one for girls, comprised of three words each, that I will enter into Google image search (filter off...this is their older brother after all) and if that search results in porn on the first page of images, I get a point. Of course, art and medical pictures don't count. The only thing that's going to get me any points is honest to god 'porn'.
The judge has also decreed that I can't choose any words that are overtly sexual (words like "cheerleader" and "doggie" are no-no's), and it must be realistic that a child might innocently enter them. For example (from the Judge) Ninja Robot Dinosaur would be acceptable for the boy's entry (and it might be the greatest movie idea in history too...but that's another post).
If there needs to be a tie-breaker, we'll do a reverse test...but more on that later, if we'll need it.
Okay, the relatively innocent boy (no young boy is truly innocent) can't seem to remember the name of that Japanese cartoon show he loves so much, so he decides to hop into his brother's chair, log onto Google Image Search and enter my chosen words...
Magic Pet Anime
What does he get...
Porn! Not innocent porn either. Nope, Google Image Search is providing only the most depraved and emotionally scarring hentai that the internet can provide!
What are those two girls from his favorite cartoon show doing to each other? Who knows? Still, they seem to be having a wonderful time! Better print that and bring it to class. See if any of the older kids know the name of that Super-Technique.
POINT, BUT BOY THAT KID'S GOING TO BE THE MOST POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL...UNTIL THE TEACHERS FIND HIM AT LEAST
Alright! Next up is our relatively innocent young girl (girls aren't innocent either, and if you don't believe me, play 'Rule of Rose'), who wants to print out a pretty picture of her favorite cartoon character, to hang up on her wall.
Our naive young lady hops up onto the chair, and slowly types in the words...
Princess Pony Dancer
What does she get?!
Oh...she gets ponies and dancers mostly.
There's a princess.
Doll furniture...
Full grown woman in an Alice in Wonderland outfit...
Nope, nada. Darn, I just hate to see a child unscarred.
DON'T WORRY MAX! THE OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL WILL MAKE SURE SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SCARRED VERY SOON!(DON'T BELIEVE ME? PLAY RULE OF ROSE.) POINT FOR GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. GO TO THE TIEBREAKER ROUND!
For the tiebreaker round, I'm going to do a reverse test, by first turning the filter up to the highest, most secure level (after the first incident with his little brother, big brother's being more careful with his computer), and then one of his two younger 'innocent' siblings decides to find more of those 'interesting' pictures online.
Will they get through the filter? After all, Google Image Search isn't going to allow innocent eyes to see dirty pictures, not when the filter's on, right? Not even if they enter the words...
Naked Penis Breast?
Now that I think of it, that's exactly what a young kid would enter, and you know it.
So what do they get for their trouble? What portion of the internet is left after Google filters out the 'naughty bits'?
Well, if everyone would just look to the left for the moment, you'll see a fully erect male penis!
Could it have some kind of relevance or artistic merit? Only if selling supplements for 'natural male enhancement' can be considered artistic.
If that isn't enough, we have a side by side image of two topless women. Before you jump to conclusions, let's just read the information along with it. You see, it's scientifically clear that the woman on the right has MUCH larger breasts than the woman on the left. Could it be due to the use of successful breast enhancement surgery? This site seems to think so!
For art lovers, there's the classy, museum quality, artistic photograph entitled "Penis On Breast". The name pretty much says it all.
For bonus points, one of the images that Google has provided us is an official looking seal of approval, with the proud words printed in bold beneath it:
YOUR PENIS OR BREAST SIZE MANIFOLD!
Now that's educational!
MAX: 3, INTERNET: 1
Things are looking up...but something awful is beginning to make me nervous...and will Amazon be as simple as I think? We shall see!
Monday, February 12, 2007
Hmm...I'm not exactly sure what Frank (the commenter) meant by having someone represent the internet. I mean, I'm challenging the internet as it is now, not the people behind it, or the concept of the internet. The only thing I could imagine that being like is a debate, and debates are boring.
So, if Frank, or anyone, wants to challenge me they'll have to make their own website or something. Either that or Rock-Paper-Scissors. I'm good either way.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 3
CHALLENGE 3: WWW.FARK.COM
Who needs CNN when you've got the highlights of Stuff magazine, work safe girlie pictures, that thing that guy heard, pictures of surprised owls, breaking hearsay, and everything else www.somethingawful.com throws away!
Who? Those of us who get bored by actual news sites, that's who!
Still, they probably deserve a good jab or two, so here we go.
Fark isn't necessarily a bad site, as it provides breaking news from many sources, but do we really need to know these tidbits, especially since we have to fish through mounds of barely organized crappy links to get to them? Let's find out!
The judge has approved my challenge for Fark, which is to check Fark's posts over the previous two days to see if I can find three links that are genuinely either informative or entertaining (that I wasn't already aware of through other sources), with the added stipulation that any links that don't work because of the massive amount of viewers (AKA: Farked) do not count. If Fark can provide three worthy links in two days, they win. If they can't, I do a little dance.
Let's go surfing!
Dogs banned from capital building. Okay.
Photoshop this cellar door...uh...no.
Protest over teacher's erotic vampire website. Is she hot? Checking...quite...but no link to the afore mentioned erotic vampire website, so I feel slightly cheated.
Blah, blah, blah dollar coins...OOOOO! Stop the presses! There's been a Calendar misprint! How will we ever know when it stops being May the 28th?
Uh...Boston light brite joke...blah, blah, blah, pot growers, blah, blah, blah, Welsh pub meets in church...
Oh wait, here's an interesting one. Apparently Boston has thousands of surveillance cameras installed at mass transit centers to help fight crime and terror. The catch? Nobody's watching them. Yup, they just sit there and record on their own, but apparently nobody's really keeping track of them either. The link goes on to describe a robbery that occurred right in front of the cameras, but the police didn't get around to checking the tapes in time, and they got copied over.
Guy: "Mr. Officer, do you have my robbery on videotape?"
Officer: "Oh, I'm sorry man, I copied over it with adult swim last night."
Guy: "Oh..."
Officer: "Dude, did you see the new show, Saul of the Mole Men?"
Guy: "No, I was getting robbed."
Officer: "Dude, it was hilarious!"
Well that was a good use of taxpayer money. The cameras copied the crime and it just got copied over, Phoenix Wright style (those of you who don't know what I'm referring to are either suffering from 'haven't-played-the-most-awesome-game-on-the-DS-syndrome' or are still stuck on the fourth damn case).
I'M HONESTLY SHOCKED THAT FARK DIDN'T MAKE A MOONINITE JOKE. POINT FOR FARK.
Hmm...well, back at it...
Dang! Two links down and we find a really fun side-scrolling adventure flash game called 'Millie and the Lost Sword' with an amusing, anti-WOW/online gaming theme to it, and the advertisement on the side of the screen has a hot girl in a thong on it.
Could a guy ask for more?
OH MAX...
What? I'm a geek! If you take away free video games and girlie pictures, what does that leave me? Snacks alone? I'll be dead in a week!
AH, YOU HAVE A POINT...ALTHOUGH WHAT A WEEK IT WOULD BE...POINT
Damn it Fark! Start sucking! I'm only one site away from...
Ah, a guide to LARP (live action roleplay)...I feel much safer now...
Girlscouts on Meth. Funny, but no...
Prison cats on decline. Prison cats? In that same vein, there's 'family' prison cells for people in Spain who want their families to live with them. Seriously.
Heroic dogs...robbery on billionaire's home...Batmoblie for sale...evolution Sunday...Obama is running for president...didn't he do that already? I thought that was a given? No surprise there...
Puns...puns...giant wang sculpture...fear of grannies...
Most heroic wedding picture you'll see all day? A soldier's wedding photo? Why's that...
Dear God.
Oh.
Ouch.
Uh.
Wow.
Wait...it continues onto her gallery of other photos of wounded war veterans and...
Oh.
Oh god.
IS THAT A SMALL TEAR I SEE, MAX?
No.
OH, BUT I THINK IT IS...
*SNIFF*
WAIT! IS HE...
*RAISES HAND*
IS HE?!!!
*TAPS OUT*
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 1
OH MAX, WHY WERE YOU LOOKING AT THINGS ON THE INTERNET? HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED? YOU JUST CLICK ON YOUR E-MAIL...WHICH IS MOSTLY SPAM...AND THEN GO.
Well perhaps you're...NO! NO, I CANNOT! For I have challenged the internet and I must follow through!
I claimed Fark was little more than a load of brainless work-alternatives, but it proved me wrong.
Fark.com is like panning for Gold AFTER the big rush began. You're not going to get too much reward for your trouble, but as long as you're easily entertained, you'll have quite a bit of fun at Fark, and possibly find a heart touching moment, or better yet, some partial nudity to boot!
Well met, Fark. Well met.
*Slaps self in the face twice*
I gotta keep psyched up! Next time...it's Google Image's turn!
So, if Frank, or anyone, wants to challenge me they'll have to make their own website or something. Either that or Rock-Paper-Scissors. I'm good either way.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 3
CHALLENGE 3: WWW.FARK.COM
Who needs CNN when you've got the highlights of Stuff magazine, work safe girlie pictures, that thing that guy heard, pictures of surprised owls, breaking hearsay, and everything else www.somethingawful.com throws away!
Who? Those of us who get bored by actual news sites, that's who!
Still, they probably deserve a good jab or two, so here we go.
Fark isn't necessarily a bad site, as it provides breaking news from many sources, but do we really need to know these tidbits, especially since we have to fish through mounds of barely organized crappy links to get to them? Let's find out!
The judge has approved my challenge for Fark, which is to check Fark's posts over the previous two days to see if I can find three links that are genuinely either informative or entertaining (that I wasn't already aware of through other sources), with the added stipulation that any links that don't work because of the massive amount of viewers (AKA: Farked) do not count. If Fark can provide three worthy links in two days, they win. If they can't, I do a little dance.
Let's go surfing!
Dogs banned from capital building. Okay.
Photoshop this cellar door...uh...no.
Protest over teacher's erotic vampire website. Is she hot? Checking...quite...but no link to the afore mentioned erotic vampire website, so I feel slightly cheated.
Blah, blah, blah dollar coins...OOOOO! Stop the presses! There's been a Calendar misprint! How will we ever know when it stops being May the 28th?
Uh...Boston light brite joke...blah, blah, blah, pot growers, blah, blah, blah, Welsh pub meets in church...
Oh wait, here's an interesting one. Apparently Boston has thousands of surveillance cameras installed at mass transit centers to help fight crime and terror. The catch? Nobody's watching them. Yup, they just sit there and record on their own, but apparently nobody's really keeping track of them either. The link goes on to describe a robbery that occurred right in front of the cameras, but the police didn't get around to checking the tapes in time, and they got copied over.
Guy: "Mr. Officer, do you have my robbery on videotape?"
Officer: "Oh, I'm sorry man, I copied over it with adult swim last night."
Guy: "Oh..."
Officer: "Dude, did you see the new show, Saul of the Mole Men?"
Guy: "No, I was getting robbed."
Officer: "Dude, it was hilarious!"
Well that was a good use of taxpayer money. The cameras copied the crime and it just got copied over, Phoenix Wright style (those of you who don't know what I'm referring to are either suffering from 'haven't-played-the-most-awesome-game-on-the-DS-syndrome' or are still stuck on the fourth damn case).
I'M HONESTLY SHOCKED THAT FARK DIDN'T MAKE A MOONINITE JOKE. POINT FOR FARK.
Hmm...well, back at it...
Dang! Two links down and we find a really fun side-scrolling adventure flash game called 'Millie and the Lost Sword' with an amusing, anti-WOW/online gaming theme to it, and the advertisement on the side of the screen has a hot girl in a thong on it.
Could a guy ask for more?
OH MAX...
What? I'm a geek! If you take away free video games and girlie pictures, what does that leave me? Snacks alone? I'll be dead in a week!
AH, YOU HAVE A POINT...ALTHOUGH WHAT A WEEK IT WOULD BE...POINT
Damn it Fark! Start sucking! I'm only one site away from...
Ah, a guide to LARP (live action roleplay)...I feel much safer now...
Girlscouts on Meth. Funny, but no...
Prison cats on decline. Prison cats? In that same vein, there's 'family' prison cells for people in Spain who want their families to live with them. Seriously.
Heroic dogs...robbery on billionaire's home...Batmoblie for sale...evolution Sunday...Obama is running for president...didn't he do that already? I thought that was a given? No surprise there...
Puns...puns...giant wang sculpture...fear of grannies...
Most heroic wedding picture you'll see all day? A soldier's wedding photo? Why's that...
Dear God.
Oh.
Ouch.
Uh.
Wow.
Wait...it continues onto her gallery of other photos of wounded war veterans and...
Oh.
Oh god.
IS THAT A SMALL TEAR I SEE, MAX?
No.
OH, BUT I THINK IT IS...
*SNIFF*
WAIT! IS HE...
*RAISES HAND*
IS HE?!!!
*TAPS OUT*
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 1
OH MAX, WHY WERE YOU LOOKING AT THINGS ON THE INTERNET? HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED? YOU JUST CLICK ON YOUR E-MAIL...WHICH IS MOSTLY SPAM...AND THEN GO.
Well perhaps you're...NO! NO, I CANNOT! For I have challenged the internet and I must follow through!
I claimed Fark was little more than a load of brainless work-alternatives, but it proved me wrong.
Fark.com is like panning for Gold AFTER the big rush began. You're not going to get too much reward for your trouble, but as long as you're easily entertained, you'll have quite a bit of fun at Fark, and possibly find a heart touching moment, or better yet, some partial nudity to boot!
Well met, Fark. Well met.
*Slaps self in the face twice*
I gotta keep psyched up! Next time...it's Google Image's turn!
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Let's go shopping!
Or better yet, let's offer a price for an item we won't get for two weeks, if we get it at all. Man, those two weeks of waiting, hoping the seller on the opposite side of the planet hasn't just ripped us off, will be so worth the $2.13 we saved on that Ninja Turtles DVD!
For some reason, some people consider this superior to flea markets and garage sales. Sure, you're more likely to find something specific and obscure you're looking for, but in order to immediately find the same item at a similar price, you'd have to do something ridiculously drastic, like straining your fingers to type the words www.half.com, and I wouldn't want to put your precious fingers to that much work.
Honestly, half.com is superior to ebay in every conceivable way. You see an item you like, organized by quality of product, you purchase it and they send it to you.
Of course you can't get gift items, decorations and toys through half.com, but gift items are easily found at the store, decorations often break when mailed, and toys for adults is just sad.
Okay, I admit it, I recently picked up some Battlebots toys over Ebay, and it's sad, pathetic and I was ashamed to be a part of the transaction. Let's just move on to the competition.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 2: Ebay
For this event, under the supervision of the judge, I'm going to select three items that I recently purchased at a flea market and see if I can find the same items in the recent finished Ebay American auctions for less money. To be fair, since I had to drive to the auction, I'm going to waive up to a $4 shipping and handling charge (anything higher is ridiculous, and they're just adding to their profits).
If I could have gotten the items for the same price or cheaper right around the corner, then the point goes to me. If I could have honestly saved money through Ebay, the point goes to them. Winner is best out of three....
Half.com doesn't count, because I have no beef with them. After reading this gloriously epic blog, I suggest shopping there and saving some money.
FIGHT!
My choices are:
Castlevania Lament of Innocence (PS2, Good condition, disc only): $3
WWF: Betrayal (Color Gameboy): $8
Star Wars Monopoly, Pokemon Monopoly, and Atmosfear (Bundle): $10
I picked up the Castlevania PS2 game for a mere pittance because it had no instructions and was in a generic case. There didn't appear to be any damage on the CD and the guy only wanted $3. The game itself was generic, repetitive and boring, but it was worth giving a try. I later brought it to a game store as a trade-in, and got $4 for it, giving me a dollar for playing it. That seemed about right.
EBAY: Best offer: Final selling price: $2.75, with a shipping cost of $5.55. Net price: $4.30
POINT FOR MAX, WHO WAS TECHNICALLY PAID TO PLAY THIS GAME.
Hoody-hoo! That poor sucker actually had to pay thirty cents to play Lament of Innocence.
My condolences to his family.
Next up...a little background information. Even people that follow video games and wrestling are probably shrugging and scratching their heads after I mentioned WWF: Betrayal. This game was buried by the WWF almost as deeply as Atari buried ET.
This game is nothing short of horrible. First, it's not a wrestling game. It's actually a WWF themed fighting game, similar to Final Fight, only without the depth and charm. You play as one of four WWF wrestlers: Stone Cold, Undertaker (calm down, it's the lame 'Biker' version and he's no taller than any of the other characters), Triple H and the Rock. To give them credit, the characters actually look different and unique, but that's the only thing unique about them. All they do is punch, kick, dropkick and do their finisher. Repeat this about a thousand times and you have the game. Leaders? The other three characters.
This game was swept off the shelves and into the garbage so fast it took me forever to find a copy, and it cost eight bucks, mostly because it's kind of rare. I revel in their shameful game in the same way I love MST3K movies. This is the kind of game you heckle in a group. I don't believe I'll be able to resell it. Let's see if Ebay can prove me wrong...
EBAY: Best offer: Final selling price: only comes up once recently, and was never sold!
Judges?
HOW MUCH COULD YOU HAVE PURCHASED IT FOR ON EBAY?
...$6.99, with $5.00 shipping. Net price: $7.99...aw man...they beat me by a penny.
POINT FOR EBAY! ALTHOUGH ANYONE WHO BOUGHT THIS GAME IS TECHNICALLY A LOSER.
Dang! I better avoid another 'Paul Bunyan' like defeat, because it's time for the final round!
Now, for this one I paid a flat $10 for three cool games, but finding them together will be impossible, so instead the Judge has instructed me to find each of the games independently, allowing up to $6 shipping for each (shipping boardgames is admittedly more difficult, and this seems to be the average), and give the total of the best prices for each.
Star Wars Monopoly: the name of the game says it all. Vinny liked it so much, I let him keep it.
Pokemon Monopoly: like the original only you can steal property with doubles. Very good.
Atmosfear: The Gate Keeper instructs you to lose half your keys and play this awesome game!
Ebay?
Star Wars Monopoly: $1.04, with $8.00 shipping
Pokemon Monopoly: $4.99, with $5.95 shipping
Atmosfear: $3.24, with $8.00 shipping
Grand total...
Wait for it...
$13.27!
MAX, YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR VICTORY DANCE.
Left to right! Right to left! Everybody's singin', jumping around!
Back and forth, with the mass!
Melody is coming from Capoeira!
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 0
Next up: Google Image search. Will my power trip continue? Stay tuned....
Or better yet, let's offer a price for an item we won't get for two weeks, if we get it at all. Man, those two weeks of waiting, hoping the seller on the opposite side of the planet hasn't just ripped us off, will be so worth the $2.13 we saved on that Ninja Turtles DVD!
For some reason, some people consider this superior to flea markets and garage sales. Sure, you're more likely to find something specific and obscure you're looking for, but in order to immediately find the same item at a similar price, you'd have to do something ridiculously drastic, like straining your fingers to type the words www.half.com, and I wouldn't want to put your precious fingers to that much work.
Honestly, half.com is superior to ebay in every conceivable way. You see an item you like, organized by quality of product, you purchase it and they send it to you.
Of course you can't get gift items, decorations and toys through half.com, but gift items are easily found at the store, decorations often break when mailed, and toys for adults is just sad.
Okay, I admit it, I recently picked up some Battlebots toys over Ebay, and it's sad, pathetic and I was ashamed to be a part of the transaction. Let's just move on to the competition.
MAX VERSUS THE INTERNET PART 2: Ebay
For this event, under the supervision of the judge, I'm going to select three items that I recently purchased at a flea market and see if I can find the same items in the recent finished Ebay American auctions for less money. To be fair, since I had to drive to the auction, I'm going to waive up to a $4 shipping and handling charge (anything higher is ridiculous, and they're just adding to their profits).
If I could have gotten the items for the same price or cheaper right around the corner, then the point goes to me. If I could have honestly saved money through Ebay, the point goes to them. Winner is best out of three....
Half.com doesn't count, because I have no beef with them. After reading this gloriously epic blog, I suggest shopping there and saving some money.
FIGHT!
My choices are:
Castlevania Lament of Innocence (PS2, Good condition, disc only): $3
WWF: Betrayal (Color Gameboy): $8
Star Wars Monopoly, Pokemon Monopoly, and Atmosfear (Bundle): $10
I picked up the Castlevania PS2 game for a mere pittance because it had no instructions and was in a generic case. There didn't appear to be any damage on the CD and the guy only wanted $3. The game itself was generic, repetitive and boring, but it was worth giving a try. I later brought it to a game store as a trade-in, and got $4 for it, giving me a dollar for playing it. That seemed about right.
EBAY: Best offer: Final selling price: $2.75, with a shipping cost of $5.55. Net price: $4.30
POINT FOR MAX, WHO WAS TECHNICALLY PAID TO PLAY THIS GAME.
Hoody-hoo! That poor sucker actually had to pay thirty cents to play Lament of Innocence.
My condolences to his family.
Next up...a little background information. Even people that follow video games and wrestling are probably shrugging and scratching their heads after I mentioned WWF: Betrayal. This game was buried by the WWF almost as deeply as Atari buried ET.
This game is nothing short of horrible. First, it's not a wrestling game. It's actually a WWF themed fighting game, similar to Final Fight, only without the depth and charm. You play as one of four WWF wrestlers: Stone Cold, Undertaker (calm down, it's the lame 'Biker' version and he's no taller than any of the other characters), Triple H and the Rock. To give them credit, the characters actually look different and unique, but that's the only thing unique about them. All they do is punch, kick, dropkick and do their finisher. Repeat this about a thousand times and you have the game. Leaders? The other three characters.
This game was swept off the shelves and into the garbage so fast it took me forever to find a copy, and it cost eight bucks, mostly because it's kind of rare. I revel in their shameful game in the same way I love MST3K movies. This is the kind of game you heckle in a group. I don't believe I'll be able to resell it. Let's see if Ebay can prove me wrong...
EBAY: Best offer: Final selling price: only comes up once recently, and was never sold!
Judges?
HOW MUCH COULD YOU HAVE PURCHASED IT FOR ON EBAY?
...$6.99, with $5.00 shipping. Net price: $7.99...aw man...they beat me by a penny.
POINT FOR EBAY! ALTHOUGH ANYONE WHO BOUGHT THIS GAME IS TECHNICALLY A LOSER.
Dang! I better avoid another 'Paul Bunyan' like defeat, because it's time for the final round!
Now, for this one I paid a flat $10 for three cool games, but finding them together will be impossible, so instead the Judge has instructed me to find each of the games independently, allowing up to $6 shipping for each (shipping boardgames is admittedly more difficult, and this seems to be the average), and give the total of the best prices for each.
Star Wars Monopoly: the name of the game says it all. Vinny liked it so much, I let him keep it.
Pokemon Monopoly: like the original only you can steal property with doubles. Very good.
Atmosfear: The Gate Keeper instructs you to lose half your keys and play this awesome game!
Ebay?
Star Wars Monopoly: $1.04, with $8.00 shipping
Pokemon Monopoly: $4.99, with $5.95 shipping
Atmosfear: $3.24, with $8.00 shipping
Grand total...
Wait for it...
$13.27!
MAX, YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR VICTORY DANCE.
Left to right! Right to left! Everybody's singin', jumping around!
Back and forth, with the mass!
Melody is coming from Capoeira!
MAX: 2, INTERNET: 0
Next up: Google Image search. Will my power trip continue? Stay tuned....
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