OUCH! What a week! I'll leave out the depressing details and just go on the record as saying I'm fine now, although a bit woozy and disoriented.

What do we do when we're woozy and disoriented? POST!

AMBER'S QUESTION

I'm letting my gaming group, and anyone who reads my blog and is interested, give me questions. I've been assembling my random work in progress 'The Menig of Life' and I realized I'm just about done. Included is a lot of questions I've answered over the internet (with a lot of thanks to www.questionswap.com), but I'm a little bit shy of a 100 questions. So, I'm giving the gamers and readers a chance to ask whatever ones they'd like, one a piece (if I go over a 100, I'll just get a rid of a few of the weaker ones I already have).

Amber's already given hers, and its a doozy, and one very close to my heart. Most of my answers fit on one page, but I think I might go a bit over that this time:

Q. Tell me, once and for all, who killed Mr. Body, where and with what?

USA

A. Oh boy. I was born to answer this question. First of all, I'm incredibly obsessed with Clue (Cluedo for those in the UK), ever since I first saw the movie when I was eight. For...good God...twenty years (I'm old) it's been one of my all-time favorite movies.

Secondly, there are people on the internet even more obsessed with Clue then I am! There's a stage play, and Rocky Horror Picture Show-like shows where they play the movie while simultaneously having actors play it out underneath the screen. In past years they even had some of the original cast! How could I have not have heard of this?! I'd like to thank www.theartofmurder.com which contains a ridiculous amount of information about the board game.

Thirdly...did I make a post about the movie? I think I did. Oh well, that's for another time.

Fourthly, let's not dwell on the movie. The movie is merely an intpretation of the game, and if you want the definitive answer, we have to go to the game.

The problem is, in the original game, we know so little about any of the characters. Many versions of the game have many differences. Newer versions even have bios of the characters, but they're contradictory, so let's stick with the original.

I'm an Agatha Christie fan at heart, so I believe everything hinges on the characters. How the murder was committed...wait, can't they tell? You'd think they'd be able to tell just by looking at his body...unless the body is stabbed, shot, bludgeoned and strangled in order to confuse the evidence, or the body was destroyed beyond repair (thrown into the furnace or something). In any case, when we figure out who did it, then their personalities should tell us where and with what.

Mr. Body: The victim. He's rich and almost certainly an older man. He's the kind of man who has a Ball Room and Billiard room, so he most likely entertains a lot, or has in the past. A Conservatory in the house, but no gardener, suggests that he himself gardens. The fact that there's both a study, a library and a lounge suggests that he's an avid reader. This paints the picture of a man with a very active past who is coming to the later years in life, and finds he now has to bring the pleasures of the world to himself. These kinds of men, like the Great Gatsby, often makes questionable friends.

Mrs. White: His maid, who is apparently married, or a widow. Most likely she's a widow who's filling the void in her life by acting as a maid rather than retiring. Mr. Body might have left her something nice in his will, but if she dies first, she'll never get it, and never get the chance to experience the true pleasures of life. The poor woman doesn't realize that she probably merely needs to ask, and he'll give it to her. Instead she might be driven to a darker deed, and what better time then at a party, filled with more likely suspects. Likely weapons: knife, revolver

Col. Mustard: A military man, usually portrayed as an English 'big game hunter' type, and these types have a long history of running out of money. A military salary isn't up to supporting a lavish lifestyle, and although Mr. Body probably keeps him close for his wealth of experiences and stories, Col. Mustard most likely stays close for the lavish parties, fine foods, and to borrow money. He doesn't seem likely to receive something in a will and Mr. Body doesn't seem the type to squeeze him for something owed, but what if after a few too many drinks, Col. Mustard told Mr. Body something that had happened during the war, that could ruin the Colonel and horrified Body. What if Body refused to give any more money? What if Mustard got angry? He most likely killed in a war, so what's one more enemy? Likely weapons: knife, revolver, wrench, lead pipe (I think he would have found the candlestick a bit too feminine for his tastes).

Miss Scarlet: A classic femme fatale type, and the most likely of the women to have killed Mr. Body in a fit of anger. Is she a plaything of Mr. Body, or is she merely trying to be so? I imagine her coming to the party with one of the other guests, most likely Mrs. Peacock or Mr. Green. Was her advances rejected by Mr. Body, setting off a fit of anger? Does she believe she's in his will? Miss Scarlet is also the most likely to have a stranger, darker motive, such as being an illegitimate child of his, or at least claiming to be so. Miss Scarlet seems to be both a grifter and a blackmailer, and overall she's the most mysterious of the guests. Likely weapons: knife, relvolver, candlestick, lead pipe (the wrench would seem a bit dirty and unfamiliar, but the pipe could be well hidden though, so hard to pass up)

Mr. Green: Who is Mr. Green? The most mysterious of the men, in Cluedo, and later editions of Clue, he's a dishonest man of the cloth, who uses scripture to help scam the rich, but in the early versions of the game he just seems to be a large, middleaged businessman. There's much to suggest he's involved with illegal practices, and even quite a bit to suggest he's involved with the mob. In any case, he's most likely not trying to get more money out of Mr. Body, but trying to cover something up out of fear. Has he been stealing from Mr. Body? Is Mr. Body about to discover his fraud? Being an older man, it's possible that he's in business with Mr. Body. Is he trying to hide something, or is he merely a convenient scapegoat for someone else? Mr. Green is most likely to be the person who was framed for the murder, if he didn't commit it himself. Likely weapons: Almost certainly the Revolver, but knife, lead pipe, and candlestick are possible.

Mrs. Peacock: The high society woman, Mrs. Peacock is probably the least suspicious of the suspects, unless there's something about her past with Mr. Body that infuriates her. She cares about her position in society, but her secrets are most likely embarrassing, rather than ruinous. Perhaps she's an old flame of Mr. Body who is infuriated by seeing him with young women like Miss Scarlett, but if that's the case, wouldn't she kill her instead? Another possiblity is that she's related to Mr. Body, needs his money badly and wants to get at what's in his will...or perhaps she's afraid a young flame like Miss Scarlet will get him to change his will altogether. Likely weapons: revolver, knife, wrench (a remarkably unladylike weapon, but it would draw suspicion away from her and onto one of the men).

Prof. Plum: A professor of what? Later references suggest Archeology, but who knows? He's usually portrayed as too young to have been a professor of Mr. Body's or a fellow classmate, and although he might be there because of Mr. Body's love of books, he seems far too young to be a notable scholar. More likely Prof. Plum has some new, revolutionary theory that makes him noteworthy and got him an invitation to the party. What if Mr. Body has a very old and rare book that proves his theory wrong. Mr. Body might have thought that Plum would find it interesting, but this might have caused Plum to flip out. Mr. Body may also fund the man's projects, but if Mr. Body dies, the funding will surely stop anyway. If Plum did it, it was in a sudden fit of insanity, which means he most likely would have used whatever was sitting around. Likely weapons: knife, candlestick, wrench

Now, you may realize that no one is using the rope. Why would they? Using a rope to strangle someone is not something one of these women would have the physical strenght to use on a full grown man or know how to even tie for that matter. One of the men could have used it, but they could have used their bare hands just as easily. No, I'm discounting the rope.

I'm also discounting the hall and the conservatory. There's too much of a chance they'd be seen or heard. Even a lunatic in a fit of anger would have waited for a more private location, or a room without so many windows. This leaves: the kitchen, study, lounge, library, billiards room, ball room and dining room. Now, in order for Mr. Body to have been murdered, he would have had to have been alone with the person for a secret meeting, or completely alone and the other person walked in on him. Mr. Body doesn't seem to be the type who would stay alone at a party, so let's assume he had a private meeting with a guest. Where would they go? It depends on the guest.

Col. Mustard would either be the billiard room or lounge, as he has no interest in the more academic rooms and dinner's long over. Mr. Green would talk business, and Mr. Body's business papers are most likely in the study, although the library and lounge are possible. Prof. Plum would almost certainly be in the library, but the study is possible. Miss Scarlet would be in a private, more comfy room, most likely the lounge or the ball room (who knows, they might have been sharing a private dance). Mrs. White is an older woman, so she'd try to catch Mr. Body unprepared in an area he's accustomed to seeing her, most likely the kitchen or dining room. Mrs. Peacock, if a murderer, is a highly manipulative woman, and would have asked him to come to the room that they're least likely to be seen in and be occupied during a party, after dinner, either the kitchen or dining room.

The scenarios are coming together:

Col. Mustard was having a quiet chat with Mr. Body and then suddenly KILLED HIM! Who knows why, and it could have been in anger. If it was in the billiard room or lounge, where they likely had their meeting, then the wrench and candlestick don't make much sense, as neither would be there. No, Mustard is a proud hunter and soldier and would have used his own weapon, and even the knife seems a bit feminine for his tastes. No, it would have been his own revolver, which no one knew he had. If it was planned, he would have done it in the lounge, pulled the body into the secret passage, covered it up as best he could and return nonchalantly back to the party. If it was spur of the moment, it was probably during a game of billiards, so the gunshot probably wouldn't have been muffled and he would have had to dart into the library, where he would most likely see Plum, whom he would use as an alibi.

Miss White would have asked Mr. Body to step into either the Kitchen or Dining room for a moment, as both were most likely empty at the time, and then used one of the kitchen knives to turn him into an impression of the world's largest piece of swiss cheese. She knew about the secret passageway and have dumped his body there for a moment, cleaned up the kitchen (even if someone walked in, seeing the maid clean up a bloody knife and mess after meat was served at dinner is not that suspicious) and then deposited the body somewhere at her leisure. She would have had years to plan this, and the revolver seems more of a spur of the moment type of weapon.

Prof. Plum would have certainly been in the library whether or not he was with Mr. Body, as parties most likely aren't his kind of thing, which means no one else could have killed Body there. They meet, Mr. Body good-naturedly shows Plum that everything that Plum's worked for is a lie, and so Plum freaks out, grabs the nearest weapon, which would most likely be a decorative candlestick, and bash Body's brains in. Plum would continue to freak, dump the body in a random place, perhaps throw it into a fire to try to destroy it, and then go hide in a corner somewhere.

Miss Peacock, tearing up, quietly begs Mr. Body to see her somewhere private. Where? Why a secret passageway of course! What could be more secluded then that? Okay, so it has to be in a room, so it'd be room that has a secret passageway, namely the kitchen. He convinces her to step off toward the entrance of the passageway, reaches into her purse, and with her other hand, hands him a photograph. He looks at the photograph intently, which allows her to pull out the wrench and smash his head to pieces. While she's near the kitchen, she takes the time to destroy the body in the passageway, making it look like the most grisly murder possible, and deposits it in a random part of the house.

Mr. Green can't meet privately with Mr. Body in the library because that geek Plum is there, and the study leads to the kitchen, where he's likely to run into Mrs. White if he pops out. No, this is happening in the lounge, which is a strange place to commit the murder during a party, but Mr. Green knows about the passage, and who's going to be in the conservatory at this hour? They talk, there's a revelation, and so Mr. Green grabs a pillow, hands it to the confused older man, presses the revolver against it and then pulls the trigger. Green packs up the papers and goes through the passageway. Someone finds the body, screams, leading everyone away from the study, where Green dumps the evidence into the fire, discards the gun, and then nonchalantly walks to the scene of the crime.

Miss Scarlet invites Mr. Body to the ballroom, either as a romantic interest or a as the daughter he never had. Either way, Mr. Body can't possibly pass up a private slow dance with the lovely lady. Perhaps she even has a record player playing in the background. They're alone, they sway together pleasantly and the old man relaxes. Then, for some unknown reason, she pulls out the knife from her sleeve, and stabs him in the back of the kneck, Agatha Christie style. She holds him close, and pulls him over to the piano cover that's neatly folded up in the corner of the room. She wraps up the body and dumps it out a window, to destory or tamper with at her leisure. Perhaps she even tears up a little. Who knows, she may care for the old man. At least it was quick, and he was happy when it happened.

So who dunnit?

TO BE CONTINUED!

DUN DUN DUN

Just kidding, it was...

*LIGHTS GO OUT*

Wait! What's happening?

*INTRUDERED!*

Gasp!

*STRUGGLE!*

Oof! Curse you! I won't let your evil scheme...

*KNIFE!*

Holstered Kill Bill 2 style! 5 point...

*WRENCH!*

Block with CANDLESTICK!

*PIPE!*

OUCH! My shins!

*REVOLVER!*

Ha! I unloaded it!

*REVOLVER 2.0!*

OW! OW! Stop hitting me with that! HELP!

*ROPE?*

HA! I've got the rope!

*DARN!*

I've got you now, bound and defeated! Let me just turn the lights back on and see who the real culprit...Mitch?

MITCH: Hey

ME: What the hell are you doing here? You couldn't have killed Mr. Body!

MITCH: Who?

ME: What?

MITCH: Where?

ME: HERE!

MITCH: Why slash how?

ME: You tell me!

MITCH: This is just my weekly attempt on your life, man.

ME: Oh.

MITCH: Is this like, about that Clue game or something?

ME: Uh...yeah.

MITCH: So which guy did it?

ME: None of the guys did it.

MITCH: Really? How ya figure?

ME: Plum doesn't have the ability to even walk into a room without stumbling over himself or losing his papers. There's no way he could get away with a murder.

MITCH: Green killed him in the movie.

ME: Yes, and he certainly could have done it, but a party was no place for it, especially not when he'd be the main suspect. No, he'd probably make it look like a burglary or an accident. The middle of the party was not the time or place.

MITCH: What about the hunter guy?

ME: Mustard is a very proud man and soldier. He's far more likely to sock Mr. Body across the face. As a soldier, I think he's also a private man, and a hidden corner of a party wouldn't be the place, not with other people around, he's too smart for that, but not smooth enough to pin it on someone else. Overall he's probably the second most likely person to have done it, but a hidden corner of a party is not where a real man kills someone.

MITCH: What about a woman?

ME: Now you're catching on, but not a loyal humble maid. Besides, Mrs. White would have had a thousand better times to do it, and poison, fake burglary, or a trip down the stairs would have been the means. A fancy party is the kind of place only a flambouant drama queen would commit a murder.

MITCH: She needed an audience.

ME: Now you're getting it! She needed to get him into a private place...

MITCH: It's all coming together...

ME: ...appear vulnerable...

MITCH: ...and then get him when he least suspects it!

ME: YES! AND IT...

MITCH: ...WAS...

ME: MRS. PEACOCK!!!

MITCH: MISS SCARLET!!!

ME: Ye...what? No.

MITCH: Yeah, and she probably brought the old man into the bedroom...

ME: There isn't a bedroom.

MITCH: Then they undress and she mounts the old tycoon...

ME: Ew, he's like 70.

MITCH: Then as the action heats up...

ME: For the love of God, stop.

MITCH: ...and she reaches for the icepick!

ME: That isn't even a weapon!

MITCH: STABBINATE! So it was Miss Scarlet, with the icepick in the guest room, otherwise known as the MPHMRPHPHPH!

*Finishes tying up and gagging Mitch*

There, problem solved. Now where were we?

Oh yes, Mrs. Peacock did it.

Sure, Miss Scarlet probably had the means and a motive, and might even have quite a sinister history, but where's the patsy? Do you really expect me to believe that Miss Scarlet would have done this alone? Col. Mustard and Mr. Green would have each made the perfect fall guy, and either would have been incredibly easy to rope into a murder scheme, especially when the promise of hot love with the young Miss Scarlet would have come as part of the package. Besides, she'd need a man to easily move Mr. Body's body around. Miss Scarlet may very well have murder within her, but like all classic femme fatales, she'd get some poor disposable sucker to do it for her.

No, it's Mrs. Peacock. The silly and harmless high society woman who Mr. Body somehow pushed too far. Women like her are either born into luxury or make their own way in the world, hand over fist. Given the other strange people at the party, Mrs. Peacock isn't as nearly entwined into high society as she lets on. No, she has quite a bit, but she's earned it, married it or swindled it, and in any case has fought to keep it. Now, the biggest cash cow of them all, her old friend/relative/lover Mr. Body, who has promised a substantial part of his will to her, has become involved with a common tart, Miss Scarlet. Perhaps Mrs. Peacock sees a lot of herself in Scarlet, when she was young. Another vulture is trying to swoop in on the prize that Mrs. Peacock has waited so long to get. She could eliminate her, but there would be others...

No. She fought for that prize, long and hard. It would be hers. Nothing could take it away from her.

Don't try to deny it, Mrs. Peacock, as we only have to look at these bank records. The deposits from Mr. Body into your account have shrunk over the past year...in direct proportion to the amount by which Miss Scarlet's has grown. You were furious. You should have seen it coming though. Deep down you probably knew it was coming. You've been here before haven't you?

Not a different man, but a different time, only you were the young lady, and another woman was the older woman...specifically, Mr. Body's original wife. A man like Body is only single at this point in life (and I know he's single, otherwise his wife would be a suspect, even if she was far away) if he's a widower or if he's gay. The fact the lovely Miss Scarlet is here suggests the earlier rather than the latter. Yes, he's had many women on the side. His first wife either died or left him, and in either case I'm sure you're responsible...but despite all the flings you had together, he didn't remarry you.

Why? Who knows. Perhaps he became jaded to marriage, or he felt no one could replace his wife. Now it's your turn to leave, only when you go, you'll get nothing. After all those years of closeness and random flings, which despite your best effort didn't produce any illegitimate children to use against him, you're going to have nothing. After all, he gave you a fortune over the years. It's not his fault you spent it.

You didn't see it that way of course. You got mad, and with the same furious genius that allowed you to get rid of his first wife, you got rid of him too, with his will completely intact and unchanged.

You say I have no proof?

*Max picks up a small manilla envelope market 'CONFIDENTIAL' and then looks inside*

*Mitch holds his breath expectantly*

*Max looks at the cards and then smiles*

Officers...take her away.