YET ANOTHER BEST/WORST MOVIE RANT
BEST DRAMA
The categories drama, mystery and suspense are a little difficult to divide up, but ultimately I've decided to have drama as one category, and mystery/suspense as another. The only real difference between mystery and suspense being whether you know who the murderer is or not. Anyway, here's drama.
Honorable Mention: Casablanca (1942)
A classic, and for good reason. Bogey's at his best, improvising lines that are now considered classic (if you read the original script, you'll find that none of the really good lines in there). Everything about the story is completely believable, from the hilariously creepy French policeman, to the heartbreaking romance, to the suprisingly well portrayed friendship between him and Sam (it's unusual to see a cross-race friendship in older movies without them relying on master/servant undertones...in fact, it's unusual to see it even now), and fantastic performances all around. It's subtle, believable, and deep. A must see.
Best Drama: Miller's Crossing (1990)
When will Hollywood get it? The best heroes are VULNERABLE. Not weak, but human, and prone not only to make mistakes, but also fail. This story is about imperfect human characters, one of which is having a crisis of conscience, which he himself describes as being similar to running through the forest, trying to catch his hat. Again, it's subtle and brilliant, with a perfect atmosphere and as many laughs as there are tears.
As an added bonus, watch for John Turturro's character (you might remember him as the wacky federal agent in 'Transformers'), who skates the line between lovable, detestable and pathetic with flair. His begging in the woods is nothing short of the greatest instance of begging in movie history.
Almost Made the List
Metropolis (the greatest silent movie ever, but a little too slow to rate higher, as it was filmed before the invention of 'pacing')
Godfather 2 (I don't care for the other Godfather movies, but the second is brilliant, mostly in part to Deniro...no offense Mr. Pacino)
Scent of a Woman (See? There was no offense. His last speech is pure gold, and falls somewhere between a furious tirade, and a heartbreaking confession. The co-star couldn't out-act a brick though, so it's not worth a victory)
12 Angry Men (a very good movie and an excellent play, but some of the actors are a little lacking...but only by a little bit)
Citizen Kane (incredibly dense, but very well performed by everyone involved. The scene between Kane and his last wife, where their marriage finally falls apart, is perfect)
Touch of Evil (Orson Wells is back again, this time as a sympathetic villain that rivals Turturro's. Rivals, but doesn't quite defeat)
WORST DRAMA EVER
Dishonorable mention: Parts, the Clonus Horror (1979)
This movie is just plain stupid. They clone people for extra organs, but create this isolated community to hold them in, feeding them lies to keep them under control. Where's the payoff? Isn't it easier to just replace people than cloning backup organs for them? Can't they just clone the organs and not the rest of the person? Why not keep them lobotimized (they lobotomize the clones if they become unruly, but they never explain why they don't do this from the start)? Why lie to them about the world? Why not tell them the truth, but keep them isolated until you need them? None of these questions get answered, and instead we watch Peter Graves be evil, and the secret organization work like idiots. They don't even have security cameras in the offices, for Got's sake.
As a bonus point, as stupid as this movie sounds, the creators of the recent movie 'The Island' decided to rip the concept off completely, right down to every stupid twist. The movie bombed, and they got their pants sued off. Sweet. If only the same fate befell...
Worst Drama: Patch Adams (1998)
I don't blame Robin Williams for this movie. He did what he could with it, and gave a better performance than in Bicentennial Man or Jack. This movie was garbage from the ground up.
It starts off fairly well, as we see some honestly funny scenes with the impatient and flawed Patch Adams, but the world quickly divides into two groups: satan worshipping baby killers, and people who worship Patch Adams as the second coming of Christ.
This trumped up, shameless ego pic is about Patch Adams being zany, breaking all the rules, committing countless criminal offenses, and being worshipped for it like a God. I hate Patch Adams. Not just the movie, but the man himself. He even put in the tragic death of his real life lady friend, only to reveal her darkest secrets to the moviegoing public, and exploit her death as a cheap excuse for his own soul searching. Fuck you, Patch Adams. She deserved better.
For Christ's sakes, even the dying angry patient, who turns around and becomes happy, spends his last moment with...his wife? Kids? Priest? No! Why Patch Adams of course! God's gift to the world, to be loved unconditionally, and act as both our personal jester and surrogate priest. Remember, any mention of God, religion or spirituality is prohibited in this movie, as nothing is allowed to take any attention or love away from Patch himself.
Haven't had enough? The big trial at the end is BS. In reality, they weren't trying him for his 'renegade' hospital or his methods, they were trying him for stealing supplies and hospital funds! That's a pretty good reason to have a trial, all things considered.
Everything about this movie is shameless and dumb, but it's not really Robin Williams' fault. His only crime was not turning the part down. This movie would have been nothing without him.
BEST ROMANCE
I admit, this category is a little light, just like Sports. Perhaps it's because romances don't actually work the way they do in chick-flicks. Of course, real fights don't work the way they do in movies either, but at least you get explosions and guns being fired while leaping through the air. Chick-flicks get conversations. Great.
Honorable Mention: Annie Hall (1977)
Every Woody Allen movie is a completely honest confession. Understand this, and you'll understand the man. His personal failings aside, Woody Allen is a brilliant director, who took a mediocre concept for a murder mystery, and instead turned it into a completely neurotic romance that borders on being the most honest in movie history. It isn't always pleasant or pretty, but from beginning to end we see a romance build up and ultimately fail, and their failures and difficulties are always created by themselves, rather than chance or circumstance. It's hilarious, brilliant, and it even includes Shelley Duvall in a see-through t-shirt.
There will be a time and place to talk about my Shelley Duvall crush, but now is not the time...but didn't anyone else think she looked cute in 'The Shining'? No? Huh.
As a bonus, there's a scene in Annie Hall where Woody Allen panics when he's supposed to accept a big award, and ultimately doesn't go because he's afraid. What's the bonus? Annie Hall won 'best picture' at the Oscars, and he did exactly the same thing in real life. As I said, Woody's movies are all confessions.
Best Romance: The Princess Bride (1987)
Yeah, it's not a romance in the traditional sense, but it isn't really a comedy or fantasy either. This movie is about love, not just the love we feel during romance, but the love we feel for our family as well. Imigo's love for his father is just as important as Westley's for Buttercup, and drives the plot along perfectly. Cary Elwes gives the performance of a lifetime...actually, everyone involved does. Mandy Patinkin (Imigo...yeah, his name's 'Mandy'...poor guy) really steals the show though, and helps the 'action' elements hold up. It's so classic there's no reason even to quote it. We all know it by heart.
Why do I consider this movie a romance? Because the movie wouldn't have been great if the romantic aspects weren't so believable, mixing need, desire, bitterness, faith, and devotion in perfect harmony. It would have still been alright, but the romantic aspects bring the movie to life. It's the chick flick we can all agree on.
Almost made it:
West Side Story (arguably better than Romeo and Juliet itself, but the romantic aspects fall flat in places. The smaller support characters really drive the show)
My Best Friend's Wedding (painfully honest and bittersweet, just like Annie Hall, and it's Julia Roberts' best...which is kind of like saying a movie is Keanu Reeve's best, but what the hell?)
Sleepless in Seattle (I'm not a Tom Hanks fan, but he works well in this movie. What works best is they take time to show both sides of the romance, which is always believable...except in Bill Pullman's pathetic 'nice guy' acceptance at the end. Come on Lonestar! Grow a pair! At least get drunk and punch the waiter, for Christ's sake.)
WORST ROMANCE
Dishonorable Mention: Titanic (1997)
What a horrible movie. Mediocre performances all around, a villain that they refuse to allow to be sympathetic in any away (just like in Patch, they won't let anything detract from the main romance), with an INCREDIBLY long run time. The boat sinking scenes are fine, but anything involved in the 'romantic' aspect of the plot is pathetic. Almost as pathetic as...
Worst Romance: Moulin Rouge! (2001)
It takes a special amount of shamelessness to have an exclaimation mark in your title. Instead of celebrating this shamelessness, like in 'Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!', Moulin Rouge acts like a drama geek with a moderate to severe cocaine problem.
The musical numbers aren't bad, but the movie constantly expects to be wacky-zany and be taken completely seriously as well. One scene the main girl is whoring herself out to strangers, the other she's dying, the next she's falling in love with the hero, only to then bounce around like a pogo-stick. The movie simply tries to do too much, and be too much. No matter what mind set you're in, you're going to leave disappointed, as the movie can't decides what it is, ultimately making it nothing.
Yeah, it hardly seems enough to make it 'the worst', but the last straw is their constant repetition of the phrase 'truth'. They say everything about their life and work is about truth. Bullshit. Yeah, I said it. Bullshit. Their version of truth is that lovers stay together in perfect relationships forever, are paid ludicrous sums to sing and dance, and should be revered every moment for it.
The villain (who I fully empathize with) thinks the truth is that the kid is a nobody, the girl's a prostitute, and since he's paying for everything, including her services as a prostitute, then he should recieve the goods, services and sexual favors that he's paid good money for.
Can we really blame him?
BEST MYSTERY/SUSPENSE
I'll admit it, I love these movies, especially old film noir. Good acting, great directing, great plots (although the sex and controversial parets of the original stories are always cut out), and gloriously sexy women who didn't have to show a lot of skin in order to get men interested. Anyway, here we go:
Honorable Mention: Laura (1944)
This used to be my all-time favorite movie, and it's still my second favorite, overall. It's a brilliant story that may sometimes seem clicheyed, simply because this is the movie where all the cliches come from. They all were stolen from here. It's a standard detective story, with the hero falling in love with the girl, only this time the girl's already dead. As our hero unravels the events of her life through a series of flashbacks described by other people, he begins to fall in love with her personality, even though he's only seen her through her large portrait. Clifton Webb is hilariously icy, and a young Vincent Price plays a charming lady's man (if you can believe it). The main detective is cool, calculating and like in all great movies, subtle. He doesn't shout his feelings. You have to infer them from his actions. The movie honestly gets better every time I see it, and is dwarfed only by...
Best Mystery/Suspense: Murder My Sweet (1944)
This movie is perfect. Everything about it is fantastic, and Dick Powell portrays Detective Phillip Marlowe better than any other actor in history, Bogey included. The plot is tight and hilarious, with good amounts of suspense and classic lines, such as:
"He was doubled up on his face...in that bag-of-old-clothes position that always means the same thing: he had been killed by an amateur. Or by somebody who wanted it to look like an amateur job. Nobody else would hit a man that many times with a sap."
It's a great detective story that's just as funny as it is exciting. Phillip Marlowe started the 'detective monologuing' cliche, and nobody does it better. It's a must see for all detective movie fans, and the book it's based on, 'Farewell My Lovely' is just as good (although the ending is very different). It's my favorite film of any genre, hands down.
Almost made it:
Going to be a lot. Sorry...
Chinatown (Jack Nicholson is fantastic, and it's far more realistic and tragic than your standard detective movie)
The French Connection (almost an action movie, with one of the best car chase scenes of all time, and a spooky ending I did not see coming)
White Heat (James Cagney becomes a mobster movie legend, and for good reason. He's so believably unhinged, it's frightening. It's fantastic from beginning to end, and the hero is really an afterthought. It's all about the villain here. "MADE IT MA! TOP OF THE WORLD!")
The Professional (The oddly offputting romantic untertones aside, this movie is brilliant. It's a bizarre tale about a loveable assassin with a minor mental disability who adopts a 12 year old girl who falls madly in love with him (although his feelings are always platonic), while thwarting a hilariously over-the-top corrupt cop. It's a unique gem, only limited by unsettling feeling throughout)
The Third Man (Brando steals the show as the charismatic villain, but it's also a great movie overall. Be sure to check out the ferris wheel scene. ^_^ The music also compliments things well, and the ending is both sad and poignant. Great flick.)
The Usual Suspects (A great movie that's a little too clever for its own good, but still a great flick overall. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist." Great line. Great movie)
The Big Sleep (a great Bogey movie by any standard, with one of the best final scenes in movie history, but they cut half the plot out of the movie to make room for more romance. Even with those deleted scenes, you won't understand anything if you haven't read the book. Hell, half the plot points don't make sense unless you understand that the first murder victim is both a pornographer and a homosexual, and since it's an older movie, both points were completely cut out)
The Maltese Falchon (if you're looking at drama/suspense, you're going to get a lot of movies that start with 'the'. Bogey is once again fantastic, with another great ending, and surprisingly believable plot. Every detective movie like this usually ends with either the hero falling madly in love with the girl, or the girl turning out to be pure evil. This is one of the rare movies that has the courage to do both.)
Road to Perdition (underrated film, with great direction, and fantastic scenes between Tom Hanks and Paul Newman. Both actors go against type, and add a lot to the movie, which would have been great in any case. We also learn an important lessons for gunfights: don't hide behind anything made of glass.)
WORST MYSTERY/SUSPENSE
Whew! Never thought I'd get through the 'almost made it section'. Here's one that definitely didn't make it:
Dishonorable mention: The Big Sleep (1978)
But Max, you said this movie was good!
Check the year. Yup, in the same year I was born, an ancient Robert Mitchum was convinced that he could play Phillip Marlowe in a modern day update of the story, set in England. Nevermind that the pornographer sub-plot doesn't make sense in the present, that the film is filled with grade-Z actors, that they destroyed the power of the 'little man' death scene, or that they made the bad daughter who's supposed to be gorgeous rather 'plain', and the good daughter who's supposed to be plain rather 'gorgeous'. Really gorgeous, in fact. Everything else is just plain stupid...although it is more faithful to the original story than the 1944 version.
As an added dishonor, Jimmy Stewart...that's right, 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is horribly miscast as the old, dying patron of the hiring family. Every line is warbled out weakly, with no anger, bitterness or passion. Jimmy was simply the wrong man for the job, plain and simple. Has this great actor ever done anything worse?
Worst Mystery/Suspense: Vertigo (1958)
On IMDB, this movie is #39 on the greatest movies of all time. It's considered by some to be Hitchcock's greatest film of all time. My favorite Hitchcock film isn't even in the top 250.
Please, everyone do what you can to fight the war on drugs. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Seriously though, this movie is so ungodly slow you would hardly believe it. If they aren't driving around in cars, listening to pointless stories or hamming it up for the camera, then they're merely setting the story up for one of the stupidest twists in movie history.
Vertigo makes NO sense at any point, from start to finish, and although Jimmy Stewart does an okay acting job, the plot's too weak to support it. The only redeeming part is the ending, where Jimmy's corners the villain, and forces himself to face his fear and relive the worst moments of his life, all for the sake of finding the truth.
This is ruined, sadly, but the horribly unclimactic ending afterwards, that explains and resolves nothing. What happens? How do things resolve? The movie gives you the finger, that's what happens...alright, the very last scene is a beautiful one, with Jimmy standing out on the ledge, but it takes far too long to get there.
Next time:
I butcher more classics, and go on to the final genres: horror, family and samurai/western.
Having said that all in one sentence, I now have to write, direct and star in my own horror/family/samurai/western. Wish me luck. ^_^
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
BEST AND WORST MOVIES: PART 2
As promised...
BEST PORN
Honorable Mention: World's Bustiest Asian...
Okay, I'm not actually going there. You can thank me later...right after you beat me senseless for going on about the worst pornos ever.
No, I'm not 'going there' in the literal sense. I won't go into that. Instead, I'm going to rant a little bit on the two worst movies that pretended to be serious, artistic, oscar-worthy films, and instead turned out to be Porn. Not even good porn.
WORST PORN
Dishonorable Mention: Caligula (1979)
Okay, picture this...
Wait...on second thought, don't.
Instead, picture an 18 year old Max, finally able to rent 'adult' movies, who doesn't have the guts to actually rent porn. Keep in mind, this is before the internet caught on.
Now, he's looking around the video store and he sees 'Caligula'. It has naked women, it's critically acclaimed, and it appears historical. Naked women and a good movie to boot! Who could ask for more?
Young Max then takes it home, sneaks it upstairs, puts it on, and is immediately scarred for life.
This movie is grotesque. It's not even historically accurate. The incest is really the tamest part. I'm all for sex and violence in movies, but NOT IN THE SAME SCENE. The best parts are merely disgusting, and I really don't want to go further into it.
To quote the hilarious (although it isn't always intentional) Roger Ebert:
"It isn't good art and it isn't good porn."
Ew...still, one redeeming scene, no doubt as a concession to investors (who were probably nearing the torch and pitchfork stage), is in the movie towards the end, involving the Roman senator's wives. It DEFINITELY isn't worth watching for it, but it makes it a little bit better than...
WORST PORN: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Story time once more. Okay, I'm at college, flipping through the channels, and I stop at the college TV station...and it's soft core porn.
Seriously.
It's fully clothed people in masks watching naked people in masks have sex. It'd be more interesting if it wasn't ridiculously 'artsy' and over-dramatic.
Suddenly, there's a little tension as one of the guys in masks (fully clothed, thankfully) is cornered and revealed as an intruder. He's ordered to take off his mask and it's...
Tom Cruise
I nearly passed out. I nearly hurled myself out the second story window, to end the nightmare. No, it was real...and it was Tom Cruise.
I had one of those 'if it wasn't for my horse' moments. My mind's racing. What the hell is Tom Cruise doing in a bad, artsy soft core porn movie?
Then it hits me...Eyes Wide Shut. The movie progresses terribly, with all the horrible acting, and no more nudity. It's bad enough that Tom Cruise is the type of actor who prepares for the role of a doctor by putting on a stethoscope, but nobody brings anything to this movie. How the hell could Kubrick, one of the best directors who ever lived, create a piece of crap like that?!
That's when it hits me. Imagine you're Kubrick. You're an old and famous director, and a dirty old man (all old men are 'dirty old men' by the way). You're in no mood to marry a gold digging, trophy wife. You can't go to a strip club, or it'd be all over the news. The internet is around, but still in the crappy AOL stage.
What do you do?
You direct a movie that's basically nothing but a strip club, and sell it off as art. Genius. It's trash, but the scam is genius. ^_^
BEST COMEDY
Along with detective/mystery, it's probably my favorite genre. Movies are supposed to be fun, and comedies are definitely that...usually.
Honorable Mention: Young Frankenstein (1974)
Of all the movies in the list, this is probably the closest any honorable mention got to winning. Gene Wilder is a comic genius (if he wasn't such a prick in real life, he'd get more acclaim), and his talent, combined with a great cast, hilarious script and top notch directing, all combined to bring us the greatest parody of all time. The 'scalpel' scene near the beginning never fails to crack me up, and if any other actor besides Gene Wilder did it, it probably wouldn't have been nearly as funny. Comedy is ultimately about subtlety and timing, and no movie does it better than...
BEST COMEDY: Clue (1985)
Yes, you probably saw this one coming, but come on:
Tim Currey
Madelain Kahn (In both top comedies, by the way)
Christopher Lloyd
Martin Mull
Michael McKean
Colleen Camp (the ludicrously hot Yvette)
Eileen Brennan
This is a cast that could only produce pure, comic gold, and surely enough they did. The plot is clever, fast moving, suprisingly realistic (everything that happens is certainly possible), and like my top action pick 'Hot Fuzz', Clue keeps escalating, starting off slow and slightly sombre, but by the end it runs like a full blown madcap comedy.
Also like Young Frankenstein, the movie would have only been 'alright' if it weren't for the experienced cast, who play off each other beautifully, with hilarious and subtle performances.
Yes, I'm a major clue fan...and I've even ranted in the past about how only the 'first' ending (the one with the 'one plus two' bit) is the only ending that makes sense...because otherwise how would the murderers know about the secret passage from the Conservatory to the Lounge? It doesn't make sense that they'd find it by chance during the few minutes left alone, and Miss Scarlet was the only one who could possibly know...
Well, you see what I mean. Still, it's a fantastic movie. Also, it cements Madelain Kahn's place as the queen of comedy. You know her rant on how much she hated Yvette? She improvised that on the spot. ^_^
Almost made it to the list
Most of the Monty Python Movies (like the series, the often get a little slow and unfunny at times...blasphemous, I know, but live with it)
Most other Mel Brooks Movies (there are many many great ones, but Young Frankestein is the best)
Oh Brother Where Art Thou (A little too serious, with too many scenes of the 'politicians', but otherwise very good)
MST3K The Movie (Yes, I'm a fanboy, but I'll give them props. The movie is tight, short, entertaining, and you don't need to be a fan to enjoy it. The end credits is the best end credits of any movie, ever)
WORST COMEDY
Dishonorable Mention: Most Adam Sandler movies
God, I hate Adam Sandler. He plays every single part with the same blank, humorless aggressiveness. He's one of those actors who believes he can phone in rolls because he oozes talent, but since he has virtually none, he just comes off as an aloof idiot.
Have a favorite Adam Sandler movie? I guarantee you he was carried along by better actors, to give the impression of talent by having other comedians provide all the humor. He's the Millie Vanilli of comedy. He's Owen Wilson without charm. He's Ben Stiller without personality. He's Rob Schneider without any shred of humility.
Alright, I'll give him Happy Gilmore, but that's it. Everything else is trash.
WORST COMEDY: Nothing but Trouble (1991)
When a man sits down with his friends to watch a movie starring Dan Akroyd, Jim Candy, Chevy Chase, and Demi Moore (back when she was hot)...a man has certain expectations. This is a very talented cast, full of veteran comedians...
So what the hell happened? This movie has all the grotesqueness of Caligula, only instead of nudity, it has wacky sound effects. For some strange reason, I keep getting the odd suspicion that Dan Akroyd's trying to be funny. Maybe it's just me.
An insane old judge with a nose that looks like a penis...yeah, that's the joke...an old backwoods courthouse, and a roller coaster like machine that kills people, debones them, and spits their bones onto a huge pile in back.
The punchline? They mainly target bankers.
Let me know if I cross over anything that sounds funny, because these are the jokes in their entirety. There's no delivery or charm, you're just supposed to be hearing these things, and rolling on the floor with laughter.
Even John Candy cross dressing doesn't do anything for the humor. It's ugly, it's dumb, and they even throw in two giant retarded fat guys in diapers.
Give me any three random highschoolers, a case full of red bull, a computer with a word processor, and a long weekend, and I guarantee you'll have a funnier movie than this one. Jesus fucking Christ...I want to ask Dan Akroyd what the hell happened. I'll even break out the Ouiji board and ask John Candy. Chevy Chase and Demi Moore I expect this from, but the rest...what happened?
I'd rather break a tooth and get a crown, than have to watch this movie ever again.
BEST SCIENCE FICTION
Let's lighten things up with Sci-fi. I have to admit, I'm nowhere as big a sci-fi fan as I am a fantasy fan, mostly because the genre as a whole feels they doesn't have to be entertaining. I'm not sure why.
Honorable Mention: Star Wars (1977)
There's plenty of room for fanboyism here, but really, it's a great movie. For the kids, there's plenty of space ships, laser sword fighting, magic powers, and HUGE explosions! For the more serious, there's a great cast, good plot, and great dialog. Nevermind that the sequels are nothing like the original movie, and that the plot was based on 'The Hidden Fortress' and the atmosphere was lifted straight out of 'Dune'. George Lucas pulled everything together and brought us a classic gem. It isn't the best though. The best goes to someone who took more risks...
BEST SCI-FI: Blade Runner: the Director's Cut (1982)
Blade Runner is a visual masterpiece, considering everything was done with models and light effects. That's right, no CGI or animation at all. That's more than enough to make it worth watching, but the story goes much further, and manages to define the disutopian sci-fi genre with its portrayal of a future that's not bright and fantastic, but crowded, dirty, dark, polluted, and enbridled with a ethically and morally questionable culture.
It's a standard, mysterious androids that look human run amok and kill people plot, but the director Ridley Scott never takes the easy way out, by dismissing them as 'evil'. The movie is designed to show how human the replicants really are, and how inhuman regular people can become, until the differences are minute, and eventually, indestinguishable. Harrison Ford plays the hard boiled detective part perfectly, and Rutger Hauer steals the show as the villain.
Their final scene together on the rooftop is one of the most poignant scenes I can ever remember seeing in a movie, not only for Rutger Hauer's speech, but for Harrison Ford's amazingly subtle reactions, as he himself, as well as the audience, begin to question what we believe.
Alright, it's not only drama. There's more than enough action to keep anyone satisfied, and a little T & A to boot.
Interestingly enough, this is the only movie I can think of where I suggest watching the original version first, and then the director's cut afterwards. The director's cut is better, but it can often be hard to follow, as the plot moves along without waiting for the audience to keep up. The original is much easier to follow, but includes a ridiculously 'super happy' ending, and some unwelcome voice overs that cause the action to stop and sputter. Don't worry, it's definitely worth watching twice.
Almost made the list
12 Monkeys (I'm not a huge Terry Gilliam fan, but this is actually quite good)
Star Trek 8: First Contact (the best of the Star Trek movies. It's quick, easy to follow, and thoroughly entertaining. Best of all: no Shatner)
Serenity (It includes everything great about the series 'Firefly', and none of the bad parts...and yes, there were many bad parts. Deal with it)
Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi (Empire got a little dark and artsy, only to slingshot in the opposite direction and become cutesy and dump by Jedi. They're both good, just not good enough)
WORST SCI-FI
Dishonorable Mention: Matrix 2 (2003)
More of an action movie than a Sci-fi, but it counts, and I want those few hours of my life back. The action, actually, is the most serviceable aspect of the movie. I'd even go as far to describe the car chase/battle involving the ghostly brothers, Morpheus, Trinity and the agents as 'awesome'.
It's too bad they felt the need to keep interrupting with French babbling, completely out of place philosophy, pointlessly bland kung-fu action, and a love scene that's almost enough to get me to swear off sex for good.
Like many other terrible sequels, everyone involved gutted out everything that made the original movie great, packed it tightly with pure ego, and marketed it as if it were the second coming of Christ.
I sincerely hope Neo's fight against all the Agent Smiths was supposed to be hilarious. I honestly rolling in the aisles.
The only thing interesting about the movie, and the Matrix series in general, is the moral ambiguity. The heroes pine over the safety and wellbeing of each other, and then go on to happily murder hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people in the Matrix. Sure, they're 'part of the system', but so were they at some point.
I wouldn't harp on it, as it is often necessary, but nobody seems to care the least when countless men, women and children die by their hands. Hell, Neo's climactic rush to save Trinity, only a single person, had to have killed at least a thousand people, most of whom had to mean as much to someone as Trinity meant to him.
The movie is pure self-absorbtion. Not only were the Wachowski brothers completely absorbed by their own arrogance when making this movie (hopefully Speed Racer took them down a few pegs), but the characters in the movie are equally self absorbed, heartless soldiers that care nothing about the innocent, defenseless, or any other lives or feelings besides their own.
It's not necessarily a bad thing to put in a movie, but it does make it hard to take all the 'religious' symbolism in the movie seriously. Jesus wouldn't kill a person even to save his own life. Neo kills a hundred people on his way to work each day. You might also note that in the sequel, he only sacrifices himself after Trinity is dead. Even that reaks of selfishness. It hurts too much to live, so he's going to kill himself. The fact it saves the world is almost coincidental.
WORST SCI-FI: Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (2002)
Sigh...
SIGH......
Say what you want about Episode I and Jar Jar, but it had its moments. Yes, we were all disappointed, but it wasn't a bad movie. Even Episode 3, with its non-stop whining, impossible to follow sword fights and stupid plot resolutions wasn't terrible. I can think of at least three scenes that drew me in.
Why, oh why did Episode 2 have to happen? There's literally NOTHING to see here. Lucas continues to devalue his own worth by forcing deep helping of politics, bland conversations, unimaginative CGI, and climactic battles that consistently fail to live up to the hype.
In every way, you'll be disappointed by this movie. It keeps setting up brilliant 'concepts' for scenes, only to horribly blow the delivery in the worst possible way. It's like watching a comedy bit between Bud Abbot and...well, Jar Jar binks.
The catina scene is shockingly forgettable (with almost no aliens at all), Jango Fett's death is stupid (although not as stupid as some suggest...he just never imagined that every shot would be blocked), Christopher Lee is completely out of place, Anakin is as likeable as a rabid badger with irritable bowel syndrome, and the ending is horribly anti-climactic.
Watch this movie, and Episodes I and III will look a LOT better. Trust me.
Well, that's all the time I have for this week (I spent way too much time on Sci-fi), but we'll be back with Robin Williams. Can you guess which movie of his drove me to call him up and convince him to start drinking again? Stay tuned.
As promised...
BEST PORN
Honorable Mention: World's Bustiest Asian...
Okay, I'm not actually going there. You can thank me later...right after you beat me senseless for going on about the worst pornos ever.
No, I'm not 'going there' in the literal sense. I won't go into that. Instead, I'm going to rant a little bit on the two worst movies that pretended to be serious, artistic, oscar-worthy films, and instead turned out to be Porn. Not even good porn.
WORST PORN
Dishonorable Mention: Caligula (1979)
Okay, picture this...
Wait...on second thought, don't.
Instead, picture an 18 year old Max, finally able to rent 'adult' movies, who doesn't have the guts to actually rent porn. Keep in mind, this is before the internet caught on.
Now, he's looking around the video store and he sees 'Caligula'. It has naked women, it's critically acclaimed, and it appears historical. Naked women and a good movie to boot! Who could ask for more?
Young Max then takes it home, sneaks it upstairs, puts it on, and is immediately scarred for life.
This movie is grotesque. It's not even historically accurate. The incest is really the tamest part. I'm all for sex and violence in movies, but NOT IN THE SAME SCENE. The best parts are merely disgusting, and I really don't want to go further into it.
To quote the hilarious (although it isn't always intentional) Roger Ebert:
"It isn't good art and it isn't good porn."
Ew...still, one redeeming scene, no doubt as a concession to investors (who were probably nearing the torch and pitchfork stage), is in the movie towards the end, involving the Roman senator's wives. It DEFINITELY isn't worth watching for it, but it makes it a little bit better than...
WORST PORN: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Story time once more. Okay, I'm at college, flipping through the channels, and I stop at the college TV station...and it's soft core porn.
Seriously.
It's fully clothed people in masks watching naked people in masks have sex. It'd be more interesting if it wasn't ridiculously 'artsy' and over-dramatic.
Suddenly, there's a little tension as one of the guys in masks (fully clothed, thankfully) is cornered and revealed as an intruder. He's ordered to take off his mask and it's...
Tom Cruise
I nearly passed out. I nearly hurled myself out the second story window, to end the nightmare. No, it was real...and it was Tom Cruise.
I had one of those 'if it wasn't for my horse' moments. My mind's racing. What the hell is Tom Cruise doing in a bad, artsy soft core porn movie?
Then it hits me...Eyes Wide Shut. The movie progresses terribly, with all the horrible acting, and no more nudity. It's bad enough that Tom Cruise is the type of actor who prepares for the role of a doctor by putting on a stethoscope, but nobody brings anything to this movie. How the hell could Kubrick, one of the best directors who ever lived, create a piece of crap like that?!
That's when it hits me. Imagine you're Kubrick. You're an old and famous director, and a dirty old man (all old men are 'dirty old men' by the way). You're in no mood to marry a gold digging, trophy wife. You can't go to a strip club, or it'd be all over the news. The internet is around, but still in the crappy AOL stage.
What do you do?
You direct a movie that's basically nothing but a strip club, and sell it off as art. Genius. It's trash, but the scam is genius. ^_^
BEST COMEDY
Along with detective/mystery, it's probably my favorite genre. Movies are supposed to be fun, and comedies are definitely that...usually.
Honorable Mention: Young Frankenstein (1974)
Of all the movies in the list, this is probably the closest any honorable mention got to winning. Gene Wilder is a comic genius (if he wasn't such a prick in real life, he'd get more acclaim), and his talent, combined with a great cast, hilarious script and top notch directing, all combined to bring us the greatest parody of all time. The 'scalpel' scene near the beginning never fails to crack me up, and if any other actor besides Gene Wilder did it, it probably wouldn't have been nearly as funny. Comedy is ultimately about subtlety and timing, and no movie does it better than...
BEST COMEDY: Clue (1985)
Yes, you probably saw this one coming, but come on:
Tim Currey
Madelain Kahn (In both top comedies, by the way)
Christopher Lloyd
Martin Mull
Michael McKean
Colleen Camp (the ludicrously hot Yvette)
Eileen Brennan
This is a cast that could only produce pure, comic gold, and surely enough they did. The plot is clever, fast moving, suprisingly realistic (everything that happens is certainly possible), and like my top action pick 'Hot Fuzz', Clue keeps escalating, starting off slow and slightly sombre, but by the end it runs like a full blown madcap comedy.
Also like Young Frankenstein, the movie would have only been 'alright' if it weren't for the experienced cast, who play off each other beautifully, with hilarious and subtle performances.
Yes, I'm a major clue fan...and I've even ranted in the past about how only the 'first' ending (the one with the 'one plus two' bit) is the only ending that makes sense...because otherwise how would the murderers know about the secret passage from the Conservatory to the Lounge? It doesn't make sense that they'd find it by chance during the few minutes left alone, and Miss Scarlet was the only one who could possibly know...
Well, you see what I mean. Still, it's a fantastic movie. Also, it cements Madelain Kahn's place as the queen of comedy. You know her rant on how much she hated Yvette? She improvised that on the spot. ^_^
Almost made it to the list
Most of the Monty Python Movies (like the series, the often get a little slow and unfunny at times...blasphemous, I know, but live with it)
Most other Mel Brooks Movies (there are many many great ones, but Young Frankestein is the best)
Oh Brother Where Art Thou (A little too serious, with too many scenes of the 'politicians', but otherwise very good)
MST3K The Movie (Yes, I'm a fanboy, but I'll give them props. The movie is tight, short, entertaining, and you don't need to be a fan to enjoy it. The end credits is the best end credits of any movie, ever)
WORST COMEDY
Dishonorable Mention: Most Adam Sandler movies
God, I hate Adam Sandler. He plays every single part with the same blank, humorless aggressiveness. He's one of those actors who believes he can phone in rolls because he oozes talent, but since he has virtually none, he just comes off as an aloof idiot.
Have a favorite Adam Sandler movie? I guarantee you he was carried along by better actors, to give the impression of talent by having other comedians provide all the humor. He's the Millie Vanilli of comedy. He's Owen Wilson without charm. He's Ben Stiller without personality. He's Rob Schneider without any shred of humility.
Alright, I'll give him Happy Gilmore, but that's it. Everything else is trash.
WORST COMEDY: Nothing but Trouble (1991)
When a man sits down with his friends to watch a movie starring Dan Akroyd, Jim Candy, Chevy Chase, and Demi Moore (back when she was hot)...a man has certain expectations. This is a very talented cast, full of veteran comedians...
So what the hell happened? This movie has all the grotesqueness of Caligula, only instead of nudity, it has wacky sound effects. For some strange reason, I keep getting the odd suspicion that Dan Akroyd's trying to be funny. Maybe it's just me.
An insane old judge with a nose that looks like a penis...yeah, that's the joke...an old backwoods courthouse, and a roller coaster like machine that kills people, debones them, and spits their bones onto a huge pile in back.
The punchline? They mainly target bankers.
Let me know if I cross over anything that sounds funny, because these are the jokes in their entirety. There's no delivery or charm, you're just supposed to be hearing these things, and rolling on the floor with laughter.
Even John Candy cross dressing doesn't do anything for the humor. It's ugly, it's dumb, and they even throw in two giant retarded fat guys in diapers.
Give me any three random highschoolers, a case full of red bull, a computer with a word processor, and a long weekend, and I guarantee you'll have a funnier movie than this one. Jesus fucking Christ...I want to ask Dan Akroyd what the hell happened. I'll even break out the Ouiji board and ask John Candy. Chevy Chase and Demi Moore I expect this from, but the rest...what happened?
I'd rather break a tooth and get a crown, than have to watch this movie ever again.
BEST SCIENCE FICTION
Let's lighten things up with Sci-fi. I have to admit, I'm nowhere as big a sci-fi fan as I am a fantasy fan, mostly because the genre as a whole feels they doesn't have to be entertaining. I'm not sure why.
Honorable Mention: Star Wars (1977)
There's plenty of room for fanboyism here, but really, it's a great movie. For the kids, there's plenty of space ships, laser sword fighting, magic powers, and HUGE explosions! For the more serious, there's a great cast, good plot, and great dialog. Nevermind that the sequels are nothing like the original movie, and that the plot was based on 'The Hidden Fortress' and the atmosphere was lifted straight out of 'Dune'. George Lucas pulled everything together and brought us a classic gem. It isn't the best though. The best goes to someone who took more risks...
BEST SCI-FI: Blade Runner: the Director's Cut (1982)
Blade Runner is a visual masterpiece, considering everything was done with models and light effects. That's right, no CGI or animation at all. That's more than enough to make it worth watching, but the story goes much further, and manages to define the disutopian sci-fi genre with its portrayal of a future that's not bright and fantastic, but crowded, dirty, dark, polluted, and enbridled with a ethically and morally questionable culture.
It's a standard, mysterious androids that look human run amok and kill people plot, but the director Ridley Scott never takes the easy way out, by dismissing them as 'evil'. The movie is designed to show how human the replicants really are, and how inhuman regular people can become, until the differences are minute, and eventually, indestinguishable. Harrison Ford plays the hard boiled detective part perfectly, and Rutger Hauer steals the show as the villain.
Their final scene together on the rooftop is one of the most poignant scenes I can ever remember seeing in a movie, not only for Rutger Hauer's speech, but for Harrison Ford's amazingly subtle reactions, as he himself, as well as the audience, begin to question what we believe.
Alright, it's not only drama. There's more than enough action to keep anyone satisfied, and a little T & A to boot.
Interestingly enough, this is the only movie I can think of where I suggest watching the original version first, and then the director's cut afterwards. The director's cut is better, but it can often be hard to follow, as the plot moves along without waiting for the audience to keep up. The original is much easier to follow, but includes a ridiculously 'super happy' ending, and some unwelcome voice overs that cause the action to stop and sputter. Don't worry, it's definitely worth watching twice.
Almost made the list
12 Monkeys (I'm not a huge Terry Gilliam fan, but this is actually quite good)
Star Trek 8: First Contact (the best of the Star Trek movies. It's quick, easy to follow, and thoroughly entertaining. Best of all: no Shatner)
Serenity (It includes everything great about the series 'Firefly', and none of the bad parts...and yes, there were many bad parts. Deal with it)
Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi (Empire got a little dark and artsy, only to slingshot in the opposite direction and become cutesy and dump by Jedi. They're both good, just not good enough)
WORST SCI-FI
Dishonorable Mention: Matrix 2 (2003)
More of an action movie than a Sci-fi, but it counts, and I want those few hours of my life back. The action, actually, is the most serviceable aspect of the movie. I'd even go as far to describe the car chase/battle involving the ghostly brothers, Morpheus, Trinity and the agents as 'awesome'.
It's too bad they felt the need to keep interrupting with French babbling, completely out of place philosophy, pointlessly bland kung-fu action, and a love scene that's almost enough to get me to swear off sex for good.
Like many other terrible sequels, everyone involved gutted out everything that made the original movie great, packed it tightly with pure ego, and marketed it as if it were the second coming of Christ.
I sincerely hope Neo's fight against all the Agent Smiths was supposed to be hilarious. I honestly rolling in the aisles.
The only thing interesting about the movie, and the Matrix series in general, is the moral ambiguity. The heroes pine over the safety and wellbeing of each other, and then go on to happily murder hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people in the Matrix. Sure, they're 'part of the system', but so were they at some point.
I wouldn't harp on it, as it is often necessary, but nobody seems to care the least when countless men, women and children die by their hands. Hell, Neo's climactic rush to save Trinity, only a single person, had to have killed at least a thousand people, most of whom had to mean as much to someone as Trinity meant to him.
The movie is pure self-absorbtion. Not only were the Wachowski brothers completely absorbed by their own arrogance when making this movie (hopefully Speed Racer took them down a few pegs), but the characters in the movie are equally self absorbed, heartless soldiers that care nothing about the innocent, defenseless, or any other lives or feelings besides their own.
It's not necessarily a bad thing to put in a movie, but it does make it hard to take all the 'religious' symbolism in the movie seriously. Jesus wouldn't kill a person even to save his own life. Neo kills a hundred people on his way to work each day. You might also note that in the sequel, he only sacrifices himself after Trinity is dead. Even that reaks of selfishness. It hurts too much to live, so he's going to kill himself. The fact it saves the world is almost coincidental.
WORST SCI-FI: Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (2002)
Sigh...
SIGH......
Say what you want about Episode I and Jar Jar, but it had its moments. Yes, we were all disappointed, but it wasn't a bad movie. Even Episode 3, with its non-stop whining, impossible to follow sword fights and stupid plot resolutions wasn't terrible. I can think of at least three scenes that drew me in.
Why, oh why did Episode 2 have to happen? There's literally NOTHING to see here. Lucas continues to devalue his own worth by forcing deep helping of politics, bland conversations, unimaginative CGI, and climactic battles that consistently fail to live up to the hype.
In every way, you'll be disappointed by this movie. It keeps setting up brilliant 'concepts' for scenes, only to horribly blow the delivery in the worst possible way. It's like watching a comedy bit between Bud Abbot and...well, Jar Jar binks.
The catina scene is shockingly forgettable (with almost no aliens at all), Jango Fett's death is stupid (although not as stupid as some suggest...he just never imagined that every shot would be blocked), Christopher Lee is completely out of place, Anakin is as likeable as a rabid badger with irritable bowel syndrome, and the ending is horribly anti-climactic.
Watch this movie, and Episodes I and III will look a LOT better. Trust me.
Well, that's all the time I have for this week (I spent way too much time on Sci-fi), but we'll be back with Robin Williams. Can you guess which movie of his drove me to call him up and convince him to start drinking again? Stay tuned.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
OBLIGATORY SHORT POLITICAL RANT AND AFTERWARD
Okay, I'm just going to rant on one vaguely political issue, and then go on to a regular post. If you want, just hum 'American Pie' to yourself until the rant is over.
The internet is going wild with people throwing tantrums over the bill recently passed in the house, that gives us more protections against government wiretapping, but simultenously excuses the phone companies for giving the private information of its customers over to the government.
If you hop over to Fark, you'll be able to see countless people crying that by not holding the phone companies responsible, we're becoming slaves to our corporate masters...or some crap like that.
I'm glad the phone companies weren't held responsible. They aren't responsible.
It's not the phone company's job to decide if handing information over is necessary to preserve national security, it's the government's, so when the government asked for the information (even though it wasn't really within their right to do so), it's understandable that the phone companies complied.
Say you're a landlord, and police officers show up, telling you that there's an emergency, and they need to be let into one of the rooms in order to save a life, even though they don't have a warrant. Let's say there actually isn't an emergency, and the police just wanted to illegally search through those apartments.
Should the landlord be held accountable for letting them in? Of course not. The authorities are the ones with the power and right to declare whether a situation is an emergency, or if extreme measures must be taken, so it wasn't their place to question their request. The fact it was a lie doesn't make the landlord guilty, and the fact the phone companies complied with the government doesn't make them guilty either.
Look at it this way: what if it WAS necessary, and handing over the information prevented a major terrorist attack? Would they be facing these same lawsuits? Of course not, they'd be lauded as heroes.
What if the information WAS necessary, but it was withheld, and allowed another terrorist attack on the United States? Do you think the democrats would be applauding the phone companies as champions of civil rights? Of course not! They'd be tearing them to shreds, as would everyone else.
It's not the job of phone companies to question the government, or decide what is and is not necessary in order for the nation to be secure. That's the government's job. If they did something wrong, then they have to be held accountable, not the companies that complied with their orders.
...
Thank you. This has only been a test. Had this been a real emergency, it would have been on TV, rather than on the internet.
NO BLOG WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A BEST AND WORST MOVIE RANT
How could I have gone so long without ranting about my favorite and least favorite movies? That, along with fascist/hippie political opinions (see above) is the primary purpose of blogs in general.
I'm going to break this down between a few posts, at allow for sufficient ranting, and in order to keep the list from being clogged with 80's comedies and film noir detective movies, I'm going by genre.
As a last note, some of these 'worst' movies aren't 'bad' per se, but simply insulted me on a personal, spiritual level. Some of them could probably even be considered by some as 'good', but if you turned them on while I was in the room, I'd march right out the front door, regardless if I was watching it at a good friend's house, bachelor party, or plane.
BEST ACTION/ADVENTURE
I've actually seperated the 'suspense', 'samurai/cowboy' and 'mystery' movies out of this genre, to list them seperately, and am defining 'action/adventure' as any movie where people fire guns while leaping through the air, crash cars intentionally, or spend a good amount of the movie running from things. Spielburg, I'm looking at you.
Honorable Mention: Drunken Master (1978)
No, not the 1994 version, but that's good too. The original Drunken Master was a triumph of low budget karate/action. Besides Jackie Chan, and the cost of a few stunt men, there really wasn't a budget at all. Regardless, Jackie treats us to hilarious comedy which translates well from culture to culture, nearly non-stop glorious action, and a final fight which is legendary. The funny thing is, the environment seems like 1800's China, but in the sequel, it's closer to modern China. The fact is, the movie works either way. It isn't about the setting, it's about ACTION ACTION ACTION!
Best Action Movie: Hot Fuzz (2007)
I absolutely adore this movie. Not only is it hilarious, entertaining and filled with ridiculous violence, but it keeps escalating. Instead of dragging along or tapering off, the movie just keeps getting better and better, all the way to the very end. It's nothing short of the greatest action movie ever made. Will Smith and Marin Lawrence would be proud...wait, they're not dead. They are proud then. They better be proud.
Didn't quite make the list, but still very good
Most of the Indiana Jones movies (they're all a little too slow in the middle, but still great)
Iron Man (A little light on action, but a fantastic movie none-the-less)
12 O'Clock High (Great war movie about WW2 daylight bombing, with real life footage)
Lethal Weapon 2 (A little too schticky, but otherwise great, especially the ending)
WORST ACTION/ADVENTURE
Dishonorable Mention: Water World (1995)
This movie is basically the exact opposite of entertainment. The action is dull, the plot twists make no sense, and the parts that aren't disgusting or ridiculous, are simply boring instead. If it weren't for a standout performance by Dennis Hopper, it would have been the worst action movie ever.
Worst Action Movie: Mortal Kombat 2
Yeah, get used to seeing sequels in the 'worst' parts of the list. Mortal Kombat 2 breaks several major sins by not only replacing most of the stars and revising the ending of the first movie, which I honestly enjoyed, but they also kill off the best character of the first movie in the first 5 minutes. This movie is complete garbage, with only two things to show for it: a few semi-hot actresses, and Tony Jaa, from Ong Bak. Yes, Liu Kang has some amazing karate moves and stunts throughout the movie, but they're all in thanks to his stunt double, Tony Jaa. Sorry Tony, your moves are great (especially at the end), but it's not enough to get us through this garbage.
BEST SPORTS MOVIE
I'll admit it, I'm not really into sports movies. There really are only three: the one where they win at the end, the one where they lose at the end, and the one where someone dies at the end. If you've seen one of each, you've pretty much seen them all. Still, here are my favorites.
Honorable Mention: Major League (1989)
Yeah, it's really closer to a straight comedy than a sports movie, which shows how little I appreciate the genre. Still, several standout performances by...well, just about everyone really. Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Charles Cyphers, and more. It's hilarious, sympathetic, and has a large number of really good characters as well.
Best Sports Movie: Any Given Sunday (1999)
Man, this movie only has a 6.5/10 rating on IMDB, but I swear, it blows me away. The dizzying, high stakes, violent world of Football is brilliantly portrayed by Oliver Stone, and Al Pacino steals the show as the team's coach. Like many good movies, it shows many different perspectives, to give you a good idea of the big picture. Sure, Stone lays it on thick, with over the top effects and symbolism, but it goes a long way to show you what the players are actually experiencing. As an added bonus, the big game at the end of the movie isn't really that 'big' a game in the grand scheme of things. It's only the first game of the play-offs, and win or lose, they don't really have a chance in hell of getting much further, and they know it. That doesn't stop them from giving it all they have, and playing as if it's more important than life itself. I can't fully understand that mind set, but I respect it.
Almost made it to the list:
Wildcats (Mediocre comedy, but that isn't the point. Goldie Hawn has a nude scene. And this was back when you wanted to see her naked. Nuff said. If you're a girl, then there's also Woody Harrelson's bare rear end, again when I assume you'd want to see it. There's something for everyone.)
WORST SPORTS MOVIE
Dishonorable Mention: Rudy (1993)
Yeah, yeah, quit your griping. I really liked the ending too. You know what I didn't like? The hour and fifteen minutes BEFORE the ending. This movie is slowwwwwwwww...
Worst Sports Movie: Aspen Extreme (1993)
1993 was just a really bad year for sports movies, I guess. Rather fittingly, the worst sports movie ever is also about the most boring sport ever. No, it's not about a race or competitive skiing. The competitors...get ready for this...skii in teams, criss crossing over eachother's path, like a double-helix or infinity symbol, as far as they can down a mountain.
That's it. Yes, the big triumphant scene at the end involves the heroes doing those criss-cross girly moves all the way down the mountain...slightly better than the bad guys. Be still my heart.
BEST FANTASY MOVIE
I decided to split sci-fi and fantasy...basically because the genres have nothing to do with eachother. The only reason they're grouped together in video stores is because they have the same geeky fan base, and there aren't enough 'good' examples of either genre to fill an entire shelf. Here we go.
Honorable Mention: Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Yes Pat...look at it...you can't deny it. Oh come on, didn't you love the Tom Bombadil scene? You know you did. ^_^
Anyway, this movie is fantastic, and easily my favorite of the trilogy. The characters, story, action and comedy all flow together in a complete package, and leaves you desperate for more. The sequels got a little bogged down by the over the top action and scenery though (especially after they got back to the ruined shire with the human invaders, where Merry and Pippen went all wire-fu on Wormtongue and Saruman).
Best Fantasy Movie: Labyrinth (1986)
Before we go on to Labyrinth, let me talk about 'Dark Crystal'. Dark Crystal is an amazing, if somewhat flawed movie. It's great because it created its own mythology from scrap, brough us amazing creatures and incredibly in-depth history and characters. Like Fantasia, Dark Crystal was an incredibly ambitious project created by a genius (Jim Hensen), aimed at a more mature audience, masterfully created, and likewise doomed to become a short-term commercial failure.
Like Fantasia, Dark Crystal lacked mass appeal, especially from the supposed target audience, young children. The story was dark and occassionally gruesome despite its brilliance, and the main gelfling characters are a little too disturbingly realistic for them to be cute. That being said, I'd marry Kira in a heartbeat.
The point is, Jim Hensen learned from his mistakes, and managed to take everything that was great about Dark Crystal, remove everything that didn't work, and put it all into Labyrinth. Not only did Jim Hensen direct, but Terry Jones (from Monty Python) wrote it. Now there's a tag team that can take over the world.
The visuals are absolutely stunning, the story is great, the special effects seem far more realistic than anything that's come out recently, because puppets look far more real than CGI. David Bowie does ham it up a bit, but with this role it's actually called for, and Jennifer Connelly plays her part so well that I keep forgetting it's Jennifer Connelly (even though she's the oldest 15 year old I've ever seen). Brilliant, imaginative, and thoroughly entertaining, all combined with Bowie's great music. There simply isn't anything not to like.
Nearly made it onto the list:
Ghostbusters (far more of a fantasy than a sci-fi, while dipping also into comedy and action/adventure, but overall a humorous fantasy and a timeless classic)
Willow (screw the nay sayers, I really liked Willow. It's dark, realistic, visually stunning, and it's Val Kilmer's best performance ever)
Mirror Mask (incredibly original, with great performances, a beautiful soundtrack, and a perfect blend of fantasy and reality. Stephen Fry's guest spot as the 'historian' is classic. Believe it or not, he managed it in only one take, with a brief interruption in the middle for a call to his mother. LOOK! AN IDIOT!)
WORST FANTASY MOVIE
Dishonorable Mention: Time Bandits (1981)
Some people swear by this gross, ridiculous, confusing cluster-fuck of a movie, although I'm not sure why. I was a kid when I first saw this, and I didn't understand or enjoy a single thing. I saw it again as an adult and understood half of it and enjoyed only one thing (the hilariously anti-climactic end battle). This movie was admittedly original, and did a lot with relatively little, but that's Terry Gilliam's hallmark. Nothing, however, excuses the fact that the characters are forgettable, that the plot dips a little too far away from farce and into stupidity, and the ending didn't resolve or explain anything.
Half of Terry Gilliam's movies are like a fart in the face. Some people might find that hilarious, but I think it's juvenille, especially since the audience is on the receiving end.
Worst Fantasy Movie: Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)
What the hell is it with 1993?! Anyway, you probably haven't heard of it unless you're a fan of MST3K, but let me assure you, there's nothing really to see here, besides an adequate 'I'm doing this for the paycheck' performance by David Warner, better known as the villain from Tron, Irenicus from Baldur's Gate 2, and virtually every other B movie you can think of. This Emmy winning actor never turned down a part in his life, but he's great for adding a little class and sophistication to an otherwise mediocre movie or show.
Delta Knights obviously wanted the most bang for their buck, because they have him portray two...that's right, two of the characters in the movie. No, the characters aren't related, they just decided to use him as the young hero's mentor, and after throwing on a black wig, had him play the villain as well. I think we even have a movie 'first' when his villain character kills his hero character.
No wait, Gene Wilder did the same thing in 'Start the Revolution Without Me'. We can't even give Delta Knights that.
Calling this pile a crap a fantasy is a stretch, but what else could it be called? Anyway, the clothes and sets are straight out of a renaissance faire...and not even a good one, the script was most likely written over a long lunch break, and the characters are thoroughly unlikeable. The hero is stupid, the sidekick is a soulless horndog (who's supposed to be Leonardo Da Vinci...who was a horndog I guess...just not for women), and the missing princess is discovered to be working as a prostitute.
Yes, the movie goes to lengths to say she was 'forced' into it, but not only didn't she seem very 'forced', as there was absolutely nothing preventing her from walking right out the door, but she also seemed quite content, healthy and successful in her 'trade'. In fact, she was eagerly trying to talk the 12-13 year old hero into bed when she met him.
Needless to say, I'm not buying it...still, I can definitely see the way that situation could happen. The heroes walk in, find the princess sitting on the lap of a sailor, laughing hysterically, only to suddenly announce after seeing her would be rescuers, "Oh no! Just look at what I'm being forced in to! Thank goodness the heroes are here to free me from my horrible predicament!" Yeah, sure honey. She made Paris Hilton look 'reluctant'.
The above rant is the only joy I got out of that movie.
Well that's it for this week. Next week's genre: porn. ^_^
Okay, I'm just going to rant on one vaguely political issue, and then go on to a regular post. If you want, just hum 'American Pie' to yourself until the rant is over.
The internet is going wild with people throwing tantrums over the bill recently passed in the house, that gives us more protections against government wiretapping, but simultenously excuses the phone companies for giving the private information of its customers over to the government.
If you hop over to Fark, you'll be able to see countless people crying that by not holding the phone companies responsible, we're becoming slaves to our corporate masters...or some crap like that.
I'm glad the phone companies weren't held responsible. They aren't responsible.
It's not the phone company's job to decide if handing information over is necessary to preserve national security, it's the government's, so when the government asked for the information (even though it wasn't really within their right to do so), it's understandable that the phone companies complied.
Say you're a landlord, and police officers show up, telling you that there's an emergency, and they need to be let into one of the rooms in order to save a life, even though they don't have a warrant. Let's say there actually isn't an emergency, and the police just wanted to illegally search through those apartments.
Should the landlord be held accountable for letting them in? Of course not. The authorities are the ones with the power and right to declare whether a situation is an emergency, or if extreme measures must be taken, so it wasn't their place to question their request. The fact it was a lie doesn't make the landlord guilty, and the fact the phone companies complied with the government doesn't make them guilty either.
Look at it this way: what if it WAS necessary, and handing over the information prevented a major terrorist attack? Would they be facing these same lawsuits? Of course not, they'd be lauded as heroes.
What if the information WAS necessary, but it was withheld, and allowed another terrorist attack on the United States? Do you think the democrats would be applauding the phone companies as champions of civil rights? Of course not! They'd be tearing them to shreds, as would everyone else.
It's not the job of phone companies to question the government, or decide what is and is not necessary in order for the nation to be secure. That's the government's job. If they did something wrong, then they have to be held accountable, not the companies that complied with their orders.
...
Thank you. This has only been a test. Had this been a real emergency, it would have been on TV, rather than on the internet.
NO BLOG WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A BEST AND WORST MOVIE RANT
How could I have gone so long without ranting about my favorite and least favorite movies? That, along with fascist/hippie political opinions (see above) is the primary purpose of blogs in general.
I'm going to break this down between a few posts, at allow for sufficient ranting, and in order to keep the list from being clogged with 80's comedies and film noir detective movies, I'm going by genre.
As a last note, some of these 'worst' movies aren't 'bad' per se, but simply insulted me on a personal, spiritual level. Some of them could probably even be considered by some as 'good', but if you turned them on while I was in the room, I'd march right out the front door, regardless if I was watching it at a good friend's house, bachelor party, or plane.
BEST ACTION/ADVENTURE
I've actually seperated the 'suspense', 'samurai/cowboy' and 'mystery' movies out of this genre, to list them seperately, and am defining 'action/adventure' as any movie where people fire guns while leaping through the air, crash cars intentionally, or spend a good amount of the movie running from things. Spielburg, I'm looking at you.
Honorable Mention: Drunken Master (1978)
No, not the 1994 version, but that's good too. The original Drunken Master was a triumph of low budget karate/action. Besides Jackie Chan, and the cost of a few stunt men, there really wasn't a budget at all. Regardless, Jackie treats us to hilarious comedy which translates well from culture to culture, nearly non-stop glorious action, and a final fight which is legendary. The funny thing is, the environment seems like 1800's China, but in the sequel, it's closer to modern China. The fact is, the movie works either way. It isn't about the setting, it's about ACTION ACTION ACTION!
Best Action Movie: Hot Fuzz (2007)
I absolutely adore this movie. Not only is it hilarious, entertaining and filled with ridiculous violence, but it keeps escalating. Instead of dragging along or tapering off, the movie just keeps getting better and better, all the way to the very end. It's nothing short of the greatest action movie ever made. Will Smith and Marin Lawrence would be proud...wait, they're not dead. They are proud then. They better be proud.
Didn't quite make the list, but still very good
Most of the Indiana Jones movies (they're all a little too slow in the middle, but still great)
Iron Man (A little light on action, but a fantastic movie none-the-less)
12 O'Clock High (Great war movie about WW2 daylight bombing, with real life footage)
Lethal Weapon 2 (A little too schticky, but otherwise great, especially the ending)
WORST ACTION/ADVENTURE
Dishonorable Mention: Water World (1995)
This movie is basically the exact opposite of entertainment. The action is dull, the plot twists make no sense, and the parts that aren't disgusting or ridiculous, are simply boring instead. If it weren't for a standout performance by Dennis Hopper, it would have been the worst action movie ever.
Worst Action Movie: Mortal Kombat 2
Yeah, get used to seeing sequels in the 'worst' parts of the list. Mortal Kombat 2 breaks several major sins by not only replacing most of the stars and revising the ending of the first movie, which I honestly enjoyed, but they also kill off the best character of the first movie in the first 5 minutes. This movie is complete garbage, with only two things to show for it: a few semi-hot actresses, and Tony Jaa, from Ong Bak. Yes, Liu Kang has some amazing karate moves and stunts throughout the movie, but they're all in thanks to his stunt double, Tony Jaa. Sorry Tony, your moves are great (especially at the end), but it's not enough to get us through this garbage.
BEST SPORTS MOVIE
I'll admit it, I'm not really into sports movies. There really are only three: the one where they win at the end, the one where they lose at the end, and the one where someone dies at the end. If you've seen one of each, you've pretty much seen them all. Still, here are my favorites.
Honorable Mention: Major League (1989)
Yeah, it's really closer to a straight comedy than a sports movie, which shows how little I appreciate the genre. Still, several standout performances by...well, just about everyone really. Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Charles Cyphers, and more. It's hilarious, sympathetic, and has a large number of really good characters as well.
Best Sports Movie: Any Given Sunday (1999)
Man, this movie only has a 6.5/10 rating on IMDB, but I swear, it blows me away. The dizzying, high stakes, violent world of Football is brilliantly portrayed by Oliver Stone, and Al Pacino steals the show as the team's coach. Like many good movies, it shows many different perspectives, to give you a good idea of the big picture. Sure, Stone lays it on thick, with over the top effects and symbolism, but it goes a long way to show you what the players are actually experiencing. As an added bonus, the big game at the end of the movie isn't really that 'big' a game in the grand scheme of things. It's only the first game of the play-offs, and win or lose, they don't really have a chance in hell of getting much further, and they know it. That doesn't stop them from giving it all they have, and playing as if it's more important than life itself. I can't fully understand that mind set, but I respect it.
Almost made it to the list:
Wildcats (Mediocre comedy, but that isn't the point. Goldie Hawn has a nude scene. And this was back when you wanted to see her naked. Nuff said. If you're a girl, then there's also Woody Harrelson's bare rear end, again when I assume you'd want to see it. There's something for everyone.)
WORST SPORTS MOVIE
Dishonorable Mention: Rudy (1993)
Yeah, yeah, quit your griping. I really liked the ending too. You know what I didn't like? The hour and fifteen minutes BEFORE the ending. This movie is slowwwwwwwww...
Worst Sports Movie: Aspen Extreme (1993)
1993 was just a really bad year for sports movies, I guess. Rather fittingly, the worst sports movie ever is also about the most boring sport ever. No, it's not about a race or competitive skiing. The competitors...get ready for this...skii in teams, criss crossing over eachother's path, like a double-helix or infinity symbol, as far as they can down a mountain.
That's it. Yes, the big triumphant scene at the end involves the heroes doing those criss-cross girly moves all the way down the mountain...slightly better than the bad guys. Be still my heart.
BEST FANTASY MOVIE
I decided to split sci-fi and fantasy...basically because the genres have nothing to do with eachother. The only reason they're grouped together in video stores is because they have the same geeky fan base, and there aren't enough 'good' examples of either genre to fill an entire shelf. Here we go.
Honorable Mention: Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Yes Pat...look at it...you can't deny it. Oh come on, didn't you love the Tom Bombadil scene? You know you did. ^_^
Anyway, this movie is fantastic, and easily my favorite of the trilogy. The characters, story, action and comedy all flow together in a complete package, and leaves you desperate for more. The sequels got a little bogged down by the over the top action and scenery though (especially after they got back to the ruined shire with the human invaders, where Merry and Pippen went all wire-fu on Wormtongue and Saruman).
Best Fantasy Movie: Labyrinth (1986)
Before we go on to Labyrinth, let me talk about 'Dark Crystal'. Dark Crystal is an amazing, if somewhat flawed movie. It's great because it created its own mythology from scrap, brough us amazing creatures and incredibly in-depth history and characters. Like Fantasia, Dark Crystal was an incredibly ambitious project created by a genius (Jim Hensen), aimed at a more mature audience, masterfully created, and likewise doomed to become a short-term commercial failure.
Like Fantasia, Dark Crystal lacked mass appeal, especially from the supposed target audience, young children. The story was dark and occassionally gruesome despite its brilliance, and the main gelfling characters are a little too disturbingly realistic for them to be cute. That being said, I'd marry Kira in a heartbeat.
The point is, Jim Hensen learned from his mistakes, and managed to take everything that was great about Dark Crystal, remove everything that didn't work, and put it all into Labyrinth. Not only did Jim Hensen direct, but Terry Jones (from Monty Python) wrote it. Now there's a tag team that can take over the world.
The visuals are absolutely stunning, the story is great, the special effects seem far more realistic than anything that's come out recently, because puppets look far more real than CGI. David Bowie does ham it up a bit, but with this role it's actually called for, and Jennifer Connelly plays her part so well that I keep forgetting it's Jennifer Connelly (even though she's the oldest 15 year old I've ever seen). Brilliant, imaginative, and thoroughly entertaining, all combined with Bowie's great music. There simply isn't anything not to like.
Nearly made it onto the list:
Ghostbusters (far more of a fantasy than a sci-fi, while dipping also into comedy and action/adventure, but overall a humorous fantasy and a timeless classic)
Willow (screw the nay sayers, I really liked Willow. It's dark, realistic, visually stunning, and it's Val Kilmer's best performance ever)
Mirror Mask (incredibly original, with great performances, a beautiful soundtrack, and a perfect blend of fantasy and reality. Stephen Fry's guest spot as the 'historian' is classic. Believe it or not, he managed it in only one take, with a brief interruption in the middle for a call to his mother. LOOK! AN IDIOT!)
WORST FANTASY MOVIE
Dishonorable Mention: Time Bandits (1981)
Some people swear by this gross, ridiculous, confusing cluster-fuck of a movie, although I'm not sure why. I was a kid when I first saw this, and I didn't understand or enjoy a single thing. I saw it again as an adult and understood half of it and enjoyed only one thing (the hilariously anti-climactic end battle). This movie was admittedly original, and did a lot with relatively little, but that's Terry Gilliam's hallmark. Nothing, however, excuses the fact that the characters are forgettable, that the plot dips a little too far away from farce and into stupidity, and the ending didn't resolve or explain anything.
Half of Terry Gilliam's movies are like a fart in the face. Some people might find that hilarious, but I think it's juvenille, especially since the audience is on the receiving end.
Worst Fantasy Movie: Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)
What the hell is it with 1993?! Anyway, you probably haven't heard of it unless you're a fan of MST3K, but let me assure you, there's nothing really to see here, besides an adequate 'I'm doing this for the paycheck' performance by David Warner, better known as the villain from Tron, Irenicus from Baldur's Gate 2, and virtually every other B movie you can think of. This Emmy winning actor never turned down a part in his life, but he's great for adding a little class and sophistication to an otherwise mediocre movie or show.
Delta Knights obviously wanted the most bang for their buck, because they have him portray two...that's right, two of the characters in the movie. No, the characters aren't related, they just decided to use him as the young hero's mentor, and after throwing on a black wig, had him play the villain as well. I think we even have a movie 'first' when his villain character kills his hero character.
No wait, Gene Wilder did the same thing in 'Start the Revolution Without Me'. We can't even give Delta Knights that.
Calling this pile a crap a fantasy is a stretch, but what else could it be called? Anyway, the clothes and sets are straight out of a renaissance faire...and not even a good one, the script was most likely written over a long lunch break, and the characters are thoroughly unlikeable. The hero is stupid, the sidekick is a soulless horndog (who's supposed to be Leonardo Da Vinci...who was a horndog I guess...just not for women), and the missing princess is discovered to be working as a prostitute.
Yes, the movie goes to lengths to say she was 'forced' into it, but not only didn't she seem very 'forced', as there was absolutely nothing preventing her from walking right out the door, but she also seemed quite content, healthy and successful in her 'trade'. In fact, she was eagerly trying to talk the 12-13 year old hero into bed when she met him.
Needless to say, I'm not buying it...still, I can definitely see the way that situation could happen. The heroes walk in, find the princess sitting on the lap of a sailor, laughing hysterically, only to suddenly announce after seeing her would be rescuers, "Oh no! Just look at what I'm being forced in to! Thank goodness the heroes are here to free me from my horrible predicament!" Yeah, sure honey. She made Paris Hilton look 'reluctant'.
The above rant is the only joy I got out of that movie.
Well that's it for this week. Next week's genre: porn. ^_^
Saturday, June 07, 2008
TA DA! (and afterward)
I FINALLY finished writing 'Kutztown', which has taken far too long, mostly due to countless re-edits. I'd get about finished, and realize that the stuff I wrote earlier wasn't very good, so I had to start over and by then the rest didn't look so good...did I ever tell you why the computer programmer died in the shower?
The shampoo instructions said: wash, rinse, repeat.
Anyway, here's the link to the chapters. I still need to edit them a bit more (based on reviewer's feedback), but for all intensive purposes, it's finished:
Kutztown
Painfully Sweet
(I make no apologies for the inherent bitterness below. ^_^)
Okay, after suffering yet another painful lash at the hands of an unassuming woman, I must at least give an attempt at explaining something to all the women out there.
There are just some things you don't call a man, especially if you're a woman. The problem is, these words aren't always obvious.
Men don't have a problem being called scum. Tell them they're jerks, assholes, or human garbage, and they won't blink an eye. Inform us that you're seriously considering paying a man a large sum of money to murder us in our sleep, and we'll just keep eating our lunch.
No, the real killing words (that's right, I'm going for the Dune references) aren't so obvious. Below I've listed a adjective you don't want to attach to a man unless you really want to crush his soul, and burn his self-esteem into a tiny black cinder:
Nice.
Never tell a man he's 'nice', unless you actually want to destroy him, and if that's the case, you can follow up by viciously informing him he's...
Great.
OOOOOF! Man, I can still feel the sting from that one. Of course if you really want to put him out for the night, as he's staggering helplessly on his feet, desperate to salvage any sort of self worth, finish him off Muhammad Ali style with...
You're such a sweet guy.
That's it. Referee desperately dives in the way, to stop the beating. The man is twitching helplessly on the floor while the press dives in to interview you, Rocky IV style.
This information will probably surprise most women, as these words were obviously meant as compliments, to build up the man's self esteem. Why would it have the exact opposite effect?
To put it bluntly, men are shallow, simple creatures. We're basically all juvenille misfits with egos as fragile as glass, and I guarantee you, no man cares too much about 'how wonderful a person he is'.
What do they care about then? That women find them attractive. If not attractive, then at least appealing in some sort of romantic context.
Paradoxically, it doesn't really matter if it comes from a woman the man would ever actually sleep with. That's why you get middle aged suburban men sucking their gut in at the beach, when college girls walk by. Those men don't actually believe the college girls would ever give them their number, and they wouldn't (most likely, I can't speak for all men) call them in any case.
Men are childish, insecure and need to feel sexually appealing. There's no way of making that sound like an achievement, but there it is.
So why are the words 'nice', 'great' and 'sweet' such downers?
Okay, stop and think about those words for a moment. Focus on the part of your mind that contains those words. Imagine them as a column of words, with no doubt also contains words like 'considerate', 'helpful', and 'kind'.
Can you see the title of that column? If not, I can read it for you:
TRAITS WOMEN WISH ALL MEN HAD, BUT HAVE ZERO SEX APPEAL IN THEMSELVES
These aren't the traits of the dashing, handsome, one-eyed hero found in romance novels. These of the traits of the protagonist's 'good friend' who no doubt loves the protagonist, but is perfectly understanding when he gets dumped in favor of the far sexier hero. This is the column of Bill Pullman, rather than Tom Hanks. Jimmy Olsen, rather than Clark Kent. Milhouse, rather than Nelson. That guy in Hellboy who wasn't Hellboy, rather than Hellboy. This is their list.
What happens to these poor guys? Well, if the author is a woman, she usually pairs him off with a random less appealing girl (who probably doesn't have a chance in hell with the main guy, so the theory can work both ways), usually created solely for the purpose of giving them a girlfriend, or as we in the industry like to call it: 'Rowling-ed' or perhaps 'Ranma-ed'.
If the author is a man, the rejected guy usually gets killed. From a male perspective, this is usually kinder.
Nonesense, you're probably saying. Any girl would want a guy to have these obviously positive qualities. In response to that, I give these 3 pieces of evidence:
1. Women don't want men who have these qualities, they want THEIR men to have these qualities. They want these qualities instilled in the men they're already with, which only proves that the men they do go out with usually never have these qualities to begin with.
In fact this situaion often leads to the paradoxial phrase: 'I wish I could go out with a guy more like you.' This always has the added subliminal message, 'but not you, specifically'. Yes, she's saying exactly what it sounds like: 'I wish I could find a guy who has your positive qualities, but none of your negative ones.' Apparently, this is meant as some sort of compliment, but I'm not sure why or how.
2. Every man has this inherent, genetically instilled insecurity. So where are the men who don't have it? Well, they obviously all died out millions of years ago. Our juvenille, insecure nature is a testament to the fact that every guy who felt perfectly content with being a 'good friend' all died without mating. Ladies, Darwin is against you on this one.
Imagine a woman talking to a man, and describing her current boyfriend as an uncaring, insensitive asshole. Oh, I bet you can even imagine the guy she's talking to, as she tells him that she loves his qualities, and wishes her jerk boyfriend had them. Finally, she breaks up with the jerk boyfriend. Who does she go out with now? Does she follow through with what she said?
Of course not! 45% chance she's now going out with an identicaly jerk boyfriend, 45% chance she's gotten back together with a previous (or the same) jerk boyfriend, and 10% she's sworn off dating altogether. The punchline being, of course, that the 'sensitive' guy was already disqualified. He was disqualified the second she met him. If he wasn't disqualified, she wouldn't be talking to him about it. Why was he disqualified, and the men his female friend describes as 'horrible' rated so much higher?
A nearly infinite number of books have been written on the subject, but I think the answer's simple: in part, the decision was made for her, by a part of her brain she isn't willing to admit even exists. I'm not saying that part of the brain decided for her who she was going to date, but there's a very good chance it decided for her who she WASN'T going to date.
Men are no better, of course, but men have the exact opposite brain effect. For men, that part of the brain is thrown in reverse.
So men want to sleep with the sensitive friend rather than the attractive bad one?
No, they want to sleep with both!
...and those girl's sisters...and their 40something year old mothers...and the lady who brings the mail to their house...and possibly her mother too.
That's why men can't understand why women wouldn't be interested in a man they like. To help illustrate, here's the same sentence said by both a man and a woman, with the true meaning in parantheses:
WOMAN: "You're such a caring person."
(I will not date you, but I want you to keep acting the same way, regardless)
MAN: "You're such a caring person."
(Let's fuck)
3. This is the most vital point:
I'm almost certainly wrong.
Some or all of what I've said most likely has no basis in reality. It doesn't matter. What's important is that men BELIEVE all this. We can't help it.
When we hear that we're kind, nice, sweet, or a great friend and wonderful guy, you're more likely to drive us to drink than boost our esteem.
So what's the answer? Just as with pets, the solution is to reward behavior, rather than giving them labels.
When a guy does what you want them to do, tell them you think the BEHAVIOR is nice, kind or sweet. They're not a 'sweet' person, but what they're doing is very 'sweet'. Say that you really like it when men do that particular thing, or act that particular way. This is also the reason guys already in relationships tend to turn into jerks.
What happens when you tell a dog that he's 'good', when he isn't doing anything? The dog might be happy, but the dog also gets lazy, because he no longer has to work for your approval. If you withold the treat until they actually are in the process of doing something good, then they work for it, and you're both happy.
So why do 'nice' guys get bitter? We never get any treats. Oh, and the starchy, diet 'I'm sure you'll someday make a woman very happy' treats don't cut it. The high sugar 'you're looking very nice today' treats are good though. The high in unsaturated fat 'let me introduce you to my friend/sister/cousin' treats work great too. The 'you'll make a very good father' treat can also work, as long you don't throw in 'for some woman' onto it (the equivalent of balancing the treat on his nose).
Don't tell us we're good, reward us for being good. The difference is often subtle, but trust me, it makes all the difference in the world.
Just don't get us fixed (translation: tell us that you like us, but not in that way), it's kinder just to put us down (translation: shoot us in the head).
Always half kidding,
Max
I FINALLY finished writing 'Kutztown', which has taken far too long, mostly due to countless re-edits. I'd get about finished, and realize that the stuff I wrote earlier wasn't very good, so I had to start over and by then the rest didn't look so good...did I ever tell you why the computer programmer died in the shower?
The shampoo instructions said: wash, rinse, repeat.
Anyway, here's the link to the chapters. I still need to edit them a bit more (based on reviewer's feedback), but for all intensive purposes, it's finished:
Kutztown
Painfully Sweet
(I make no apologies for the inherent bitterness below. ^_^)
Okay, after suffering yet another painful lash at the hands of an unassuming woman, I must at least give an attempt at explaining something to all the women out there.
There are just some things you don't call a man, especially if you're a woman. The problem is, these words aren't always obvious.
Men don't have a problem being called scum. Tell them they're jerks, assholes, or human garbage, and they won't blink an eye. Inform us that you're seriously considering paying a man a large sum of money to murder us in our sleep, and we'll just keep eating our lunch.
No, the real killing words (that's right, I'm going for the Dune references) aren't so obvious. Below I've listed a adjective you don't want to attach to a man unless you really want to crush his soul, and burn his self-esteem into a tiny black cinder:
Nice.
Never tell a man he's 'nice', unless you actually want to destroy him, and if that's the case, you can follow up by viciously informing him he's...
Great.
OOOOOF! Man, I can still feel the sting from that one. Of course if you really want to put him out for the night, as he's staggering helplessly on his feet, desperate to salvage any sort of self worth, finish him off Muhammad Ali style with...
You're such a sweet guy.
That's it. Referee desperately dives in the way, to stop the beating. The man is twitching helplessly on the floor while the press dives in to interview you, Rocky IV style.
This information will probably surprise most women, as these words were obviously meant as compliments, to build up the man's self esteem. Why would it have the exact opposite effect?
To put it bluntly, men are shallow, simple creatures. We're basically all juvenille misfits with egos as fragile as glass, and I guarantee you, no man cares too much about 'how wonderful a person he is'.
What do they care about then? That women find them attractive. If not attractive, then at least appealing in some sort of romantic context.
Paradoxically, it doesn't really matter if it comes from a woman the man would ever actually sleep with. That's why you get middle aged suburban men sucking their gut in at the beach, when college girls walk by. Those men don't actually believe the college girls would ever give them their number, and they wouldn't (most likely, I can't speak for all men) call them in any case.
Men are childish, insecure and need to feel sexually appealing. There's no way of making that sound like an achievement, but there it is.
So why are the words 'nice', 'great' and 'sweet' such downers?
Okay, stop and think about those words for a moment. Focus on the part of your mind that contains those words. Imagine them as a column of words, with no doubt also contains words like 'considerate', 'helpful', and 'kind'.
Can you see the title of that column? If not, I can read it for you:
TRAITS WOMEN WISH ALL MEN HAD, BUT HAVE ZERO SEX APPEAL IN THEMSELVES
These aren't the traits of the dashing, handsome, one-eyed hero found in romance novels. These of the traits of the protagonist's 'good friend' who no doubt loves the protagonist, but is perfectly understanding when he gets dumped in favor of the far sexier hero. This is the column of Bill Pullman, rather than Tom Hanks. Jimmy Olsen, rather than Clark Kent. Milhouse, rather than Nelson. That guy in Hellboy who wasn't Hellboy, rather than Hellboy. This is their list.
What happens to these poor guys? Well, if the author is a woman, she usually pairs him off with a random less appealing girl (who probably doesn't have a chance in hell with the main guy, so the theory can work both ways), usually created solely for the purpose of giving them a girlfriend, or as we in the industry like to call it: 'Rowling-ed' or perhaps 'Ranma-ed'.
If the author is a man, the rejected guy usually gets killed. From a male perspective, this is usually kinder.
Nonesense, you're probably saying. Any girl would want a guy to have these obviously positive qualities. In response to that, I give these 3 pieces of evidence:
1. Women don't want men who have these qualities, they want THEIR men to have these qualities. They want these qualities instilled in the men they're already with, which only proves that the men they do go out with usually never have these qualities to begin with.
In fact this situaion often leads to the paradoxial phrase: 'I wish I could go out with a guy more like you.' This always has the added subliminal message, 'but not you, specifically'. Yes, she's saying exactly what it sounds like: 'I wish I could find a guy who has your positive qualities, but none of your negative ones.' Apparently, this is meant as some sort of compliment, but I'm not sure why or how.
2. Every man has this inherent, genetically instilled insecurity. So where are the men who don't have it? Well, they obviously all died out millions of years ago. Our juvenille, insecure nature is a testament to the fact that every guy who felt perfectly content with being a 'good friend' all died without mating. Ladies, Darwin is against you on this one.
Imagine a woman talking to a man, and describing her current boyfriend as an uncaring, insensitive asshole. Oh, I bet you can even imagine the guy she's talking to, as she tells him that she loves his qualities, and wishes her jerk boyfriend had them. Finally, she breaks up with the jerk boyfriend. Who does she go out with now? Does she follow through with what she said?
Of course not! 45% chance she's now going out with an identicaly jerk boyfriend, 45% chance she's gotten back together with a previous (or the same) jerk boyfriend, and 10% she's sworn off dating altogether. The punchline being, of course, that the 'sensitive' guy was already disqualified. He was disqualified the second she met him. If he wasn't disqualified, she wouldn't be talking to him about it. Why was he disqualified, and the men his female friend describes as 'horrible' rated so much higher?
A nearly infinite number of books have been written on the subject, but I think the answer's simple: in part, the decision was made for her, by a part of her brain she isn't willing to admit even exists. I'm not saying that part of the brain decided for her who she was going to date, but there's a very good chance it decided for her who she WASN'T going to date.
Men are no better, of course, but men have the exact opposite brain effect. For men, that part of the brain is thrown in reverse.
So men want to sleep with the sensitive friend rather than the attractive bad one?
No, they want to sleep with both!
...and those girl's sisters...and their 40something year old mothers...and the lady who brings the mail to their house...and possibly her mother too.
That's why men can't understand why women wouldn't be interested in a man they like. To help illustrate, here's the same sentence said by both a man and a woman, with the true meaning in parantheses:
WOMAN: "You're such a caring person."
(I will not date you, but I want you to keep acting the same way, regardless)
MAN: "You're such a caring person."
(Let's fuck)
3. This is the most vital point:
I'm almost certainly wrong.
Some or all of what I've said most likely has no basis in reality. It doesn't matter. What's important is that men BELIEVE all this. We can't help it.
When we hear that we're kind, nice, sweet, or a great friend and wonderful guy, you're more likely to drive us to drink than boost our esteem.
So what's the answer? Just as with pets, the solution is to reward behavior, rather than giving them labels.
When a guy does what you want them to do, tell them you think the BEHAVIOR is nice, kind or sweet. They're not a 'sweet' person, but what they're doing is very 'sweet'. Say that you really like it when men do that particular thing, or act that particular way. This is also the reason guys already in relationships tend to turn into jerks.
What happens when you tell a dog that he's 'good', when he isn't doing anything? The dog might be happy, but the dog also gets lazy, because he no longer has to work for your approval. If you withold the treat until they actually are in the process of doing something good, then they work for it, and you're both happy.
So why do 'nice' guys get bitter? We never get any treats. Oh, and the starchy, diet 'I'm sure you'll someday make a woman very happy' treats don't cut it. The high sugar 'you're looking very nice today' treats are good though. The high in unsaturated fat 'let me introduce you to my friend/sister/cousin' treats work great too. The 'you'll make a very good father' treat can also work, as long you don't throw in 'for some woman' onto it (the equivalent of balancing the treat on his nose).
Don't tell us we're good, reward us for being good. The difference is often subtle, but trust me, it makes all the difference in the world.
Just don't get us fixed (translation: tell us that you like us, but not in that way), it's kinder just to put us down (translation: shoot us in the head).
Always half kidding,
Max
Saturday, May 10, 2008
LEVELS THAT WILL DRIVE YOU TO HATE ALL PLUMBERS
MSN just came out with a list of the 5 hardest video game levels of all time. Apparently, without free open access to Burma crisis, they're falling back on good old reliable top # lists.
The only problem is...these aren't the hardest levels of all time. Okay, two of them are, which is more than I usually expect out of the media, but the other three they list are:
1. A 24 hour level of Gran Turismo that no one's supposed to actually play.
2. A level of Call of Duty 4...which I've admittedly never played, but I've never heard anyone complain about it, and in the comments people mentioned that there are much harder levels in the same game.
3. A Nintendo Club House sliding puzzle. I sincerely hope it's not the puzzle in the picture, because I solved that just by staring at it for a moment. Those puzzles are pure simplicity when compared to Professor Layton's...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Yes, I am going to geek out, and present the REAL hardest levels of all time, and to re-afirm my status as a Renaissance geek, I'm extending the list to 20.
Oh, and I'm not using the word 'real' lightly. I mean 'real' like in the 'REAL' Ghostbusters. That's right, my list is Egon, and theirs is a large ape in a Fedora.
Before we start though, let me explain why certain levels/games didn't make it on the list:
'NINTENDO THUMB: I came up with this phrase after playing Blaster Master for a while. It's a great game, but without a save or password feature. So if you wanted to beat it, you had to basically play for an entire day straight, and still possibly get your ass handed to you by the end boss. Like the 'Gran Turismo level', just because a level is really long, doesn't mean it's difficult.
'NON-ISOLATED DIFFICULTY': Just because a game is hard, doesn't mean particular levels are hard. Good examples are Kid Icarus, Ghouls and Ghosts, and Ikaruga. The games are extremely hard, but no particular level is any harder than any other. They're just really hard games.
'UNFAIR': Some levels are just unfair, requiring 'try and fail' rather than actual skill. A few examples are lvl 1 of Boy and his Blob, and most of The Immortal.
'SEPERATE GAMES': Lufia 2 and Tobal have 'quest modes' that go on forever, but they aren't really levels, but seperate games in themselves.
'SAVE': A level really isn't that hard if you can save every step of the way. This disqualifies most modern FPS's, like Half-life and Halo.
'TRICK': Some levels seem impossible, but then you find out years later that there was a trick to beating them. Remember carnival nights zone in Sonic 2? Remember those dreaded spinning platforms? You're supposed to press down. No, not jump, just press down on the controller. Quickman stage? It's not quite so hard with Flashman's power...it's still tough, but not mind wrackingly difficult. Oh, and those fireberry caves in Kyrandia? The berries don't go out if you place them on the ground. Yeah, I nearly keeled over when I found out that secret. I've still got a map somewhere that I had to draw to get through that damn level.
'GRIND': Yes, Final Fantasy 3, Final Fantasy Tactics, the Fire Emblem series, and Shining Force series are difficult, but not when you grind levels like crazy. Nothing's difficult when you're free to get up to lvl 99. It's just tedious.
'GOOD ENDING': Some games aren't that hard to beat, per se, but it's difficult to get the good ending, like in Psychic Detective, Castlevania 2, and Ogre Battle. Yes, perhaps it's difficult to beat a level in a specific way, to get a better ending, but that doesn't make the level itself hard, unless it's the only way to beat it.
So, without furter ado, here we go, from least suicide-inducing, to games that make you wonder if it's possible to slit your wrists with a Mach 4:
20. JEOPARDY (NES)
Alright, it's not really a level in the general sense, but I had to throw this question a bone.
'What actor starred as the lead in the movies Terminator, Predator and Commando?'
I bet you know, right?
Great, now spell it correctly.
You have 60 seconds.
No pausing.
19. PROFESSOR LAYTON AND THE CURIOUS VILLAGE (DS) PUZZLE #135
A sliding block puzzle that puts all other sliding block puzzles to shame. This puzzle makes that Nintendo Clubhouse puzzle look like a kid's toy. The only reason it didn't rate higher is because you effectively have unlimited moves, and can eventually get it just by guessing...if you've got several hours to spare.
18. MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE (PC) HARPSICHORD PUZZLE
Now here's a puzzle you can't even guess through. It's one of the last puzzles in the game, and enough to drive you mad. It's not as simple as hitting the right notes, you have to figure out which notes stand for other notes, and each note is a Monty Python quote. It's basically a secret code made out of quotes...let's just say it's really frickin hard.
17. DRAGON'S LAIR (ARCADE) TWO SPINNING HAMMERS
For the life of me, I can't find rhyme or reason to this level. There's two spinning hammers...which he could crawl underneath, but that's beside the point. Anyway, there are two spinning hammers, with a bad guy on the other side. You have to time it so he doesn't get hit by the hammers, but they move so fast that I can't tell. I usually have to wing it, and hope for the best. It'd rank higher, but the level is really easy after that point.
16. GOLGO 13 (NES) UNDERWATER NAZI BASE
I forget the exact number of the level, but you have to first navigate a complicated maze, and then fight your way past incredibly difficult Nazis on flying platforms. It's easy to get killed...and then it's right back to the start of the maze. Doesn't rank higher because you can avoid the enemies in most cases, so it becomes more tedious then difficult.
15. SUPER MARIO BROTHERS (NES) LEVEL 8-4
Here's the first taste of pure frustration and defeat most of us older gamers felt when we were young (outside of the school yard). This level was a monster, and the hammer brother right before King Koopa was arguably harder than the big man himself. If you showed up as small Mario, you were as good as dead. It doesn't rank harder because we all eventually beat it. It was just a royal pain.
14. LEGEND OF ZELDA 2 (NES) FINAL TEMPLE
This level almost got disqualified for the ability to grind levels (a first and last for Link), but this level was a monster. Secret walls, numerous opportunities for death, infinite loops, and TWO BOSSES at the end. The first you needed enough magic to cast Thunder, or you couldn't win, and the second was your own shadow, who fought with the skill of a master. In all ways, this level was rough, although not impossible, with patience.
13. STARSHIP TITANIC (PC) PARROT PUZZLE
Easily the second hardest 'point and click puzzle' (we'll get to the hardest later), it was not only completely unintuitive, but you had to bait the parrot not away from his stand, not out of his cage, but to the EDGE of the stand, and to do this you needed a chicken prepared EXACTLY the way he wants it, and have no doubt, he'll be sending you back numerous times to fix it, and then you have to figure out how to warm it up, and then, and ONLY THEN, you can steal his perch, but only if you do it right, otherwise it's back to square one.
As a side note, when you save the damaged AI at the end of the game, she actually apologizes for the parrot. Yes, this is the kind of puzzle that the game designers apologize for afterwards.
12. RESIDENT EVIL 2 (PLAYSTATION) TOFU
Granted, it's a special level you have to unlock, created in response to a fan's video, where they beat Resident Evil 1 in two hours, using no weapon besides the knife. Most people would simply laugh and point at the loser, but the creators felt the need to reply with a mini-game. It's basically the same as the 'Hunk' mini-game, only you have healing items, no weapon besides the knife, and...you're a block of tofu. I...guess in Japan that's the equivalent of the middle finger. I don't know. Anyway, it's nearly impossible, unless you're a geek who beat the original using...well, you get the idea.
11. TMNT (NES) FINAL STAGE
The final stage of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was the hardest stage in a ludicrously difficult game, given the age of their average fan. Not only is there no save or password, but you can't stock up on extra lives either, since if a turtle runs out of health, he's captured until you free him, which can be several levels later.
Anyway, the only reason it wasn't disqualified is because the last level is nearly impossible, especially Shredder, the final boss. The only reason the game isn't listed higher is because you can effectively grind by stocking up on 99 scrolls per turtle, which are the super weapon of the game, making the last level at least somewhat possible.
10. LEGACY OF THE WIZARD (NES) MOTHER'S STAGE
No one's ever beaten this game. I hear people make claims, but I don't believe them. The labyrinth is neverending, it's quite easy to get trapped and have no way out, and you constantly have to go back to the start, to change characters. To make it worse, it often isn't clear which level is intended for which character until it's too late! In all my years playing, I've only found one of the four crowns, and I'm not willing to believe there are any more.
Anyway, of all the levels, the one intended for the Mother of the family is the hardest, simply because she's the least useful of the characters, and her flight ability is slow, and really not any better than the sister's ability to jump higher.
9. NINJA GAIDEN (NES) LAST STAGE
A monstrously long and nearly impossible level, culminating it a fairly difficult final boss. Oh, and death at any point leads to a one way ticket back to the beginning of the stage. Ah, they made you work for the 'THE END' back in those days...
8. SPACE CHANNEL 5 (DREAMCAST) LAST STAGE
A 'simon says' puzzle game that makes Parappa hang his head in shame. Not only is it fast...not only is it difficult...but when you get to the final boss...you have to press the directions OPPOSITE the ones he's saying. Left means right, etc...
Now that's cruel.
7. FRIDAY THE 13TH (NES) FINAL RESURRECTION
Now here's a game that's designed to kill you. Jason is every bit as difficult in the game as he is in the movies, no doubt. He's fast, brutal, and will kill your backup team members if you let him. In what other NES game does the villain murder innocent children with impunity?
Anyway, Jason is incredibly tough, lightning fast, and can appear at virtually any moment in the game. His third incarnation is the toughest, and if you can't find the pitchfork, you don't have a chance of beating him.
6. PSYCHONAUTS (XBOX & PS@) FINAL LEVEL
A generally simple, fun and hilarious game becomes murderously difficult in its final stage. A single missed jump can send you all the way back to square one, and if you haven't absolutely mastered your abilities, you don't stand a chance. I love this game, but I honestly still haven't beaten the final level.
AND NOW...THE TOP 5!
SUSPENSE!
5. GUITAR HERO 3 (MOST OF THE NEXT GEN SYSTEMS) DRAGONFORCE
This one made it to the MSN list, and it definitely deserves to be there. No human being was meant to play the guitar this quickly. No one.
The only reason it isn't ranked higher is because it's only horrifyingly difficult on hard or expert level. On medium level, it's merely terrifyingly difficult, which is still enough to get it in the top 5.
I could go on to list Jordan in this list as well, but I think we'll restrict Guitar Hero to a single spot, since each sequel is essentially an expansion for the original game.
4. BATTLETOADS (NES) STAGE 3: THE BIKE STAGE
This level is nothing short of legendary. There's essentially less than half a second to predict if you have to press up, down or jump, and gamers still shudder upon recollecting it. Ironically, the later levels were nowhere as difficult, but you'd have to be masochistic to get through level 3...which I did. The fact I've actually beaten this level (but not without incredible effort) stops it from going higher than four.
3. KING'S QUEST 5 (PC) CAT CHASING MOUSE OUTSIDE PIE SHOP
*Max drinks slug of Vodka*
Okay...if we rate by sheer frustration, this level, which is essentially a single screen, takes the cake. I swear, Roberta Williams will pay for this.
The screen seems simple enough. There's a cat, chasing a mouse. Take too long, and the cat will catch the mouse, and kill it.
Now, you may not be shocked to learn that your life depends on saving that mouse, and you might not be surprised to hear that you need to find a special item to do so. What may surprise you is that there's two ways for you to ensure it's impossible to win the game on this screen...
...AND YOU HAVE NO WAY OF EVER KNOWING THAT YOU CAN'T WIN, AND WHY!
Yes, you can go for ten hours trying to find a way through the game, and not know you can't win, all because of that hungry feline. I hate that fucking cat. I mince no words about it.
If the cat kills the mouse, you have no way of being freed from the kidnapping innkeeper, which is the only way of finding rope in the game.
No problem, right? You find a stick, and throw it at the cat, and save the mouse, right?
You just lost the game.
Apparently, that's the only stick in the entire fucking forest. No, by leaping to the obvious conclusion, you've doomed yourself to start from scratch. No, you need a boot.
No, you can't take off your own boot. You have to find a boot all on its own. Where do you find it?
In the middle of a brigand filled desert, surrounded by scorpions.
I wish I was fucking kidding.
So, since you didn't want to take off your shoe, and that stick is the only stick to have in the tree filled kingdom, you must brave a horrible desert...find the boot...and use it to kill the cat before it gets the mouse.
I'll fall short of calling a Jyhad on Roberta Williams, but only 'just' short. A regular Vendetta will do just fine.
2. MIKE TYSON'S PUNCH OUT (NES) MIKE TYSON
The MSN list got this right. When I was young, the real measure of your ability was if you could beat Super Macho Man. Most players accepted him as the 'End Boss'. Mike Tyson himself was ridiculous. A single punch knocked you down, and you only had a split second to dodge his strikes, which he signaled...not with the exaggerated outstretched arms that the other bosses used...but with a single blink of an eye. For the first round or so, you have no chance of hitting him. Later on, he'll tire down (just like real life actually...during his peak, Tyson was only invincible at the start of the match), his punches will only rob you of 'half' your life bar, and you can possibly take him out.
If you do, my hat's off to you. There's only one level in any videogame harder...
1. SESAME STREET 1-2-3 (NES) ERNIE'S MAGICAL SHAPE CHALLENGE
How the fuck am I supposed to know what a square looks like?
JUST KIDDING
1. CALL OF CTHULU (XBOX) HOTEL RAID
Call of Cthulu is a great, underappreciated gem, which mainly goes unappreciated because 98% of its players haven't gotten past the first hour of the game. Just as the action begins to start, you're awoken in your hotel by the approach of villagers.
It starts with a relatively long cut-scene, which you have to watch every single time. From that point, if the villagers make it into the same room as you, you're dead, as you don't have any weapons yet.
I'm not sure what made the game designers think this level was appropriate near the beginning of the game. It wouldn't be so hard, but in order to survive you must follow an exact number of steps, executed perfectly, without wasting even a single second, and I'm not exaggerating. Even a single mistake will result in death, and then you'll have to watch the cut-scene and try again.
Basically, you have to leave the room, bolt the door (there's no auto-target, or way to know you're looking directly at the bolt by the way, so if the game decides you're looking at the door and not the bolt, it opens the door, and you're dead), bolt the neighboring door, push dressers in the way, climb out onto ledges, jump from building to building, and ANY hesitation what-so-ever will result in death.
This level literally kills the game. I've had long, drawn out discussions with geeks over the best ways through, and even those ways take almost hundreds of tries to pull off.
After that, the game's normal. What the hell was wrong with the designers? By comparison, that Call of Duty level might as well be Cutman's stage.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to overdose on geekiness. If I don't make it to a hospital in 15 minutes, I'll be checking episodes of Enterprise for continuity errors, signing an online petition to renew Firefly, and writing about old video games in my weekly blog...
Oh oh.
MSN just came out with a list of the 5 hardest video game levels of all time. Apparently, without free open access to Burma crisis, they're falling back on good old reliable top # lists.
The only problem is...these aren't the hardest levels of all time. Okay, two of them are, which is more than I usually expect out of the media, but the other three they list are:
1. A 24 hour level of Gran Turismo that no one's supposed to actually play.
2. A level of Call of Duty 4...which I've admittedly never played, but I've never heard anyone complain about it, and in the comments people mentioned that there are much harder levels in the same game.
3. A Nintendo Club House sliding puzzle. I sincerely hope it's not the puzzle in the picture, because I solved that just by staring at it for a moment. Those puzzles are pure simplicity when compared to Professor Layton's...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Yes, I am going to geek out, and present the REAL hardest levels of all time, and to re-afirm my status as a Renaissance geek, I'm extending the list to 20.
Oh, and I'm not using the word 'real' lightly. I mean 'real' like in the 'REAL' Ghostbusters. That's right, my list is Egon, and theirs is a large ape in a Fedora.
Before we start though, let me explain why certain levels/games didn't make it on the list:
'NINTENDO THUMB: I came up with this phrase after playing Blaster Master for a while. It's a great game, but without a save or password feature. So if you wanted to beat it, you had to basically play for an entire day straight, and still possibly get your ass handed to you by the end boss. Like the 'Gran Turismo level', just because a level is really long, doesn't mean it's difficult.
'NON-ISOLATED DIFFICULTY': Just because a game is hard, doesn't mean particular levels are hard. Good examples are Kid Icarus, Ghouls and Ghosts, and Ikaruga. The games are extremely hard, but no particular level is any harder than any other. They're just really hard games.
'UNFAIR': Some levels are just unfair, requiring 'try and fail' rather than actual skill. A few examples are lvl 1 of Boy and his Blob, and most of The Immortal.
'SEPERATE GAMES': Lufia 2 and Tobal have 'quest modes' that go on forever, but they aren't really levels, but seperate games in themselves.
'SAVE': A level really isn't that hard if you can save every step of the way. This disqualifies most modern FPS's, like Half-life and Halo.
'TRICK': Some levels seem impossible, but then you find out years later that there was a trick to beating them. Remember carnival nights zone in Sonic 2? Remember those dreaded spinning platforms? You're supposed to press down. No, not jump, just press down on the controller. Quickman stage? It's not quite so hard with Flashman's power...it's still tough, but not mind wrackingly difficult. Oh, and those fireberry caves in Kyrandia? The berries don't go out if you place them on the ground. Yeah, I nearly keeled over when I found out that secret. I've still got a map somewhere that I had to draw to get through that damn level.
'GRIND': Yes, Final Fantasy 3, Final Fantasy Tactics, the Fire Emblem series, and Shining Force series are difficult, but not when you grind levels like crazy. Nothing's difficult when you're free to get up to lvl 99. It's just tedious.
'GOOD ENDING': Some games aren't that hard to beat, per se, but it's difficult to get the good ending, like in Psychic Detective, Castlevania 2, and Ogre Battle. Yes, perhaps it's difficult to beat a level in a specific way, to get a better ending, but that doesn't make the level itself hard, unless it's the only way to beat it.
So, without furter ado, here we go, from least suicide-inducing, to games that make you wonder if it's possible to slit your wrists with a Mach 4:
20. JEOPARDY (NES)
Alright, it's not really a level in the general sense, but I had to throw this question a bone.
'What actor starred as the lead in the movies Terminator, Predator and Commando?'
I bet you know, right?
Great, now spell it correctly.
You have 60 seconds.
No pausing.
19. PROFESSOR LAYTON AND THE CURIOUS VILLAGE (DS) PUZZLE #135
A sliding block puzzle that puts all other sliding block puzzles to shame. This puzzle makes that Nintendo Clubhouse puzzle look like a kid's toy. The only reason it didn't rate higher is because you effectively have unlimited moves, and can eventually get it just by guessing...if you've got several hours to spare.
18. MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE (PC) HARPSICHORD PUZZLE
Now here's a puzzle you can't even guess through. It's one of the last puzzles in the game, and enough to drive you mad. It's not as simple as hitting the right notes, you have to figure out which notes stand for other notes, and each note is a Monty Python quote. It's basically a secret code made out of quotes...let's just say it's really frickin hard.
17. DRAGON'S LAIR (ARCADE) TWO SPINNING HAMMERS
For the life of me, I can't find rhyme or reason to this level. There's two spinning hammers...which he could crawl underneath, but that's beside the point. Anyway, there are two spinning hammers, with a bad guy on the other side. You have to time it so he doesn't get hit by the hammers, but they move so fast that I can't tell. I usually have to wing it, and hope for the best. It'd rank higher, but the level is really easy after that point.
16. GOLGO 13 (NES) UNDERWATER NAZI BASE
I forget the exact number of the level, but you have to first navigate a complicated maze, and then fight your way past incredibly difficult Nazis on flying platforms. It's easy to get killed...and then it's right back to the start of the maze. Doesn't rank higher because you can avoid the enemies in most cases, so it becomes more tedious then difficult.
15. SUPER MARIO BROTHERS (NES) LEVEL 8-4
Here's the first taste of pure frustration and defeat most of us older gamers felt when we were young (outside of the school yard). This level was a monster, and the hammer brother right before King Koopa was arguably harder than the big man himself. If you showed up as small Mario, you were as good as dead. It doesn't rank harder because we all eventually beat it. It was just a royal pain.
14. LEGEND OF ZELDA 2 (NES) FINAL TEMPLE
This level almost got disqualified for the ability to grind levels (a first and last for Link), but this level was a monster. Secret walls, numerous opportunities for death, infinite loops, and TWO BOSSES at the end. The first you needed enough magic to cast Thunder, or you couldn't win, and the second was your own shadow, who fought with the skill of a master. In all ways, this level was rough, although not impossible, with patience.
13. STARSHIP TITANIC (PC) PARROT PUZZLE
Easily the second hardest 'point and click puzzle' (we'll get to the hardest later), it was not only completely unintuitive, but you had to bait the parrot not away from his stand, not out of his cage, but to the EDGE of the stand, and to do this you needed a chicken prepared EXACTLY the way he wants it, and have no doubt, he'll be sending you back numerous times to fix it, and then you have to figure out how to warm it up, and then, and ONLY THEN, you can steal his perch, but only if you do it right, otherwise it's back to square one.
As a side note, when you save the damaged AI at the end of the game, she actually apologizes for the parrot. Yes, this is the kind of puzzle that the game designers apologize for afterwards.
12. RESIDENT EVIL 2 (PLAYSTATION) TOFU
Granted, it's a special level you have to unlock, created in response to a fan's video, where they beat Resident Evil 1 in two hours, using no weapon besides the knife. Most people would simply laugh and point at the loser, but the creators felt the need to reply with a mini-game. It's basically the same as the 'Hunk' mini-game, only you have healing items, no weapon besides the knife, and...you're a block of tofu. I...guess in Japan that's the equivalent of the middle finger. I don't know. Anyway, it's nearly impossible, unless you're a geek who beat the original using...well, you get the idea.
11. TMNT (NES) FINAL STAGE
The final stage of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was the hardest stage in a ludicrously difficult game, given the age of their average fan. Not only is there no save or password, but you can't stock up on extra lives either, since if a turtle runs out of health, he's captured until you free him, which can be several levels later.
Anyway, the only reason it wasn't disqualified is because the last level is nearly impossible, especially Shredder, the final boss. The only reason the game isn't listed higher is because you can effectively grind by stocking up on 99 scrolls per turtle, which are the super weapon of the game, making the last level at least somewhat possible.
10. LEGACY OF THE WIZARD (NES) MOTHER'S STAGE
No one's ever beaten this game. I hear people make claims, but I don't believe them. The labyrinth is neverending, it's quite easy to get trapped and have no way out, and you constantly have to go back to the start, to change characters. To make it worse, it often isn't clear which level is intended for which character until it's too late! In all my years playing, I've only found one of the four crowns, and I'm not willing to believe there are any more.
Anyway, of all the levels, the one intended for the Mother of the family is the hardest, simply because she's the least useful of the characters, and her flight ability is slow, and really not any better than the sister's ability to jump higher.
9. NINJA GAIDEN (NES) LAST STAGE
A monstrously long and nearly impossible level, culminating it a fairly difficult final boss. Oh, and death at any point leads to a one way ticket back to the beginning of the stage. Ah, they made you work for the 'THE END' back in those days...
8. SPACE CHANNEL 5 (DREAMCAST) LAST STAGE
A 'simon says' puzzle game that makes Parappa hang his head in shame. Not only is it fast...not only is it difficult...but when you get to the final boss...you have to press the directions OPPOSITE the ones he's saying. Left means right, etc...
Now that's cruel.
7. FRIDAY THE 13TH (NES) FINAL RESURRECTION
Now here's a game that's designed to kill you. Jason is every bit as difficult in the game as he is in the movies, no doubt. He's fast, brutal, and will kill your backup team members if you let him. In what other NES game does the villain murder innocent children with impunity?
Anyway, Jason is incredibly tough, lightning fast, and can appear at virtually any moment in the game. His third incarnation is the toughest, and if you can't find the pitchfork, you don't have a chance of beating him.
6. PSYCHONAUTS (XBOX & PS@) FINAL LEVEL
A generally simple, fun and hilarious game becomes murderously difficult in its final stage. A single missed jump can send you all the way back to square one, and if you haven't absolutely mastered your abilities, you don't stand a chance. I love this game, but I honestly still haven't beaten the final level.
AND NOW...THE TOP 5!
SUSPENSE!
5. GUITAR HERO 3 (MOST OF THE NEXT GEN SYSTEMS) DRAGONFORCE
This one made it to the MSN list, and it definitely deserves to be there. No human being was meant to play the guitar this quickly. No one.
The only reason it isn't ranked higher is because it's only horrifyingly difficult on hard or expert level. On medium level, it's merely terrifyingly difficult, which is still enough to get it in the top 5.
I could go on to list Jordan in this list as well, but I think we'll restrict Guitar Hero to a single spot, since each sequel is essentially an expansion for the original game.
4. BATTLETOADS (NES) STAGE 3: THE BIKE STAGE
This level is nothing short of legendary. There's essentially less than half a second to predict if you have to press up, down or jump, and gamers still shudder upon recollecting it. Ironically, the later levels were nowhere as difficult, but you'd have to be masochistic to get through level 3...which I did. The fact I've actually beaten this level (but not without incredible effort) stops it from going higher than four.
3. KING'S QUEST 5 (PC) CAT CHASING MOUSE OUTSIDE PIE SHOP
*Max drinks slug of Vodka*
Okay...if we rate by sheer frustration, this level, which is essentially a single screen, takes the cake. I swear, Roberta Williams will pay for this.
The screen seems simple enough. There's a cat, chasing a mouse. Take too long, and the cat will catch the mouse, and kill it.
Now, you may not be shocked to learn that your life depends on saving that mouse, and you might not be surprised to hear that you need to find a special item to do so. What may surprise you is that there's two ways for you to ensure it's impossible to win the game on this screen...
...AND YOU HAVE NO WAY OF EVER KNOWING THAT YOU CAN'T WIN, AND WHY!
Yes, you can go for ten hours trying to find a way through the game, and not know you can't win, all because of that hungry feline. I hate that fucking cat. I mince no words about it.
If the cat kills the mouse, you have no way of being freed from the kidnapping innkeeper, which is the only way of finding rope in the game.
No problem, right? You find a stick, and throw it at the cat, and save the mouse, right?
You just lost the game.
Apparently, that's the only stick in the entire fucking forest. No, by leaping to the obvious conclusion, you've doomed yourself to start from scratch. No, you need a boot.
No, you can't take off your own boot. You have to find a boot all on its own. Where do you find it?
In the middle of a brigand filled desert, surrounded by scorpions.
I wish I was fucking kidding.
So, since you didn't want to take off your shoe, and that stick is the only stick to have in the tree filled kingdom, you must brave a horrible desert...find the boot...and use it to kill the cat before it gets the mouse.
I'll fall short of calling a Jyhad on Roberta Williams, but only 'just' short. A regular Vendetta will do just fine.
2. MIKE TYSON'S PUNCH OUT (NES) MIKE TYSON
The MSN list got this right. When I was young, the real measure of your ability was if you could beat Super Macho Man. Most players accepted him as the 'End Boss'. Mike Tyson himself was ridiculous. A single punch knocked you down, and you only had a split second to dodge his strikes, which he signaled...not with the exaggerated outstretched arms that the other bosses used...but with a single blink of an eye. For the first round or so, you have no chance of hitting him. Later on, he'll tire down (just like real life actually...during his peak, Tyson was only invincible at the start of the match), his punches will only rob you of 'half' your life bar, and you can possibly take him out.
If you do, my hat's off to you. There's only one level in any videogame harder...
1. SESAME STREET 1-2-3 (NES) ERNIE'S MAGICAL SHAPE CHALLENGE
How the fuck am I supposed to know what a square looks like?
JUST KIDDING
1. CALL OF CTHULU (XBOX) HOTEL RAID
Call of Cthulu is a great, underappreciated gem, which mainly goes unappreciated because 98% of its players haven't gotten past the first hour of the game. Just as the action begins to start, you're awoken in your hotel by the approach of villagers.
It starts with a relatively long cut-scene, which you have to watch every single time. From that point, if the villagers make it into the same room as you, you're dead, as you don't have any weapons yet.
I'm not sure what made the game designers think this level was appropriate near the beginning of the game. It wouldn't be so hard, but in order to survive you must follow an exact number of steps, executed perfectly, without wasting even a single second, and I'm not exaggerating. Even a single mistake will result in death, and then you'll have to watch the cut-scene and try again.
Basically, you have to leave the room, bolt the door (there's no auto-target, or way to know you're looking directly at the bolt by the way, so if the game decides you're looking at the door and not the bolt, it opens the door, and you're dead), bolt the neighboring door, push dressers in the way, climb out onto ledges, jump from building to building, and ANY hesitation what-so-ever will result in death.
This level literally kills the game. I've had long, drawn out discussions with geeks over the best ways through, and even those ways take almost hundreds of tries to pull off.
After that, the game's normal. What the hell was wrong with the designers? By comparison, that Call of Duty level might as well be Cutman's stage.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to overdose on geekiness. If I don't make it to a hospital in 15 minutes, I'll be checking episodes of Enterprise for continuity errors, signing an online petition to renew Firefly, and writing about old video games in my weekly blog...
Oh oh.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Dang...can't think of anything to say this week...uh...the only Popeyes chicken I'm aware of in New Jerey became a Nathans...isn't that...exciting?
Man, I'm off my groove. I blame work, like I usually do. ^_^
Here's something I wrote when more coherent, that always makes me laugh. It's a sci-fi comedy that could only come from watching too many episodes of Star Trek. Enjoy!
RED ALERT
"Sir, an unidentified alien ship of unknown design is approaching us from the Vega quadrant!"
"Shoot it."
"Yes sir!"
The crew turned towards the screen in anticipation.
BOOM!
There was a light cheer from the deck as the colorful explosion erupted onto the screen. There's no sound in space of course, but the captain pressed the 'BOOM!' sound effect button just as the alien ship vaporized. A few of the geeks measured the explosion and checked the tables of their fantasy space war teams as the rest of the crew went on with their lives.
The only one not celebrating was the captain. This was serious. He'd have to put all other things on hold and deal with this immediately.
"Lieutenant Gibbs, I need to see you in my office, right now."
Gibbs stopped checking his notes and strode immediately into the Captain's office. Don was gazing thoughtfully out his window at the vastness of space. Occasionally a random piece of debris would reflect off the window, usually either a small meteor, piece of the alien ship, or an empty pack of cigarettes.
Don noticed that one of the packs was only half empty. It was his favorite brand too. Could he send someone out to get them? He’s captain after all, it’s not like they…nah, on second thought, that was far too demeaning a task to make anyone do. Besides, there were more important matters at hand.
"Gibbs, we've talked about your shouting."
The Lieutenant looked a little uncomfortable and nervous, despite the fact that he was a full foot taller, thirty pounds lighter and twenty years younger than the captain. Of course, standing in the captain’s office was intimidating enough to scare anyone, as upon his desk were a jar filled with medals, a modified hand blaster, and the skull of his evil twin.
Gibbs wringed his hands behind his back and stammered,
"Unknown aliens...were approaching us from..."
Captain Donald happily interrupted him, a smile upon his face. He loved being angry.
"Yes! Yes! Aliens of an unknown type were approaching us from parts unknown and it’s our job to BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! Listen, we don't have to fly off the handle just because some nobody aliens are rushing us. You know very well that things have been a lot different since they passed the ANCA..."
...
The ANCA, or 'Absolutely No Crap Amendment' was unanimously voted in by the entire United Federation of Planets two years prior. It was introduced long before then, but it was voted down nearly unanimously year after year, right up until the year Earth successfully ejected every other planet from the Federation besides themselves. The ANCA imposed the following twelve restrictions upon all other alien races:
LAW 1: Knock it off.
LAW 2: Absolutely no more Galactic Senates. They suck.
LAW 3: Check with us before doing ANYTHING.
LAW 4: No psychic powers that involve melding minds...in fact, don't touch us at all.
LAW 5: No fair looking human. Grow horns or something.
LAW 6: We end all communications that begin with 'We're not so different'.
LAW 7: No universal consciousness hippie shit.
LAW 8: Our blasters no longer have stun settings. Not a law, but a friendly FYI.
LAW 9: Either use mechanical translators or learn Universal Standard (Spanish).
LAW 10: We reserve the right to slap you on a whim.
LAW 11: Shut up.
LAW 12: Go to bed.
...
"But sir! We can't just..."
"Yes we can! That's the whole point, Gibbs! Any ship that comes up without hailing you is going to either attack us or have a monster on board!”
Gibbs had heard such statements before…from every other member of the crew for that matter…but he wasn’t about to give up so easily.
“But sir, what if it’s a friendly race that needs our help?”
Captain Don stared up at the poor naïve fool. He’d been reading too many independent holo-news programs, no doubt. Don shook his head and stated matter-of-factly,
“It’s been well documented that every alien race is either evil, useless, or insane.”
The captain was more or less quoting the Universal Encyclopedia, volume A, word for word.
“Even if they didn’t mean to kill us, then they’d just be useless idiots anyway! Be it space plague, planet sized monsters or creator races back to show us the error of our ways, it's always Earth that has to save the day! Remember the Synoks?"
"But sir..."
"REMEMBER THE SYNOKS?"
Lieutenant Gibbs looked down at his well polished boots as his Captain continued,
"One race of giant bugs terrorized the ENTIRE galaxy for a millennia. Thousands of planets feared total annihilation. The entire Galactic Senate’s military force was eliminated to an alien. All seemed hopeless and bleak, until a SINGLE Earth ship came into orbit and within FORTY-TWO MINUTES..."
BEEP
Captain Donald rubbed the top of his bald head and pressed against his temples,
"For the love of...yes?"
A screen on the wall flicked on, revealing a beautiful, dark haired, middle aged woman. Don forced himself to smile and act pleasantly (as per the court order) as he responded to his ex-wife,
"Yesssssssssss?"
She stared at the captain with an annoyed smirk, responding with an expectant,
"Yes..."
The captain rolled his eyes and attempted to greet her again,
"Mrs. Johans..."
"Miss."
"YES, MISS JOHANSSON?"
Miss Johansson gave a cheerful little grin, paused for a moment longer and then finally answered,
"The potential alien ambassadors have been waiting seven hours for their screening, which is..."
"Yes, yes...Graves is hosting, right?"
Miss Robinson closed her eyes and began to purr.
"Mmmmmm…yeah."
Gibbs could hear the captain's teeth scrape and strain against each other, but Don held his legally required smile like a pro. His ex-wife gave a pleasant chuckle and added,
"Oh you two always get along so well! He was such a great help to us when we were having problems during our marriage...well, more of a help to me...”
"YES! Very good! Just give him clearance to handle it himself.”
Miss Johansson didn’t seem to be hearing him though. She seemed dreamily lost in thought as she continued,
“…and more to the end of the marriage...”
“YES! Very…”
“…and mostly during lunch breaks…"
“OFF!"
The screen went blank.
Ah 'OFF'. They could legally drive him to insanity, but that couldn't take away his 'OFF'. The Captain kicked his feet up onto his desk and muttered to Gibbs,
"Seven hours...man...I only meant to keep them waiting six."
Gibbs scratched the side of his cheek and pondered,
“Shouldn’t you handle this yourself sir? They will be representing their respective species.”
Donald almost forgot he was chewing out the Lieutenant. Gibbs really should’ve ducked out of the room during the distraction. Hell, that’s how Don made it to Captain. Well, that and blackmail.
Before continuing the brow beating, the captain casually replied,
“Lieutenant Graves knows how to handle delicate situations like these.”
...
“I WILL PERSONALLY EXECUTE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU GODDAMN SPACE LIZARDS THAT SO MUCH AS LOOKS AT ME FUNNY!”
The large, cold ship hanger went from being filled with the sound of angry alien muttering, to dead silence. Every last potential ambassador stared at the young, grim faced human in front of them. His complexion was darker than most of the other humans, and his hair was cut almost all the way to his scalp, but what the aliens noticed more than anything else were his wide, furious eyes.
“FORM A LINE!”
As the aliens quickly shuffled into a line (and briefly argued over their respective positions within said line), Graves continued,
“As you various space monsters may be well aware, we are in a space hanger. As you freaks of the cosmos…”
A gray, squat being stepped out of line and declared, in broken Universal Standard,
“How dare you! My civilization has ten thousand years of…”
Graves fired his blaster into the air. Technology was at the point that blasters made no sound, but Graves had rigged his to make it ring out like a shotgun. When the room was silent once more, the tall, young Lieutenant called back,
“What your civilization HAS is another YEAR before it can apply again! OUT!”
The captain may have had OFF, but Graves had OUT. Out were two large guards, each carefully trained in the subtle art of dragging people away. They were both human, but their appearance and builds were more similar to hairless gorillas. Graves found the one on the left working in a prison, and the one on the right starting a fight in a bar. The remaining potential ambassadors kept quiet.
“As you various creatures may be aware of is that I, and every other employee of the United Federation within this room, are wearing what we call SPACE SUITS. That way, if anything bad happens, such as an attempted attack, alien virus, or bomb goes off or whatever…all we have to do is open the hanger door, and everything in this room flushes out into space. Shuttles pick up the living one by one, and then bat the corpses into the nearest sun. BEGIN!”
After a moment of confusion, the first ambassador stepped up, flush with anger. The alien (of the Giopi race) knew that the human’s tirade couldn’t possibly be focused upon his incredibly powerful and influential race. Regardless, he had been forced to wait for seven hours, and that was far too much for a great Giopian to bear. The giant, featherless duck waddled up to the Lieutenant and began, with his beak in the air,
“Listen human, while your race were mere apes in the trees, the invincible army of…”
WHAM!
Graves dropped the ambassador with a single punch, stepped over his unconscious body, shook his slightly numb hand, and then faced the next applicant, who resembled a slightly nervous bipedal cow,
“Uh…well I…”
“Too slow. Back of the line.”
The cow fidgeted and looked around, uncertain. Graves restated himself,
“BACK OF THE LINE!”
The alien rushed back, as a barely dressed, mostly human looking (only with ridiculously long ears), beautiful female ambassador slipped forward. Her slender stomach was bare and exposed, her chest was barely concealed, her legs were draped in the finest nearly transparent cloth, her feet were bear, and her hair was long and as black as outer space. The gorgeous potential ambassador placed her slender hands upon Grave’s shoulders and cooed,
“I am of the Erothi, and we shall happily perform any task that you and your race reARGHHH!”
Graves gripped upon her hair with one hand and her jaw with the other, forcing her mouth open. He then carefully examined the many rows of large, jagged teeth within her mouth. Graves nodded and muttered,
“Carnivorous females, eat males after mating, yadda yadda yadda…”
It was nothing he hadn’t seen before. Graves casually tossed her aside, and ‘out’ held her off as she viciously snapped her teeth in Graves’ direction.
Graves skipped the next few,
“Ugly…lizard…doing the evil ‘tapping fingertips together’ in front of face…”
He stopped in front of a small furry bear, not much larger than a human child. It smiled meekly and held up a single yellow flower towards the Lieutenant.
Without a word, Graves lengthened his stride and stepped over it completely, bumping into a giant bear-elephant looking alien in the process. In response, the beastly creature gave Graves a small shove back.
Graves’ blaster leaped to his hand (modifying the gun to leap was tricky, but worth it) and he shoved it into the disgusting creature’s face. The creature gave a snort and replied, in a thick accent,
“What?”
Graves gave a small chuckle (but didn’t smile) as he called back,
“What?”
The other ambassadors, and ‘out’, watched expectantly, as the two began calling back to each other,
“WHAT?!”
“WHAT?!!”
“WHAT?!!!”
“WHAT?!!!!”
“WHAT?!!!!”
Graves took a deep breath. He was dying for a cigarette. He sneered at the giant space monster’s small beady eyes and announced,
“You’re alright.”
An ensign frantically ran up, handed the giant alien a welcome packet, and then ushered him towards the ‘welcome’ room. The alien didn’t budge until the ensign assured it that there was food there. The alien behind it, a weird buggy creature, then began flapping all six of his arms in the air, crying out,
“That’s my body guard! He isn’t applying for…”
Graves’ face tightened up again.
“Are you insulting my new friend?”
“I, uh…”
“BACK OF THE LINE!”
The next alien was almost human, albeit a bit more amphibious, and wore a mask over his face, to help him breathe the air in the ship’s environment.
Graves yanked it off with a single tug.
As the creature fiddled with it, desperately trying to get it re-attached, the lieutenant rolled his eyes and announced to all the potential ambassadors,
“If you can’t breathe oxygen, then you’re just not trying hard enough.”
Graves shoved the panicked creature back, stretched his neck, ignored the hovering brain, waved in the floating ball of light without a word, and as the ensign tried to figure out how to hand the energy-being a packet, Graves found himself in front of the cow again.
“We of the Vorlon Sphere…”
Graves decided to show a little mercy. It couldn’t be easy, being a cow. As the alien began to ramble, the Lieutenant twirled his right hand in the ‘wrap it up’ motion.
“Trade with half of known…”
Graves extended his hand a mere inch from the creature’s face.
“Stop there. Trade? Weapons? Agricultural? Technology?”
“All three actual…”
Graves whistled and pointed at the Cow. As the ensign rushed up to give the alien a packet, Graves stepped up to the same bug creature from before. The lieutenant’s face flushed with rage, as he howled,
“YOU COULDN’T GET IN FRONT OF THE COW?! WHAT THE HELL IS HUMANITY SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A RACE THAT HAS TO WAIT BEHIND A COW?!”
…
“…and then I slapped him twice!”
Captain Donald nodded approvingly.
“Very good, Graves. Well done. Anything else of interest?”
Graves, now back in his standard uniform, stepped up the captain and whispered conspiratorially,
“Well, there’s this INCREDIBLY hot alien chick among them who wants to consummate her race’s union with ours by mating with the captain of our ship…”
Captain Don nodded thoughtfully and mused,
“Wow! That sure sounds like a great…HEY! Are you trying to get me eaten by an alien, so you can move up in rank?”
“YOU GOT ME!”
As they shared a good natured laugh, every alarm in the room suddenly went off at once. A high pitched feminine voice, selected from the very shrillest of Earth’s nuns, cried out,
“RED ALERT! RED ALERT!”
Captain Donald slammed his fist down on his desk, and even Graves flinched a little. With a press of a button, the Captain cried out to the deck,
“Who died?!”
Gibbs’ familiar voice rung out,
“Sir! We have a distress call from…”
Don growled and yelled at the computer,
“Downgrade to Code Orange!”
Gibbs protested,
“But sir, the…”
“YELLOW!”
“But sir…”
Don seemed to calm down almost at once, and he casually asked his second in command,
“How do you feel, Graves?”
The young officer shrugged and responded,
“Honestly? I feel downright mellow.”
“Very good! Computer, downgrade to Code…Teal.”
The light in the room went suddenly bluish green, and the computer played a recording of the ancient actor Ben Stein saying,
“Teal.”
A few moments later…
“Teal.”
Captain Donald leaned out the door of his office, pointed at the blushing Lieutenant Gibbs and growled,
“You’re now restricted to orange only! Red will not be used unless you and the rest of the crew are already dead!”
Gibbs’ fellow crew members began consoling him with supportive cries of ‘oooooooo’ and ‘you’re in trouble’, as the Captain strode angrily to his desk, flopped back into his chair, stroked his fingers against his bare head and announced,
“You know what? Screw it. I’m not even leaving the room for this. What line are they on?”
A voice cried out from the deck,
“Line one!”
Don pushed the button and heard terrified, alien screams coming out of the overhead speaker. A deep, wheezing voice called out,
“Please! We’re being destroyed! The technology we’re facing is unlike any we’ve ever…”
Captain Donald groaned and asked, in a dismissive tone of voice,
“Ship, monster or pure energy…you know what? It doesn’t matter. Did you try the ‘everything we’ve got’ button?”
United Federation of Planets regulations required all allied aliens to have every weapon at their disposal hardwired to fire at the push of a single button. That way it’d save time when they all failed at once.
“Yes, and it…”
“Does it speak? Have you tried logic puzzles and reading it passages from the Official Earth Handbook of Trite Philosophy?”
“Yes, but it didn’t…”
Graves interjected,
“Do you have a normal method for dealing with this kind of thing?”
“Yes, but it…”
“Reverse it.”
Captain Don snapped his fingers and nodded approvingly at his second in command. The alien voice cried out,
“Yes, but that’s…WAIT! Of course! That’s ingenious! It’ll reverse the flow of the…”
Don leaned forward and impatiently interrupted the alien emperor of whatever planet they were speaking to,
“Yeah, thanks for calling, bye bye…”
A startled cry and small explosion blared from the speaker just as Don’s hand hovered over the call button. The captain rolled his eyes as the alien’s panicked voice returned,
“It’s no good! It just isn’t harming it enough to…”
Don rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and muttered,
“Try aiming for the middle…or the shiniest part of it. Which ever’s more applicable.”
At first there was only silence from the speaker. Was it over? The captain and his first officer spent the incredibly tense moment exchanging rude gestures. Eventually, the quivering alien replied,
“You mean…the shiny middle part?”
Don let his face land directly onto his desk. As the captain slammed his hand onto the back of his own head (in an apparent attempt to break his skull open on the table), Graves glanced up at the intercom, and in his most serious voice replied,
“Yes, my friend…its shiny…middle…part. Make it so.”
As Graves left to use the restroom and Captain Donald continued hitting himself in the head, a tremendous explosion erupted over the transmitter. The sound of a hundred alien voices simultaneously cried out in triumph, as the captain spun a single finger in the air.
Slowly, carefully, Don lowered the same finger towards the off button, just as the alien’s voice returned,
“Thank you, captain! You will be recorded in our in our history books as the savior of our entire race!”
Don raised his head up slightly, rested his chin on the edge of the table, and tried to sound as happy as possible,
“Wonderful!”
“The way you combined creativity and logic to find a solution is nothing short of historic!”
“Great to hear!”
“Your deeds will be retold throughout time, from zagmar to darklar, for generations to come!”
“Go to hell!”
“You know, we aren’t so different, you and…”
“OFF!”
Captain Don leaned back in his chair, his hands once more upon his head. Graves stepped back into the room, mentally commanding his fly to refasten as he entered (the Psy-zip, by the way, was voted best invention of the year in 2636 A.D., and again in 14 A.M.W.).
The two men exchanged glances, as the captain mused,
“Why do we put up with this?”
Graves looked at the ceiling, stroked his chin, and then after some careful thought, he offered,
“Uh…the nearly limitless power?”
Captain Donald rubbed the back of his head, mused over it himself, and then nodded.
“Yeah, it’s probably the power. I kind of wish it was a little more difficult though. Space aliens are just so fricking stupid.”
Graves shrugged, gave a short salute, spun in place, and then strolled towards the door.
Out of nowhere, the captain had a sudden attack of conscience. He called out to the young officer,
“Graves…I have to admit something. I didn’t actually have to leave you and the ambassadors waiting for so long…I just wanted to annoy my ex-wife’s boyfriend.”
Graves’ smile didn’t fade,
“Yeah, I know. It’s okay.”
The Lieutenant honestly didn’t seem affected by the news as he stepped out onto the bridge, pressed a few keys on door’s keypad, and casually added,
“Oh, and I just wanted you to know…I stole your keys.”
As the door slid shut, the captain couldn’t miss the distinct sound of a clicking lock. Technology had gotten to the point that doors didn’t click when they locked, of course, so Graves had the sound installed.
The captain immediately rushed to the door, futilely pressed the key pad and then slammed his fist against it a few times before shouting through it,
“I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL SET THIS THING TO SELF DESTRUCT! YOU HEAR ME?!”
The only thing he heard was laughter.
Donald made a silent vow of ridiculously violent revenge that would be fulfilled the very second he FOUND HIS DAMN KEYS!
“Computer, where the hell are my keys?!”
Miss Johansson’s voice cooed over the intercom,
“Did you leave them in your other pants?”
“I SWEAR TO GOD…”
“Can’t you see them?”
Don knew that tone of voice. It was playful, but serious. She wouldn’t use that tone of voice unless she could back it up. They keys had to be in there.
Under his evil twin’s skull? No, that’s where he left them a few days ago, and obviously where Graves found them…
In the jar of medals? Captain Donald dumped them out, but no dice…
Under the gun? No…
On the shelf…by…the…window…
At first they were merely a speck in the captain’s peripheral vision. Don slowly turned his head to face the window. His face pressed firmly against the glass as he stared at his ring of keys, floating out in space.
A small camera lens poked out of the wall. Despite being separated from the bridge by a sheet of solid titanium, Captain Donald could clearly hear the howls of laughter.
With a casual click of his thumb, Captain Don set his blaster to autofire.
Several brilliant blasts of energy erupted through the door, sending shards of pure titanium flying into the wall opposite it.
After a minute or so, the captain casually stepped through the twisted wreckage, blaster still in hand, and he turned towards his loyal crew, to check and see if anyone 'wanted some'.
They did not 'want some'. In fact, they were all avoiding his gaze, intently typing away at their respective stations as if nothing had happened. Graves and Miss Johansson were nowhere to be seen.
Gibbs was the only member of the crew who honestly appeared to be working, and probably hadn’t stopped working, even through the explosion. Don gave a sigh and groaned,
“Gibbs.”
“Yes sir!”
“Have someone in maintenance fix the door.”
“Yes sir!”
“Then personally go out and get the keys that are hanging outside my office window.”
“Right away sir!”
“I’m going to bed.”
“That’s funny sir, because lieutenant Graves and Miss Johansson were just saying the…”
Gibbs didn’t like the captain’s expression one bit.
“Uh…your keys, right sir. Anything else, sir?”
The captain lumbered off towards the lift. Before leaving, he took one last look through the gaping hole in his office door, and added,
“While you're out there...get me that pack of cigarettes.”
Man, I'm off my groove. I blame work, like I usually do. ^_^
Here's something I wrote when more coherent, that always makes me laugh. It's a sci-fi comedy that could only come from watching too many episodes of Star Trek. Enjoy!
RED ALERT
"Sir, an unidentified alien ship of unknown design is approaching us from the Vega quadrant!"
"Shoot it."
"Yes sir!"
The crew turned towards the screen in anticipation.
BOOM!
There was a light cheer from the deck as the colorful explosion erupted onto the screen. There's no sound in space of course, but the captain pressed the 'BOOM!' sound effect button just as the alien ship vaporized. A few of the geeks measured the explosion and checked the tables of their fantasy space war teams as the rest of the crew went on with their lives.
The only one not celebrating was the captain. This was serious. He'd have to put all other things on hold and deal with this immediately.
"Lieutenant Gibbs, I need to see you in my office, right now."
Gibbs stopped checking his notes and strode immediately into the Captain's office. Don was gazing thoughtfully out his window at the vastness of space. Occasionally a random piece of debris would reflect off the window, usually either a small meteor, piece of the alien ship, or an empty pack of cigarettes.
Don noticed that one of the packs was only half empty. It was his favorite brand too. Could he send someone out to get them? He’s captain after all, it’s not like they…nah, on second thought, that was far too demeaning a task to make anyone do. Besides, there were more important matters at hand.
"Gibbs, we've talked about your shouting."
The Lieutenant looked a little uncomfortable and nervous, despite the fact that he was a full foot taller, thirty pounds lighter and twenty years younger than the captain. Of course, standing in the captain’s office was intimidating enough to scare anyone, as upon his desk were a jar filled with medals, a modified hand blaster, and the skull of his evil twin.
Gibbs wringed his hands behind his back and stammered,
"Unknown aliens...were approaching us from..."
Captain Donald happily interrupted him, a smile upon his face. He loved being angry.
"Yes! Yes! Aliens of an unknown type were approaching us from parts unknown and it’s our job to BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! Listen, we don't have to fly off the handle just because some nobody aliens are rushing us. You know very well that things have been a lot different since they passed the ANCA..."
...
The ANCA, or 'Absolutely No Crap Amendment' was unanimously voted in by the entire United Federation of Planets two years prior. It was introduced long before then, but it was voted down nearly unanimously year after year, right up until the year Earth successfully ejected every other planet from the Federation besides themselves. The ANCA imposed the following twelve restrictions upon all other alien races:
LAW 1: Knock it off.
LAW 2: Absolutely no more Galactic Senates. They suck.
LAW 3: Check with us before doing ANYTHING.
LAW 4: No psychic powers that involve melding minds...in fact, don't touch us at all.
LAW 5: No fair looking human. Grow horns or something.
LAW 6: We end all communications that begin with 'We're not so different'.
LAW 7: No universal consciousness hippie shit.
LAW 8: Our blasters no longer have stun settings. Not a law, but a friendly FYI.
LAW 9: Either use mechanical translators or learn Universal Standard (Spanish).
LAW 10: We reserve the right to slap you on a whim.
LAW 11: Shut up.
LAW 12: Go to bed.
...
"But sir! We can't just..."
"Yes we can! That's the whole point, Gibbs! Any ship that comes up without hailing you is going to either attack us or have a monster on board!”
Gibbs had heard such statements before…from every other member of the crew for that matter…but he wasn’t about to give up so easily.
“But sir, what if it’s a friendly race that needs our help?”
Captain Don stared up at the poor naïve fool. He’d been reading too many independent holo-news programs, no doubt. Don shook his head and stated matter-of-factly,
“It’s been well documented that every alien race is either evil, useless, or insane.”
The captain was more or less quoting the Universal Encyclopedia, volume A, word for word.
“Even if they didn’t mean to kill us, then they’d just be useless idiots anyway! Be it space plague, planet sized monsters or creator races back to show us the error of our ways, it's always Earth that has to save the day! Remember the Synoks?"
"But sir..."
"REMEMBER THE SYNOKS?"
Lieutenant Gibbs looked down at his well polished boots as his Captain continued,
"One race of giant bugs terrorized the ENTIRE galaxy for a millennia. Thousands of planets feared total annihilation. The entire Galactic Senate’s military force was eliminated to an alien. All seemed hopeless and bleak, until a SINGLE Earth ship came into orbit and within FORTY-TWO MINUTES..."
BEEP
Captain Donald rubbed the top of his bald head and pressed against his temples,
"For the love of...yes?"
A screen on the wall flicked on, revealing a beautiful, dark haired, middle aged woman. Don forced himself to smile and act pleasantly (as per the court order) as he responded to his ex-wife,
"Yesssssssssss?"
She stared at the captain with an annoyed smirk, responding with an expectant,
"Yes..."
The captain rolled his eyes and attempted to greet her again,
"Mrs. Johans..."
"Miss."
"YES, MISS JOHANSSON?"
Miss Johansson gave a cheerful little grin, paused for a moment longer and then finally answered,
"The potential alien ambassadors have been waiting seven hours for their screening, which is..."
"Yes, yes...Graves is hosting, right?"
Miss Robinson closed her eyes and began to purr.
"Mmmmmm…yeah."
Gibbs could hear the captain's teeth scrape and strain against each other, but Don held his legally required smile like a pro. His ex-wife gave a pleasant chuckle and added,
"Oh you two always get along so well! He was such a great help to us when we were having problems during our marriage...well, more of a help to me...”
"YES! Very good! Just give him clearance to handle it himself.”
Miss Johansson didn’t seem to be hearing him though. She seemed dreamily lost in thought as she continued,
“…and more to the end of the marriage...”
“YES! Very…”
“…and mostly during lunch breaks…"
“OFF!"
The screen went blank.
Ah 'OFF'. They could legally drive him to insanity, but that couldn't take away his 'OFF'. The Captain kicked his feet up onto his desk and muttered to Gibbs,
"Seven hours...man...I only meant to keep them waiting six."
Gibbs scratched the side of his cheek and pondered,
“Shouldn’t you handle this yourself sir? They will be representing their respective species.”
Donald almost forgot he was chewing out the Lieutenant. Gibbs really should’ve ducked out of the room during the distraction. Hell, that’s how Don made it to Captain. Well, that and blackmail.
Before continuing the brow beating, the captain casually replied,
“Lieutenant Graves knows how to handle delicate situations like these.”
...
“I WILL PERSONALLY EXECUTE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU GODDAMN SPACE LIZARDS THAT SO MUCH AS LOOKS AT ME FUNNY!”
The large, cold ship hanger went from being filled with the sound of angry alien muttering, to dead silence. Every last potential ambassador stared at the young, grim faced human in front of them. His complexion was darker than most of the other humans, and his hair was cut almost all the way to his scalp, but what the aliens noticed more than anything else were his wide, furious eyes.
“FORM A LINE!”
As the aliens quickly shuffled into a line (and briefly argued over their respective positions within said line), Graves continued,
“As you various space monsters may be well aware, we are in a space hanger. As you freaks of the cosmos…”
A gray, squat being stepped out of line and declared, in broken Universal Standard,
“How dare you! My civilization has ten thousand years of…”
Graves fired his blaster into the air. Technology was at the point that blasters made no sound, but Graves had rigged his to make it ring out like a shotgun. When the room was silent once more, the tall, young Lieutenant called back,
“What your civilization HAS is another YEAR before it can apply again! OUT!”
The captain may have had OFF, but Graves had OUT. Out were two large guards, each carefully trained in the subtle art of dragging people away. They were both human, but their appearance and builds were more similar to hairless gorillas. Graves found the one on the left working in a prison, and the one on the right starting a fight in a bar. The remaining potential ambassadors kept quiet.
“As you various creatures may be aware of is that I, and every other employee of the United Federation within this room, are wearing what we call SPACE SUITS. That way, if anything bad happens, such as an attempted attack, alien virus, or bomb goes off or whatever…all we have to do is open the hanger door, and everything in this room flushes out into space. Shuttles pick up the living one by one, and then bat the corpses into the nearest sun. BEGIN!”
After a moment of confusion, the first ambassador stepped up, flush with anger. The alien (of the Giopi race) knew that the human’s tirade couldn’t possibly be focused upon his incredibly powerful and influential race. Regardless, he had been forced to wait for seven hours, and that was far too much for a great Giopian to bear. The giant, featherless duck waddled up to the Lieutenant and began, with his beak in the air,
“Listen human, while your race were mere apes in the trees, the invincible army of…”
WHAM!
Graves dropped the ambassador with a single punch, stepped over his unconscious body, shook his slightly numb hand, and then faced the next applicant, who resembled a slightly nervous bipedal cow,
“Uh…well I…”
“Too slow. Back of the line.”
The cow fidgeted and looked around, uncertain. Graves restated himself,
“BACK OF THE LINE!”
The alien rushed back, as a barely dressed, mostly human looking (only with ridiculously long ears), beautiful female ambassador slipped forward. Her slender stomach was bare and exposed, her chest was barely concealed, her legs were draped in the finest nearly transparent cloth, her feet were bear, and her hair was long and as black as outer space. The gorgeous potential ambassador placed her slender hands upon Grave’s shoulders and cooed,
“I am of the Erothi, and we shall happily perform any task that you and your race reARGHHH!”
Graves gripped upon her hair with one hand and her jaw with the other, forcing her mouth open. He then carefully examined the many rows of large, jagged teeth within her mouth. Graves nodded and muttered,
“Carnivorous females, eat males after mating, yadda yadda yadda…”
It was nothing he hadn’t seen before. Graves casually tossed her aside, and ‘out’ held her off as she viciously snapped her teeth in Graves’ direction.
Graves skipped the next few,
“Ugly…lizard…doing the evil ‘tapping fingertips together’ in front of face…”
He stopped in front of a small furry bear, not much larger than a human child. It smiled meekly and held up a single yellow flower towards the Lieutenant.
Without a word, Graves lengthened his stride and stepped over it completely, bumping into a giant bear-elephant looking alien in the process. In response, the beastly creature gave Graves a small shove back.
Graves’ blaster leaped to his hand (modifying the gun to leap was tricky, but worth it) and he shoved it into the disgusting creature’s face. The creature gave a snort and replied, in a thick accent,
“What?”
Graves gave a small chuckle (but didn’t smile) as he called back,
“What?”
The other ambassadors, and ‘out’, watched expectantly, as the two began calling back to each other,
“WHAT?!”
“WHAT?!!”
“WHAT?!!!”
“WHAT?!!!!”
“WHAT?!!!!”
Graves took a deep breath. He was dying for a cigarette. He sneered at the giant space monster’s small beady eyes and announced,
“You’re alright.”
An ensign frantically ran up, handed the giant alien a welcome packet, and then ushered him towards the ‘welcome’ room. The alien didn’t budge until the ensign assured it that there was food there. The alien behind it, a weird buggy creature, then began flapping all six of his arms in the air, crying out,
“That’s my body guard! He isn’t applying for…”
Graves’ face tightened up again.
“Are you insulting my new friend?”
“I, uh…”
“BACK OF THE LINE!”
The next alien was almost human, albeit a bit more amphibious, and wore a mask over his face, to help him breathe the air in the ship’s environment.
Graves yanked it off with a single tug.
As the creature fiddled with it, desperately trying to get it re-attached, the lieutenant rolled his eyes and announced to all the potential ambassadors,
“If you can’t breathe oxygen, then you’re just not trying hard enough.”
Graves shoved the panicked creature back, stretched his neck, ignored the hovering brain, waved in the floating ball of light without a word, and as the ensign tried to figure out how to hand the energy-being a packet, Graves found himself in front of the cow again.
“We of the Vorlon Sphere…”
Graves decided to show a little mercy. It couldn’t be easy, being a cow. As the alien began to ramble, the Lieutenant twirled his right hand in the ‘wrap it up’ motion.
“Trade with half of known…”
Graves extended his hand a mere inch from the creature’s face.
“Stop there. Trade? Weapons? Agricultural? Technology?”
“All three actual…”
Graves whistled and pointed at the Cow. As the ensign rushed up to give the alien a packet, Graves stepped up to the same bug creature from before. The lieutenant’s face flushed with rage, as he howled,
“YOU COULDN’T GET IN FRONT OF THE COW?! WHAT THE HELL IS HUMANITY SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A RACE THAT HAS TO WAIT BEHIND A COW?!”
…
“…and then I slapped him twice!”
Captain Donald nodded approvingly.
“Very good, Graves. Well done. Anything else of interest?”
Graves, now back in his standard uniform, stepped up the captain and whispered conspiratorially,
“Well, there’s this INCREDIBLY hot alien chick among them who wants to consummate her race’s union with ours by mating with the captain of our ship…”
Captain Don nodded thoughtfully and mused,
“Wow! That sure sounds like a great…HEY! Are you trying to get me eaten by an alien, so you can move up in rank?”
“YOU GOT ME!”
As they shared a good natured laugh, every alarm in the room suddenly went off at once. A high pitched feminine voice, selected from the very shrillest of Earth’s nuns, cried out,
“RED ALERT! RED ALERT!”
Captain Donald slammed his fist down on his desk, and even Graves flinched a little. With a press of a button, the Captain cried out to the deck,
“Who died?!”
Gibbs’ familiar voice rung out,
“Sir! We have a distress call from…”
Don growled and yelled at the computer,
“Downgrade to Code Orange!”
Gibbs protested,
“But sir, the…”
“YELLOW!”
“But sir…”
Don seemed to calm down almost at once, and he casually asked his second in command,
“How do you feel, Graves?”
The young officer shrugged and responded,
“Honestly? I feel downright mellow.”
“Very good! Computer, downgrade to Code…Teal.”
The light in the room went suddenly bluish green, and the computer played a recording of the ancient actor Ben Stein saying,
“Teal.”
A few moments later…
“Teal.”
Captain Donald leaned out the door of his office, pointed at the blushing Lieutenant Gibbs and growled,
“You’re now restricted to orange only! Red will not be used unless you and the rest of the crew are already dead!”
Gibbs’ fellow crew members began consoling him with supportive cries of ‘oooooooo’ and ‘you’re in trouble’, as the Captain strode angrily to his desk, flopped back into his chair, stroked his fingers against his bare head and announced,
“You know what? Screw it. I’m not even leaving the room for this. What line are they on?”
A voice cried out from the deck,
“Line one!”
Don pushed the button and heard terrified, alien screams coming out of the overhead speaker. A deep, wheezing voice called out,
“Please! We’re being destroyed! The technology we’re facing is unlike any we’ve ever…”
Captain Donald groaned and asked, in a dismissive tone of voice,
“Ship, monster or pure energy…you know what? It doesn’t matter. Did you try the ‘everything we’ve got’ button?”
United Federation of Planets regulations required all allied aliens to have every weapon at their disposal hardwired to fire at the push of a single button. That way it’d save time when they all failed at once.
“Yes, and it…”
“Does it speak? Have you tried logic puzzles and reading it passages from the Official Earth Handbook of Trite Philosophy?”
“Yes, but it didn’t…”
Graves interjected,
“Do you have a normal method for dealing with this kind of thing?”
“Yes, but it…”
“Reverse it.”
Captain Don snapped his fingers and nodded approvingly at his second in command. The alien voice cried out,
“Yes, but that’s…WAIT! Of course! That’s ingenious! It’ll reverse the flow of the…”
Don leaned forward and impatiently interrupted the alien emperor of whatever planet they were speaking to,
“Yeah, thanks for calling, bye bye…”
A startled cry and small explosion blared from the speaker just as Don’s hand hovered over the call button. The captain rolled his eyes as the alien’s panicked voice returned,
“It’s no good! It just isn’t harming it enough to…”
Don rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and muttered,
“Try aiming for the middle…or the shiniest part of it. Which ever’s more applicable.”
At first there was only silence from the speaker. Was it over? The captain and his first officer spent the incredibly tense moment exchanging rude gestures. Eventually, the quivering alien replied,
“You mean…the shiny middle part?”
Don let his face land directly onto his desk. As the captain slammed his hand onto the back of his own head (in an apparent attempt to break his skull open on the table), Graves glanced up at the intercom, and in his most serious voice replied,
“Yes, my friend…its shiny…middle…part. Make it so.”
As Graves left to use the restroom and Captain Donald continued hitting himself in the head, a tremendous explosion erupted over the transmitter. The sound of a hundred alien voices simultaneously cried out in triumph, as the captain spun a single finger in the air.
Slowly, carefully, Don lowered the same finger towards the off button, just as the alien’s voice returned,
“Thank you, captain! You will be recorded in our in our history books as the savior of our entire race!”
Don raised his head up slightly, rested his chin on the edge of the table, and tried to sound as happy as possible,
“Wonderful!”
“The way you combined creativity and logic to find a solution is nothing short of historic!”
“Great to hear!”
“Your deeds will be retold throughout time, from zagmar to darklar, for generations to come!”
“Go to hell!”
“You know, we aren’t so different, you and…”
“OFF!”
Captain Don leaned back in his chair, his hands once more upon his head. Graves stepped back into the room, mentally commanding his fly to refasten as he entered (the Psy-zip, by the way, was voted best invention of the year in 2636 A.D., and again in 14 A.M.W.).
The two men exchanged glances, as the captain mused,
“Why do we put up with this?”
Graves looked at the ceiling, stroked his chin, and then after some careful thought, he offered,
“Uh…the nearly limitless power?”
Captain Donald rubbed the back of his head, mused over it himself, and then nodded.
“Yeah, it’s probably the power. I kind of wish it was a little more difficult though. Space aliens are just so fricking stupid.”
Graves shrugged, gave a short salute, spun in place, and then strolled towards the door.
Out of nowhere, the captain had a sudden attack of conscience. He called out to the young officer,
“Graves…I have to admit something. I didn’t actually have to leave you and the ambassadors waiting for so long…I just wanted to annoy my ex-wife’s boyfriend.”
Graves’ smile didn’t fade,
“Yeah, I know. It’s okay.”
The Lieutenant honestly didn’t seem affected by the news as he stepped out onto the bridge, pressed a few keys on door’s keypad, and casually added,
“Oh, and I just wanted you to know…I stole your keys.”
As the door slid shut, the captain couldn’t miss the distinct sound of a clicking lock. Technology had gotten to the point that doors didn’t click when they locked, of course, so Graves had the sound installed.
The captain immediately rushed to the door, futilely pressed the key pad and then slammed his fist against it a few times before shouting through it,
“I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL SET THIS THING TO SELF DESTRUCT! YOU HEAR ME?!”
The only thing he heard was laughter.
Donald made a silent vow of ridiculously violent revenge that would be fulfilled the very second he FOUND HIS DAMN KEYS!
“Computer, where the hell are my keys?!”
Miss Johansson’s voice cooed over the intercom,
“Did you leave them in your other pants?”
“I SWEAR TO GOD…”
“Can’t you see them?”
Don knew that tone of voice. It was playful, but serious. She wouldn’t use that tone of voice unless she could back it up. They keys had to be in there.
Under his evil twin’s skull? No, that’s where he left them a few days ago, and obviously where Graves found them…
In the jar of medals? Captain Donald dumped them out, but no dice…
Under the gun? No…
On the shelf…by…the…window…
At first they were merely a speck in the captain’s peripheral vision. Don slowly turned his head to face the window. His face pressed firmly against the glass as he stared at his ring of keys, floating out in space.
A small camera lens poked out of the wall. Despite being separated from the bridge by a sheet of solid titanium, Captain Donald could clearly hear the howls of laughter.
With a casual click of his thumb, Captain Don set his blaster to autofire.
Several brilliant blasts of energy erupted through the door, sending shards of pure titanium flying into the wall opposite it.
After a minute or so, the captain casually stepped through the twisted wreckage, blaster still in hand, and he turned towards his loyal crew, to check and see if anyone 'wanted some'.
They did not 'want some'. In fact, they were all avoiding his gaze, intently typing away at their respective stations as if nothing had happened. Graves and Miss Johansson were nowhere to be seen.
Gibbs was the only member of the crew who honestly appeared to be working, and probably hadn’t stopped working, even through the explosion. Don gave a sigh and groaned,
“Gibbs.”
“Yes sir!”
“Have someone in maintenance fix the door.”
“Yes sir!”
“Then personally go out and get the keys that are hanging outside my office window.”
“Right away sir!”
“I’m going to bed.”
“That’s funny sir, because lieutenant Graves and Miss Johansson were just saying the…”
Gibbs didn’t like the captain’s expression one bit.
“Uh…your keys, right sir. Anything else, sir?”
The captain lumbered off towards the lift. Before leaving, he took one last look through the gaping hole in his office door, and added,
“While you're out there...get me that pack of cigarettes.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)